What is being a good father?

In one word it is great to have my son with me here again at the moment. Quality time.

Perhaps it is strange to say, but because of our divorce which started in 1997, not only our children, but I too have become used to seeing each other not too often face-to-face. Although I have an aversion to social media, I embrace perhaps already old-fashioned, Skype. It gives me the opportunity to contact them almost every day. Son Rik in South Limburg, The Netherlands, and daughter Carlien in Perth, Australia. And when we meet in person we really have and take the time for each other. We share all our news, thoughts and feelings with each other and have a wonderful bond.

Children fly out. You raise them. During that process offering them and influence them in what you think in the right way as parents something for their future. You never studied for that. After all that you have to wait.

For me it is 100% certain that my/our children were born out of love and that we, my ex-wife and I, had and still have the best intentions for their future. And who does not have that as parents. I think far the majority of parents does have the same. And whether you are doing the right things as parents and set the good examples? What's right and what is good? Opinions on this may differ. Future will tell.

At the end of March I was reminded again on this being a parent topic. During a meeting the question occurred to me:

What is actually being a good father?

Years ago I read Henri Nouwen (an in 1996 passed away Dutch priest and writer) his book: "Eindelijk Thuis" (Finally home). A beautiful story, actually an explanation, of the painting "The Return of the Prodigal Son" by the Dutch famous painter Rembrandt van Rijn. And in that painting there are a lot of basic aspects that at least should be present for me in answering this question. I leave it to my kids if I meet that minimum profile. In any case, I know that I looked at it differently in the past and learned and changed my opinion during the years so far just by doing.

After all, how do you raise children? Often it consists of giving the new generation what you liked in your own upbringing and giving a different interpretation and approach to what you didn't like in it. Incidentally, in practice, it often turns out that what you wanted to protect them actually at some point is emerging in their behavior, but let’s keep that as food for educators.

For me the painting indicates approachability. Always keep the door open even if your children do things that you, out of your background, culture and / or character, do not stand for. And to maintain that open attitude, creating safety and being non-judgmental (and perhaps even forgiving) are necessary. Opinions may differ. Why not? They make the world more colorful and they definitely don't have to cause removal. And that requires an open mind and heart (true love?).

Do not allow yourself to be influenced by what others, even someone else of your family or your own children, think and say about it. I mentioned it before, it's all about the right intention.

What I learned within that right intention during the upbringing is that I had to be more open in my own idea, no had to make an adjustment, in what I thought was good for my children's future. I was pushing too hard in a direction that I thought was good for them. What is needed is an encouragement in what they want to go for in relation to their future (and happiness). And that not too late made adjustment makes both them and me happy now. It is not about position, status or money or what mom and dad like or want, but it is about happiness and the stimulation and release of their personal uniqueness, their talents.

Being available. Having and taking time to listen without immediately having your own vision ready. If they need your opinion, they can and will ask for it. The great thing about this is that you know what is going on with and in your children and that they are not afraid to share things with you. If that could not be with you (or with their mother) how poor is the bond that you have with your children? Here too safety is the key for me.

Freedom in connection and trusting each other. Perhaps this is the greatest good in relation to good paternity. And although forced by the access arrangements with my children by the court, now I can say it contributed to this. I learned how to deal with not meeting each other face-to-face on a daily basis. Actually I think maybe our bond is even better because of this.

And no, my children absolutely do not have to kneel before me. Rembrandt's painting shows me gratitude rather than humility and status difference.

Certainly here in Thailand I see how specifically that aspect contributes to the family bond.

Buddhist philosophy teaches that there are two basic factors to sustainable raise personal happiness. One is to stop judging. The other to keep the child in the soul alive. Encourage that puppy in your children and set a good example instead of condemning everything around you to adopt an attitude of curiosity. Something that does not mean that you have to accept everything.
It is worth considering to stop unlearning children too much in their upbringing to actually fit them into the system. It could be much more valuable to encourage them to live their authenticity, the fullness and richness of their uniqueness.

I have cited it several times in my blogs. Your children are not your children. They come true you but do not belong to you. They have their own lives and you can be happy that you can be the stimulus in that. How that works out ... you'll see it later.

In any case, I enjoy observing that process.

Gangey Gruma (Frans Captijn)

Captijn Insight. Catalyst in developing tranquility & in-sight to get in a sustainable way real connection, purpose, pleasure and flow in life, love, family, business, career and work again.

captijninsight@gmail.com