I live in
Thailand for more than eight years now and for several years have a Thai
partner. And that is indeed different from what I was used to. That has a lot
to do with our cultural differences. Someone recently asked me about it.
Of
course, in a relationship with someone from your own culture and environment
you also have to deal with differences. Not more than normal. Different
backgrounds in, for example, youth, living environment, family, education,
interests, religion, work, etcetera.
According
to many, age difference would also play a role. Eighteen and thirty eight?
There is something to be said as we are also said and thought with forty-three
and sixty-three, although it is slightly less than the earlier age. And at
ninety and a hundred and ten no one "falls" on that age difference
anymore.
There are
also the same differences with someone from a really different culture. And yet
there is quite a bit more to be aware of and to deal with.
To mention
a few.
Communication:
Communication
is about more than just language, of course. In addition to verbal and
non-verbal language use, there is also a language concept. And that language
understanding of expressions and beliefs is rooted in a culture.
A
difference in mother tongue and especially in understanding the language
regularly causes surprise, misunderstandings and certainly also a lot of fun.
You think you understand each other, but nothing is further from the truth, as
appears regularly after a shorter or longer period of time.
I have
now tried several times to master the Thai language. I just stopped and stick
to the small basic things in the language. I didn't have and don't have a
language talent and I actually find it pretty useless. Where we are currently
building, for example, a special dialect is spoken again. And even though I
could speak the language I never get that understanding.
We use
English as an intermediate language. Not that that solves all the differences,
but in our opinion, it is the best option.
Family:
In
Thailand, family is of the highest level. And I mean the nest in which you were
born. Your father, mother, brothers and sisters. Crazy to say but your own
family is lower ranking.
Certainly,
in the countryside, everyone lives next to or close to each other and everyone
takes care of everyone until the last breath. A support on all fronts. (Grand)
parents take care of (grand) children. And (grand) children for their parents.
You hardly see any elderly centers and nursing homes here. Children are often
your pension in a literal sense.
In
Western culture, this bond and that form of health care system are different.
Much more individuality plays a role at some point and we have bought
everything with all our regulations and insurances under the excuse of not wanting
or having to be "bothering" anyone getting older and to be able to deal
with yourself until the end.
“I” in
relation to “We”:
The world
revolves around "I". Something that is being spoon-fed in the west.
You propose something, the world revolves around you, go for your talents and
for what you are unique in. Be different and show yourself.
This is
really different in the culture in which I live. It's about "us".
That family again. And above all not to stand out too much or be an outsider.
The group counts.
Respect
and leadership:
Where in
the west we go for teams as much as possible for "everyone is the
same" and opt for leadership from the group and with voice, that is
different in Thailand.
The
easiest way to understand this is to imagine the Western form of leadership and
respect as horizontal. The Thai, on the other hand, is vertical.
Here in
Thailand there is a kind of ranking system. The worker / rice farmer is at the
bottom of the ladder. Buddha together with the king on the highest sport. Your
background and position in society literally determine your status and prestige
in that system. And anyone who is lower than you on the same ladder has respect
for everything above him or her. No contradiction but acceptance. Participation/voice
is often hard to find. The manager decides because he or she is the manager.
In our
western eyes that seems a bit strange. For example, staff that sometimes seems
almost slavish to follow with, in our view, many missed opportunities for
growth and development because they keep their mouth shut. Here it is a system
that is used to.
Age and
gender also determine respect. You undoubtedly respect someone older. After
all, he or she is above you in life years. And that applies across the board.
Children to parents but also random with everyone you meet. And yes, it is
still here, a man is ranked above a woman. The eldest son in a family almost
always deserves respect from the other brothers and sisters and often from the
mother if the father should have died. The eldest son is automatically the
advisor to the family at that time.
Incidentally,
it is nice to see that respect in the "Wai" (the Thai greeting). The
higher that Wai is made, the more the respect.
Organized
versus disorganized:
In the
Western world, almost everything is organized and planned. That is really
different in Asia. It comes as it comes and goes as it goes, it seems
sometimes.
I can
assure you that it took a lot of getting used to in the first few years. You
have to adapt to this system, especially waiting for your turn and waiting for
something to be or can be completed. In the beginning that is to drive you
crazy and you also get used to that in Western eyes disorganized way of
working.
It will
all work out in the end and the strange thing is that this disorganization
sometimes has quite something amazing in a positive way. The disorganization
ultimately resembles some sort of organization that you as a Westerner
ultimately cannot grasp.
Religion
versus way of life:
Buddhism
is not a religion. There is no God in it at all. Buddha was and is a teacher
who looks at life from surprising and often simplest angles. In his teaching
there are no miracles, but often philosophies based on experiences and
insights. Everyone can understand it and it is in many ways extremely detailed.
The basis
is that life is about doing good things.
Christianity,
for example, the group with which I feel at home, is based 543 years after
Buddhism on the same principle of doing good things. However, in Christianity
God plays the main role.
In my
eyes and from my personal experience, it is people who have often made a mess
with their interpretation. Maybe that's what people are for.
In my
opinion, the basis of both, and in fact of every belief, is good, provided you
realize that this belief is only part of the total truth.
In our
relationship, there is respect for both approaches because they are actually
about the same thing. We therefore visit the temples and also the churches many
times together.
The
official era:
It takes
some getting used to, but, as mentioned above, the official era in Thailand is
different from that in the west. Official documents and, for example, a road
tax form affixed to every car, motorcycle or scooter, indicate the Buddhist
year. And yes, that is the Western calendar plus that again 543 years. So, we
live here right now in the year 2563. And it feels great to be over five
hundred years older here. I still look vital for six hundred and six to put it
that way 😉.
Eating
habits and patterns:
Breakfast,
lunch and dinner, yes they come in both cultures. But still. In Thailand you
eat, if you want, just when you are hungry. Yes, day and night, and certainly
in the cities, on every street corner and even in between. And the basis of
that food is of course rice. Although bread is also reluctant to make its appearance
When I
say rice, I mean lots of different types. There are so many varieties and it is
a pleasure to try them out.
In
addition, vegetables and herbs. Too coast and to be found everywhere. In the
countryside you walk outside to pick it fresh. When we walk in the woods with
the dog, nothing ever passes or I am not told that you can eat the leaves,
roots or whatever of a plant, bush or tree, how it tastes and how you need to
prepare. Nature has also traditionally provided many "medicines"
(homeopathy) for free and ... they work.
And yet…
I regularly miss my potato.
Our rice
pan provides the solution, as you can see in the photo.
If you go to a restaurant, which we often do, you asked the left overs of your order to be packed up to take home. No more than usual here.
Bare feet and slipper culture:
Something that I really appreciate here is the fact that people here are used to leaving their shoes outside when entering someone. And because putting on and taking off shoes can be a chore, most people here wear slippers.
For me walking barefoot is a relief and also recommended for the west.
Intimacy:
Kissing
each other in public or walking hand in hand on the street is something you
don't see very often in Thailand. Although, fair is fair, things are about to
change. And luckily we walk hand in hand on the street or in a shopping center.
Stress
and excitement:
I wrote
it before. Everything will be fine and needs time. Take it easy. Getting
excited about whether, however well-intentioned, you want to change something
by Western standards is practically pointless.
Don't
worry and just wait (yes, it takes training to accept that more and more).
The
advantage is that I have been living an almost stress-free life here for more
than eight years now.
And there
is more to mention.
It
remains a constantly challenging quest with many beautiful discoveries.
Is it all
better or worse?
It is
different and I still like it so far because I can compare.
By
sometimes looking at these differences from a distance, I have made it clear
that the Western way of culture and life is certainly not always a saving
grace.
If you want to survive in a different culture, for me it is a matter of surrender and to stop comparing. Be sure you will stay alive.
To me it
is sad to see that here too the internet is destroying a lot. The differences
in culture are getting smaller and leaning towards the western form. Whether
that will make it happier in the end is the question for me.
Well, a
pretty long blog. Maybe too long, but if you are really interested in it,
perhaps valuable. It was nice for me to write this down.
Gangey Gruma (Frans Captijn)email: captijninsight@gmail.com
Foto blog:
Captijn Insight. Catalyst in developing tranquility & in-sight to get in a sustainable way real connection, purpose, pleasure and flow in life, love, family, business, career and work again.
