About work-life balance. Learn to manage (and balance) your own life first before you start managing.

Already over 10 years ago I got the opportunity to participate in the course: "Personally functional leadership". An experience that has made a significant contribution to the fact I now live and work in Thailand and totally changed my life and life style. It offered me lots of insights. One of them was that - despite all my degrees, my management experience, the great responsibility that I wore in managing our organization and in international crisis and disaster management and relief - I could hardly manage my own life properly. A lack of work-life balance and the discovery that private life is hardly to “manage” with the use of learned “work-management tools”. You need different ‘skills’. Actually (even more) authentic natural personal connection and the art of listening in family relationship.

Two weeks ago, after my first morning class, there was a young woman from the Czech Republic who joined me on my walk back to my house. She had a personal question. For a period of time already she had a relationship with her, now 38 years old, boyfriend. It worked out he used to work day and night for the company. On weekends, when the firm he worked for was closed, he did not feel really at ease ... and so… went to work. She called him a workaholic and felt that their relationship was at stake. Because in his opinion he did not have - or would not take - the time to go on vacation together, work after all called him as priority, she finally had decided to award herself with her personal gift to take “me-time” for a week and to stay at our ‘purifying body and mind resort’. But still, she did not really feel comfortable with her decision and the situation she was in, otherwise this theme was not bothering her during her holidays.

She asked me, because she knew a little bit of my background, if I had loved my previous work. Whether it gave me energy, and if I had fun in doing the things I did that time.

I wholeheartedly admitted. I added to this that I still feel passion, engagement and inspiration for that job and that there are things going on in my former organization now that still hurt me a lot.

She went on questioning why I resigned or quit with my job, still giving me a lot of satisfaction, and what this decision did to me. She invited me to give her some tips and/or tricks. Perhaps she could help her boyfriend with them. She wanted to get some tools to help her strengthen their relationship or at least give more work – life balance for him.

I explained to her that she actually, in my opinion, could hardly help her boyfriend with this issue. He had to find out himself. The age of 38 is a perfect age (mid-life crisis) to do. The natural moment in life you start dealing with the question: “What is my life all about?”

It is a natural process after studying people start their careers. In it, there are many who go for reaching “the top” (now I understand this cost you a lot of effort and energy and over and over again you will discover, being “on top”, a new “top” arises. There is no end. Reaching “the top” is an ego driven matter actually not satisfying at the long run. Often leaving a trail of destruction in your personal and family life behind.  
Be aware you are already at the top if you learn to LIVE life. There is nothing to attain. When you really live life every day you reach a destination. Hold there, turn around, be proud of yourself (reaching the top of today), breath in and breath out, what did you learn? Today is the day to make the next first step on the path called living. You do not encounter yourself on the way to the top, but - most of the time in a very hard and confronting way - on your way to the valley. 

Questions or comments like; "What are you living for?", "What is the purpose of your life?", "Do you live to work or do you work to live?", "Who are you?", "What inspires you in life?" "What would you do if you even have to live for three more months?" are questions that do not plop up in most people’s mind in this season of their lives and career.

And in this situation and period of career life, maybe it sounds crazy or sad, we mainly only stick on all kind of problems we think we need to solve, and that devour our energy. We barely have sight, no, we hardly award ourselves time, to enjoy all those freely available things (the many wonders of life) that give energy to us. And yes, in many cases, this causes suffering in our personal/family love and relationship. If children are born, so a family life really starts, positions in the pyramid of unconditional love change. Children immediately are on top. If responsibilities in work getting more, big chance this also takes its toll in the personal / family / love relationship.

I married my work and my already for many years ex-wife.
In my personal life, for example, the over-commitment and availability for my work, and a period in the nineties of insecurity - to attempted kidnapping and threats to our home address -, are certainly to blame for my marriage broke up.

Work – Life balance faded further and further away. And to be honest maybe work also increasingly offered the opportunity to escape myself. A kind of fear to come home to myself, to listen to my real inner voice, not the voices in my head (I thought they were mine) from parents, ancestors, relationships, masters in my life. Voices in relation to my programming.
I married the fire-brigade, my work, and showed it the day of our marriage. That time it looked fun but we married in an old and famous fire-truck. Thinking about this now it already showed the seed for a disturbed work - life balance was there. 

In other words, wake up, something goes wrong! But I, Frans Captijn as a member of the Captijn family, would just show the world that I had everything under control. So… no way. This thought and the related actions were a big mistake. Grateful and thankful I got a second chance getting my traffic accident in the Dutch Westerschelde tunnel (a friend reminded me 'the deepest spot in the Netherlands') to discover I had a huge burn-out. Why always waiting for this kind of experiences??? Do not take life (or second chances) for granted!

It's all happening in our minds.

Now I have been given the insight that I only thought I did a great merit by my commitment, and that I was actually indispensable. What I did not see was I excessively consumed my inner energy without sufficient recharging. My living and working habitat (missing grant factors and underwater profiles/different agendas) had great impact on this energy draining. And yes, my ego played tricks with me.

The words of my father: "If you are part of the Captijn family, remember this. When we start with something we finish it". Right! A great quote. I just did not realize that several times I was already finished. One of my strengths is I am good at executing change. After that change other type of people were needed. But I did not recognize this at that moment. I knew my passion but did not know enough my mission. I did not let go.

I was not essential or indispensable. Except for just my relationship, my family and a number of dear friends they were true. After all I nearly lost them all! Wake up!

Too many beautiful things slipped away. Just because my behavior of being too much connected with work. I did not take time for example to see the balance in nature.All this things always were there for me but I did not, no, did not take the time to see that what I was doing / ruining only was driven by my thoughts and ego. And exactly this makes me even more grateful for my life (style) change here in Thailand.

We are (make ourselves) so busy that we hardly take time for the people who love us, or even to think about ourselves. Our society is so organized that if we want to take that time, immediately we get an offer by i-phone helping us NOT to do it. To go on with the steady ‘feed’ of information of the outside world. There are many ways we can escape ourselves….

We cannot manage our own lives and starting to do that is the first step. Before any career or before any position we want to share what we have on the inside.

Participants in our programs are urged to give a rest to their mobile phone and other supporting media equipment and/or devices throughout our programs. In the majority of cases, first this is shown to be a huge task. What about mastering your own life sometimes I ask myself? So far in all cases it worked out to be a wonderful experience afterwards. It re-claims conversation and personally connection.

Our life is too much filled with suffering or worrying about all sorts of problems we (a lot of time only) think it is our task to solve. We lack the idea much amazing free miracles are available for us.

The choice to leave that matter or to give it attention is finding the balance. Balance is movement. This movement is consuming energy but also giving energy.

Your choice to stay in and constantly face the “workaholic mode”? No problem. At an unexpected moment your body takes over the ruling of your life. You “only’ create some new (mental and physical) problems to manage. Hospitals, doctors and psychologists enough who are willing to receive the money you “earned” for them…

You better hope, like me, you afterwards get a chance to find out that there is only one goal in life and that is LIVING. Do not wait too long…

And in relation to the young Czech woman? I praise her she had the guts to choose her own health and balance, and to manage her own life. What's it worth living? If you do not take care of yourself first, and that’s not an egoistic thought, you cannot be there for 100% for the world around you. For yourself, your relationships, your family, your environment, your career and your work.

Start managing your life first, find the right work – life balance. Stop your general excuses. They are only in your head. It’s just a matter of choice. 

(picture I took from a picture at the 6th floor corridor of the Fusionsuites hotel Saigon, Vietnam, September 10 2016)

Frans Captijn

Host / Catalyst / Talenteer at Captijn Insight

Captijn Insight: “Catalyst in your process to new sustainable flow in life and work. Whether you are an individual, couple, team or an organization.” 

www.captijninsight.com

captijninsight@gmail.com