Women have more guts to free themselves than men

Living and working here now for over five years and looking back I learned that actually much more women than men are open, willing and working on learning to know themselves better. Actually learning and discovering themselves the way they really - authentically - are.

It’s having guts to start to walk the way of self-discovery, to find out who you are, what the purpose of your life is and to follow that calling. Call it personal development. No tricks, no courses anymore, no theatre to show who you are not. Just to take steps in the process of ‘unlearning’. That’s learning to know yourself and to develop your way of being who you really are and to do what you really want. Undisturbed any longer by what the world thinks of you. And this all in physical health, mental health, emotion, spirituality (asking yourself for instance the question; what am I doing with my life, knowing I run out of time?), and causal (your environment. Energy givers and drainers).

This process a lot of times this has to do with freeing yourself from all kind of things from the past. From what you think your environment thinks of you (a lot of thinking isn’t it?). With not satisfying other people’s needs and expectations at the first place (forgetting yourself) any longer. With being open and willing to receive and grow the way it’s actually mend to be for you.

And also… to leave the world of ego, power, and only showing the world around (for instance on social media) you live such a wonderful rich (actually lot of times poor) ‘material’ lifestyle.

In my international ‘practice’ the ‘balance’ is about 75 % women and (only) about 25 % men. A Chinese colleague, over and over shows me her ‘rating’. About 95% women and not even only 5 % men. Cultural related to show the world around men are ‘strong’ and ‘hard’ and to keep ‘family traditions and pride’ alive (ruining many peoples personal live).

This week my German neighbor Josefine thought about me in relation to what I am doing here and she send me a for her (and also for me) inspiring youtube movie with the name “Slomo”.

Again an inspirational story of a very well educated and ‘rich’ man who discovered he ‘lived’ an absurd life and lifestyle like many of us do.

When he met a man of 93 years old in the canteen of the hospital he worked he got his wake-up call.

Seeing this old man taking lots of food on his tray and as a joke he asked: “How does a strapping (well build) young man like me, get to be an old codger (wise fox) like you?”. The old man answered him in return: “Do what you want to!”.

This wake-up call and the relation with starting to suffer with his heath gave him the guts to choose for himself and to listen to his inner child to start to live a life. Much more basic, more connected, roller-skating as a boy of 11½ years old. Building up happiness, joy, and… a much better health LIVING his life.

And yes, immediately you can bring up General Excuses why this is not possible for you. Money, responsibilities, and… here we go again. So go on making yourself unhappy staying in your prison. Be strong and never ever ask yourself, running out of time, if you really lived your purpose…

Wake up men (and still also women)! Don't be shy. Be stronger to face and free yourself and start (more) living life…

Frans Captijn

Host / Catalyst / Talenteer at Captijn Insight

Captijn Insight: “Catalyst in your process to new sustainable flow in life, love, family, business, career and work. Whether you are an individual, couple, team or organization.” 

www.captijninsight.com

captijninsight@gmail.com

We do not know what true love is. A mindfulness training to make progress.

We always keep talking of and about love. It’s hard to give a definition of love especially if you live it. For all other purposes it’s much easier.

Wikipedia describes love as "a variety of different emotional and mental states, typically strongly and positively experienced, that ranges from deepest interpersonal affection to simple pleasure.". And with this explanation actually you still do not know at all what love is. 

Studying more about love in Buddhism and working with more and more guests in programs and sessions, I discovered many people (maybe even an increasing percentage in this and next generations) do not even understand what true love in live is and/or know how to live it. I want to be open and honest. I gave it several times a try myself and think I am still one of them who is on search for it as well. A one-night stand can be ‘simple pleasure’ as Wikipedia calls it, but is this (true) love…?

I really think there are people who know and live true love. People who reach very long and real ‘true love’ companionships or marriages being (even more) happy together. Their gold, diamond or even platinum wedding anniversaries (celebrations) sometimes even show up in local newspapers.

I am sure I will never show up with this anymore in my/this lifetime although it was my intention. 

Many people actually only think they know what true love it is and start to live their interpretation of it and after a longer or shorter period do not succeed in their relationship(s), like me so far.

Where do we learn love? Nature shows us and we learn by example. We see and feel (or do not see and feel) the love between our parents and in our family. Sometimes experiencing the differences of what we saw and learned of love when we get a relationship and learn more about her or his family life (and background of love within) a bit.

So we copy what we saw and think what is love in the for us right way. Much of the way we live our love life, our love behavior, however has to do with the negative experiences we got, saw and felt and do not want to bring in our lives any longer. And many times just the opposite thing happens…

Our parents learned from their parents and so on. Every person just gives love a try to make the best of it. Like rising children. Where did you learn? Living love has a lot to do with trying not to make the same ‘mistakes’ you already ever experienced and to reach a state of love satisfaction we see in the world around us and offered by marketing. And if we are honest to ourselves we discover and know many things in our behavior and interpretation of our love life are deeply rooted and connected with our personal desires. Not wanting to be lonely, need for attention, satisfy ourselves and in several cultures even to satisfy parents. So a ‘desire driven’ love. And with this approach actually a kind of love already prepared to fail.

Don’t get me wrong. I do not blame my parents at all. I got and felt more than enough love as well as their right intentions in my life of them.

And what about loving yourself? I learned this is the first and basic step in true love. Where do we learn? Lots of time only by ourselves. Trial & error and ‘The Street University’ learning by doing or sharing stories with our friends we trust and sometimes following their ‘advises’.

If you love yourself you take care of yourself in the first place. Loving yourself is the fundamental of your loving relationships with your life, with others and the World. Not an egoistic thing. Don’t be hard on yourself, give up negative self-talk. Know just how unique, talented, fabulous and powerful you are.

How to practice? Maybe the first step is to free yourself of anything that is not good for your health (in relation to food, addictions, negative people, things, situations, and everything that drew you down and away from yourself).

True love…? True love? What’s true love?

Buddhism offers us the five mindfulness trainings. The five mindfulness trainings represent the Buddhist vision for a global spirituality and ethic. The third training of them is called true love. A concrete expression of the Buddha’s teachings on the path of right understanding and love. Leading to healing, transformation, and happiness for ourselves and for the world.

It explains sexual desire is not love and sexual activity motivated by desire always at a certain moment harms ourselves as well as others. True love is much more than being only in love with your own and somebody else his or her body.

It motivates to durable learn appropriate ways to take care of personal sexual energy and cultivating loving kindness, compassion, joy and inclusiveness – which are the four basic elements of true love – for personal greater happiness and the greater happiness of others. True love is something that help you to suffer less. And help the other person to suffer less. True love is something that you make you happy and the other person happy. True love can help you have more freedom.

Practicing true love, it says, we know that we will continue beautiful into the future.

So the four basic elements of true love as mentioned in Buddhist teachings are:

1. Cultivating loving kindness (Maitri). Maitri has the power to offer happiness. When you are able to generate a feeling of joy and happiness to you that’s true love. Offer to yourself. And if you can generate a feeling of joy and happiness in helping the other person generate a feeling of joy and happiness, that is loving kindness. So if you are a true lover, you create happiness for you, for him, for her.
2. Compassion (Karuna). That is the capacity to make yourself suffer less, and the other person suffer less. It is the ability to understand the emotional states of another person or yourself not putting yourself in the other person’s place (in that case it’s called empathy).
3. Joy (Mudita). If love does not generate joy every day it’s not love. If love make the other person cry every day it’s not love. If love make you suffer every day, that’s not true love. So true love is capable of generating joy for yourself and for the other person.
4. Inclusiveness (Upeksha). Not excluding anyone is the fourth element of true love. And you begin with yourself and the other person. But if you continue with this practice of true love, your heart will open, grow, and very soon you will include all of us in your love. You do not exclude anyone, anything from your love. Including any living beings. No discrimination about race, citizenship, religion, or anything. And that is that element of non-discrimination, of inclusiveness, that make you feel very free, very happy. Make your love unlimited. And in true love you continue to grow. Your love continues to grow. Until it embraces everyone in the cosmos (connect. be inspired. be nourished.).

Studying more about this made me aware I am on my way, made steps forward, but I am still not yet there. I will continue my path of cultivating loving kindness, compassion and joy. Improvements need to be made in freeing myself even more of things that are not good for my health, loosen personal desires, and work on inclusiveness.

About true love there is still a lot to learn, to discover and to bring into practice. To make progress. And… I know for sure I am not the only one.

Frans Captijn

Host / Catalyst / Talenteer at Captijn Insight

Captijn Insight: “Catalyst in your process to new sustainable flow in life, love, family, business, career and work. Whether you are an individual, couple, team or organization.” 

www.captijninsight.com

captijninsight@gmail.com

The dark and light sides of the life most people live in.

A young lady from Denmark for a couple of weeks was my neighbor. She did a yoga-teacher-training at our resort. At a Sunday she joined me on my scooter to the city. I had to go there because I had to serve in the cathedral. She wanted to do some shopping in Chiang Mai and because she did not have transportation she asked me if she could be my passenger that Sunday.

She already traveled a lot and in my opinion she has a lot of insight, wisdom as well as understanding for her age about different cultures and living live. 

On our way back we talked about the two different personal worlds most people live in. About one personal world part people are most of the time ‘open’. This part has to do with work, education, position, place where you come from and place where you live, etc..

About the other personal part people are ‘closed’. This has to do with harm, feeling, sensuality and sexuality.

Both parts have to do with the interaction with yourself and the interaction with the outside world. For most themes is easier and more safe, to talk about the relationship with your outside world. So to bring it in the light.  What’s going on in the inside world we keep in the dark. A dark secret, sometimes sacred world.

People feel ashamed to talk about this part of their personal world and most of the time do not even want to discuss this part in silence with themselves. That’s why they do not know themselves, they do not feel home with themselves, not comfortable at all to face the inner war so they run away for themselves. There are many, many ways to do this. 

During Tantra work (basically a spiritual Tibetan Buddhism practice) you start to discover being your free self in your own natural environment. To free inner energy, sensitivity and bliss. Related to Ethology (the study of human behavior under natural conditions from a biological perspective). A journey to discover yourself in the first place. To touch yourself, to explore your feeling without shame. To start to love and honor yourself as a free human being without any judging. Opening up to yourself. Starting to make your personal dark side visible to yourself.

Working, in a safe comfort zone, with yourself and also with others you learn to give and to receive. To open up.

Having a dialogue with my neighbor on back of my scooter on the way back to the residences we live, we talked about so many sad experiences, brought by raising of children, culture, religion, environment, sexual abuse, etc., that helps to keep the personal dark worlds dark.

Our (programmed) brain a lot of times is a very disturbing thing. Creating the 'voices' in our head (not our own voice but out of the best intentions from our parents, ancestors, culture, relationship(s), religion and so on). Open up, free your mind. Not opening up, not being able to expire what really feels good for you (so gives energy) in the way you for instance touch yourself or want to be touched by other people or your relationship, keeps you away of living your life the fullest. You are always in the mood to hide, not to show up, not to open up.

How wonderful I meet more and more people who are already open or have the intention to open up. The present they discover is what this personal dark side has to offer. A lot of energy, a lot of pleasure and bliss and last but not least a so much better health.

Bring light and love to your hidden (sacred) world.

Frans Captijn

Host / Catalyst / Talenteer at Captijn Insight

Captijn Insight: “Catalyst in your process to new sustainable flow in life, love, family, business, career and work. Whether you are an individual, couple, team or organization.” 

www.captijninsight.com

captijninsight@gmail.com

You cannot always be happy. Without Mud (suffering) no Lotus (flourishing).

We must always be happy. And apparently we are not because the world around us keeps on telling us we must always go on buying the newest of the newest things to be happier. Even for instance the Dutch magazine “Happinez” for over 50% is full of advertisements of things you need to have to get happier. Our lives are focused on happiness and when we are happy, life around us is not happy with that. Last April 28^th I already wrote a blog about it. Happiness is not very goodfor the economy. We need to go ‘mountain up’ and even to stand still on a top of a hill for a while to enjoy or celebrate our success does not seem to be good.

Isn’t it more than normal that we leave the valley when we walk up to a top of the hill and need a to go back or further to reach a valley again as a start for the next, maybe even higher mountain peak?

Nature helps us to understand this. Out of the four seasons there is a lot to learn about how to accept life and today I want to explore the example of a lotus flower a bit deeper.

Without mud there is no, or cannot be a, beautiful lotus to flourish.

Mud in Buddhism is connected with our world of worrying and suffering. That mud is essential to germinate the lotus seed. The roots go deep into the mud. From that mud, all the experiences in your life, the young plant grows. If the lotus but reaches the water surface, the small but - still closed -  fantastic flower grows higher on a thin and super strong stem to get a kind of ‘helicopter view position’ above the water surface.

The water surface teaches us that emotions need their own time to calm down. A process you cannot force. If there is a storm, the water surface starts moving and the water becomes muddy. The lotus stays strong and present and only moves with the wind around it’s balance point (the roots in the mud). And after the storm it takes a while until the water is smooth as a mirror again. However ... not yet crystal clear. The mud and dust in the water caused by the wind stirring the shallow spots at the banks of the water, is still not clear and you cannot force this process either. Only by giving the process its own time the water will not only become smooth as a mirror but also crystal clear.

And only then can you see everything in relation to what caused that emotion clearly and without judgment. Giving you the possibility to learn about it.

High above the water opens at its own right natural time, and also you cannot force that time, the lotus to show itself in majesty. No effort. Just the way he or she is. Showing his or her self, no matter what the world thinks about it. Just being available. And after a day or two, that beauty becomes less. The petals fall into the water to serve as fertilizer for the mud for the new generations to come. Giving back. And after a while the new seeds, produced in the flower, drop into the mud again and the process begins from the beginning. The life cycle, (Cycle of Samsara).

Another possible discovery is that water does not adhere to the leaves of a lotus plant. Water forms pearls and by wind or gravity, again no effort, it rolls off the leaf. And therefore, the leaf is not disturbed by anything that happens around him or her.

Mud is needed to share 'only' your uniqueness, that, what and who you are. Learning from the past, being present in the now, and taking steps into the future. And that process, that cycle, involves various steps like change / transformation, taking, growing, flourishing, giving, growth.

Be aware of this ongoing learning process in which you cannot always shine and be happy.

Do not force yourself. Just be aware of going up and down as the natural movement called living. And do not forget... happiness depends on our mental attitude and not on external conditions.

Without mud no lotus.

Frans Captijn

Host / Catalyst / Talenteer at Captijn Insight

Captijn Insight: “Catalyst in your process to new sustainable flow in life, love, family, business, career and work. Whether you are an individual, couple, team or organization.” 

www.captijninsight.com

captijninsight@gmail.com

Don't pray for peace! He made and still makes life more beautiful. Tribute to my oldest brother Fons Captijn

Picture: 'Car' blessing by Fons in Santpoort - NL
Thanks to Ron Pichell / RTV Seaport for the picture.

I just got a message my oldest brother passed away.

This is not an “In Memoriam” as a form of remembrance of somebody that left this world and who occasionally can or may be back in our mind. It's a tribute. An ode and an active call. An encouragement to continue. Only a remembrance is not at all enough for covering the value of his (ongoing) life.

My eldest brother Fons is the first born of our family of father, mother and five children, and I am the last. Between him and me is a thirteen year time difference. At least one generation maybe even two.  For my parents it was an honor, out of their and our Catholic background, that Fons was going to study to become a priest at the monastery of the "Missionaries of the Sacred Heart" (MSC) in Driehuis, The Netherlands. Eventually he decided not to become a priest and after a few short wanderings, he actually became a kind of priest. He married, became father of a family with two children and worked in various parishes in the north-west part of The Netherlands as an inspirational deacon. For people who do not know this word/profession, you can translate it the simplest way in my eyes as ‘layman priest'. A person blessed/dedicated by a bishop to serve as a helper in and for the church community.

To me, it is the experience that a so-called ‘clerical collar’ is not always necessary to bring in depth, experience, hope and flow. Fons did this on his own creative, humorous (see picture) and sometimes a bit progressive way. Standing, rooted and with lots of experience, as a shepherd in the middle of his flock, the community. The present Pope Francis, I think, would be proud and inspired by his way of serving and sharing. He brought motion in and to people. He inspired people.

Do not pray for peace! Only one out of many of his phrases and speeches during a preaching with Christmas, from a whole lot, that woke up people  Shaking them awake with the intention of bringing them into balance again).

And if you only think about that sentence, that statement, isn’t that a kind of inner wake-up call?

What a waste of time and effort to pray for peace. Even at the time Christ was born there was no peace in the world. Has there ever been peace in the world? And is that because of the world? And do you think there will ever be peace? No peace is lasting. There is a tendency to pray for peace so you can push peace a bit away because yes it’s a good thing but you might think you are not able to help make it happen. You do not see any solution anymore. It is out of your hands… So by praying you pass your wish, your efforts, onto somebody else. Somebody that is bigger, some power that is much stronger, in the hope it might be possible for him/her. That ‘God’. Aren’t you fooling yourself in a gigantic way? Isn’t this an easy way. To give peace away? Pray for peace? Stop it! Fiddle sticks.

People, mere human beings, make a mess of it. And praying to no longer have those ruins no longer will not help. People are different, cultures are different, religions are different (even though they actually are basically all the same), and because things do not fit in our thinking, our behavior, our ‘own street’, there is no peace. It’s not even possible. Praying for it or not.

Stop with the energy and time to pray for it. Just start yourself. The first thing to understand is that you are "only" human. And human beings make mistakes. Nothing wrong with it. You probably learn from it and that process we call living. One of the things in life that is certain is that you do not live alone. There are men and women around you. And those are all human beings so they also can make mistakes. And if the things they do are really wrong or not ... that has everything to do with your opinion and your perception. With your judging. Things make you upset? You only can make yourself upset. No, no other people. It's all about your programming from the past that causes your personal reflections. and thus personal disturbances, anger, greed, hate, jealousy, anxiety. Do you intend to make mistakes? Do others have the intention to make mistakes to bring you into trouble?

It’s all up to you. You are in charge. Just go ahead. First, live that peace yourself. Show. Share. Be real. Don’t go for praying, just focus on doing. First, face and tackle that war within  yourself instead of seeking solutions in the outside world and blaming others. And yes, that can be challenging or maybe even more confrontational and yet you are doing a good job. Much better than praying.

And besides, out of my more than five years' stay in Thailand, this is a very valuable Buddhist approach as well.

Fons is different, Fons goes on. So much he planted and did sow. He brought too many people in motion and nobody will ever be able to stop that ongoing process. And with that he made and, beware, he still makes LIFE become a bit more beautiful. Because others will go on with that as part of their lives. With those insights and with that inspiration. And they bring it into the world at their own way.

He once studied at the monastery and gymnasium of the Missionaries of the Sacred Heart. He did not have to learn to become a missionary. He already was. That mission, that passion, being there for others with a message, is his life and although there is no movement any longer in that physical cover only showing my brother on the outside, HE does not say goodbye.

In fact, it's just a start. An invitation. A beginning to hear that call; "Do not pray! Get started! Put into practice! " And yes, these are my own words.

An active call an encouragement. No need for any reminder, remembrance or “In Memoriam”. The seed that is sown or plant that is planted just need some water, temperature and air (action) and occasionally some sun. Do not wait. You always can create the right season…

And so he goes on with that. In Memoriam? No, not at all for my brother. His life was too valuable for that. People who know him and had to deal with him do not know what I mean. They just feel it and continue with him, just like me!

And that's why I do not feel his death as a farewell or goodbye. Much more, it is a feeling of getting the opportunity to let go in full trust that he is deeply rooted in me and I will easily continue my life with him always beside me and partly in me. 

Frans Captijn

Host / Catalyst / Talenteer at Captijn Insight

Captijn Insight: “Catalyst in your process to new sustainable flow in life, love, family, business, career and work. Whether you are an individual, couple, team or organization.” 

www.captijninsight.com

captijninsight@gmail.com

Autonomy: Withdraw peoples autonomy and they become depressed. A survey of my life living over five years abroad now.

I help a friend in the Netherlands with developing a course "Sleep better within five weeks". It’s a great experience and opportunity to share things with each other and to go deeper, to discover more, about and into yourself.

In response to a dialogue about the meaning of life he noted:

"Another completion to life purpose is that human beings have two basic needs:

1. Being part of a group

2. Prestige within this group.

Autonomy: withdraws peoples autonomy and they become depressed."

And looking back on living and working here in Thailand for over five years now, I feel connected with and recognize more and more that last sentence. My autonomy…

I am in a process of embracing that autonomy more and more. Doing that I take more and more distance and say goodbye to all kind of “groups”. And it is visible I am doing this. Except LinkedIn no social media ‘friends-connections’ anymore. The uniform I've ever worn has changed a lot, and also if you see what I still keep (need) in my house or what belongs to me (all temporarily too). No more car, no personal driver, no luxury (although maybe in a different way I still have), no closets full of suits, shirts and ties or all kind of different pairs of leather Floris van Bommel (brand) shoes ...

Shorts. Some of them even with holes in it. Slippers. Shirts that I would never really wear in the Netherlands because of my job and because they are sometimes even broken. My thought changed in "It’s still possible to wear". Not to save money but because it not necessary to throw them away yet.

I can and may be myself without any outside show or expectations (to be honest I created in my own mind).

What I like more and more in my life, I yesterday spoke about it with my German neighbor, are the wonderful guests walking in and out of my life. I am open and willing to connect intensively and deeply for the period they stay with us here. To listen to their life story’s, and after their visit to let go. In full inner belief that we did not mixed up ‘for nothing’ but it brought something for all of us including me. Insight, flow and growth. I call it 'Street University of Life'. And yes many new ‘friendships’ and long lasting connections show up. All without any ‘clinging’. I've lost the "clinging". Everybody is responsible for his or her own life. And the first thing to do is to keep peace of mind (happiness) myself so I can be available in the best possible way to fulfill my mission (to others).  

If possible no routine any longer or at least as less as possible. To open up for what’s waiting to show up during a day and what people (connections) bring. And maybe that can be seen as a new routine. However ... unpredictable and free. Intense, innovative, creative, challenging, enough time, rest, growth, respect, deeper holistic connection, playfulness, authenticity, nature and even affection.

More and more freedom from all mind constructs, from all mind games; freedom from all structures, freedom from the other / freedom in connection. No discipline. When there is no discipline, when there is no enforced order, a totally different kind of order arises in you. For me it is an experience of arising of more and more access to insight. It just happens. It is simply creating space for new things to come and fall and flow into place. 

And if I look deeper into this, I do not think it's even possible for me to walk this life-path in good health without that ongoing changing diet for growth etc. Life feels wonderful and more meaningful to me because of short intense contacts and, above all, that autonomy.

That autonomy for me is so powerful that I do not really feel the two mentioned ‘basic needs’ anymore. Or at least do not feel that needs as I experienced before in my life.

I feel less and less the need of any emotional connection in any group. Maybe because it can be an attack on my autonomy I am just discovering more and more. Actually what a strange new experience ...

And of course I know that I still belong to many groups. As still being Dutch, belong to the 'group' Dutch people in Thailand, to the 'group' people who live in Mae Rim, etc .. But to express I feel a real good group member? I don’t think so.

It even plays a role for me in personal relationships and in my family life. It first encloses working on being and staying 'All - one'. And for me, again, that’s not selfish. In a holistic way (body, mind, emotions, spirituality, and energy balance in relation to your environment) in good health and balance to be there for others in the best suitable way. Freedom in connection or freedom in bond, I call it regularly. And it's more than amazing to actually get that back as a mirror from my two children. Freedom in union initiated by a basic respect and trust towards each other. I wrote about it a little while ago in relation to my daughter (http://captijninsightthailand.blogspot.com/2017/08/live-without-aim-accept-your-life-as.html).

That five years so far, this first lustrum, is an experience and invitation to go on living this way and explore even more about Living life. An invitation not to go back to my country of birth.

And when I sent this message to my friend, his send me this response again in return:

Frans, you make me something clear I can understand completely. How important autonomy is to you.

In your description of your personal vision on autonomy and membership to a group, this came up in me. It's not the connection with the group, but the judgmental character and the commitments to the group you made yourself free from. Living your autonomy learned you to connect and let go. The way you describe this, it seems like balance between day and night and the changing of seasons. Living your autonomy more and more this way you experience the rhythm of pure life, in which you are completely who you really are and what was not accepted or appreciated several times by others, the group. The regular judgmental character and the commitments to the group raises resistance in you.

The distance, now, has become so far both figurative and literal, that it seems unbridgeable..

Don’t forget and keep in mind that some people here seek that connection with you without obligations and judgments. Out of pure love to you as the man you are. A personality, authentic Frans, who they have made part in their hearts. Perhaps they form a small group you are part of. A group without a judgmental character and obligations.

And this answer touched me deeply. And this reaction touched me. The nail right on the head. Freedom in connection. Thankful and grateful for the life that I may and can live.

Frans Captijn

Host / Catalyst / Talenteer at Captijn Insight

Captijn Insight: “Catalyst in your process to new sustainable flow in life, love, family, business, career and work. Whether you are an individual, couple, team or organization.” 

www.captijninsight.com

captijninsight@gmail.com

Missing you makes me happy and connect me even more with the here and now.

Yesterday I wrote to a good friend of mine in an e-mail: “Missing you makes me happy and connects me even more with here and now”

After a short while I got a response from her and she asked me two questions;

# Let me know "missing me so much" can make you happy?

# Let me know "missing me so much" can make you live more in the "here and now"?

Sure I can understand at first sight what I wrote down can feel and look a bit strange. And thinking deeper about those two questions gave me and her a deeper understanding of the underlying meaning. And I really want to share that insights because most of the time we connect missing someone with a kind of sad feelings and/or unwholesome thoughts.

After my mom passed a way, to honor her, I started to do courses in the evening hours to become an actor. My mom was an actress and I just I wanted to discover if she shared that gems with me as well. People who know me will get a smile on their face because they will immediately tell me I do not have to discover that because they met my inner Jester already many times before that courses.

One of the things I learned is that there are several ways to deal with feelings and so also to act and express. My courses made me clear that we behave, act, respond out of basic elements. Earth, Water, Fire, and Ether. You can see them as underlying energies.

Out of for example the element Fire, you can use the same energy to create a happy feeling (you spread your energy for instance by laughing, bright shining eyes, openness for connection) but also to get a sad feeling (you keep the energy inside yourself, feel down, do not want to connect, maybe even tears in your eyes).

A warm, kind, friendship and for sure a relationship has to do with connection in many ways. A kind of holistic connection. Emotional, mental, spiritual, environmental (energy giving) and also physical. Interaction of senses with yourself and in relation to other persons as we learn in tantric work. In the present time I think there is a huge lack of this intense connections some people are even afraid. But…that’s beside this story.

“Missing you makes me happy” ? Because the connection experience and energy that once appeared in a natural way, even not being physically close together now, gives me the energy to be even more sparkling, attentive, open to give and to receive. The sad sides (the other energy use of the elements) so far did not show up. So do not affect me because it does not appear (yet).

Let me explain why. For me it is essential to know and to feel there still is a connection. Sending and receiving short messages to each other on a regular base for instance helps me to understand ‘the energy, the connection wire, is still there’. For me that’s different than to get a message once in a while. For me it works as watering the roots of a plant and sometimes to offer the plant some sunshine or even rain for a shower. Call it attention (every person needs in my opinion). Not that I am clinging on attention but if in a natural way things work out this way this feels OK. Being free and feeling a deeper connection.

The second thing is I know and feel there will be a time, I do not know when, we will be close together for a short while again. Looking forward to that moment gives me a kind feeling of longing. And that feeling again is a wonderful energy.

In relation to the second question I already gave the answer in between the lines.

This positive energy of “missing you” does not make me sad so far but on the contrary gives me positive energy. Energy to be more open, more alert, more connected. It’s a kind of feeling of excitement. And believe it or not… this connect me even more with the here and now.

How wonderful to understand even more to use the energy of the elements in a stimulating way. Free available energy to create an even higher level of peace of mind (happiness).

Frans Captijn

Host / Catalyst / Talenteer at Captijn Insight

Captijn Insight: “Catalyst in your process to new sustainable flow in life, love, family, business, career and work. Whether you are an individual, couple, team or organization.” 

www.captijninsight.com

captijninsight@gmail.com

The self-satisfaction of: "There is always better and you MUST go for it!" ? Do not destroy your life.

A short while ago I worked with a Shanghai guest. In full pride he told me about all the trophy’s he already got and what he already had achieved in life. He was honest, he also had to face a few huge disappointments in his life so far. A few times, he did not win the first prize in relation to his work. Actually, that was very unfair and possibly the jury was influenced. His friends made him believe out of their knowledge and connection his work was much better than the winner...

Success stories, accomplished goals, drive to more and better. He was well-known and on his way to become famous. Something in which I also once believed. To say it right, not so much on my way to become famous but still... many people knew me and were my "friend" on the social media. My name was in the (Dutch) newspapers and sometimes even on television.

It’s so nice to discover many of our guests do not even know where to find The Netherlands on the world map. They had never heard of me before. And I still know and meet even more people who (only think) they are famous, sometimes even a celebrity. And I never heard about them before. This all made me clear that it is all and only satisfying the image you only create in your mind. Nothing 'VIPs'. Wake up, go to the toilet, take a shower and discover you are not so ‘important’ at all. You play a game with yourself. Consuming lots of energy and being more and more in the role of actor in your life.

What triggered me in my guest's story was that he did not even literally hold the next trophy or he was already trying to get the next one, showing he reached the next higher level.

He literally lived the Chinese quote: "There's always more to achieve, there's always better to get." Or he actually understood the two sides of the same medal…? This was an insight he got when he started to work on himself here.

The saying gives you for example the understanding; There is always a more beautiful and/or more loving and caring woman, and always a more beautiful and/or more loving and caring man. " There is always a higher place to reach in society, a higher position, a higher status, just always more to reach. And even if you reach the highest place ... it's all only temporary. The Olympic Games for example shows it. Every other four years human beings ‘beat’ the ‘old’ speed, height, winner(s). We stress ourselves up, make ourselves sometimes even ill, trying to reach more. It’s never enough. And our society, our culture, etc., supports this process.

Our hang to fame, for the outside world visible more and more ongoing success, show, has a lot to do with the self-satisfaction of our Ego. There is no end to it.

Is it wrong to chase goals? Not at all. It has to do with our clinging on reaching goals. And because of that clinging we are so focused that we do not enjoy available life the fullest. Know that you can live without 'goals'. In many cases you live life much more connected and intense.

Wanting to reach a goal you can see as a driving force, a motivation. First of all a drive to satisfy your basic needs, then to satisfy your ego, after that to work on your personal development and growth and last but not least (and usually when you grow older) in relation to what your life really is about, your purpose (we also call it spiritual).

And although self-satisfaction of the Ego is also a very natural process, a driving force, you can get out of balance. It can make you sick. Exhaustion, burn-out.

There is always more to reach, there is always better, there is always more beautiful, there is always a higher level of ‘loveable’.  

And do you also enjoy living life, enjoy being with yourself? Being thankful and grateful of the (most of the time more than enough) ‘things’ you have in life? Do you celebrate life? Do you really live life or changing endlessly the finish line of goals to reach further away? You will never come ‘home’.

Nothing is exhausting more in sports than to put the finish line (your goal to reach) further away during for instance your running. It’s like changing the rules during the game. And this is what you do to yourself. If you keep on focussing, keep on moving, from goal to goal, you miss the experience of all the impressions everything that is waiting for you during your trip. Your focus is on the goal and all the free available values of life, nature, blue sky, air to breath, a playing child in a small stream, the smile on the face of your love, his or her twinkling eyes (mirrors of the soul), you do not even notice.

Ego satisfaction? Keep in mind that it's an endless deep well in which your energy flows away. An energy drainer. And after a short while, with all your trophies, who do still remember you, ‘honor’ you? Is still thankful for having you around(I speak a little bit out of my own experience)?

Perhaps it's not even a crazy idea to start to live life and give attention for yourself, to stay in (right) balance, find and live the right lifestyle as well to keep a sustainable better health. Good for you, good for the world around you.

There is always better, there is always more, there is always more beautiful. Enjoy more the journey of living instead of striving for more and more success (which you usually forget to celebrate).

Frans Captijn

Host / Catalyst / Talenteer at Captijn Insight

Captijn Insight: “Catalyst in your process to new sustainable flow in life, love, family, business, career and work. Whether you are an individual, couple, team or organization.” 

www.captijninsight.com

captijninsight@gmail.com