Last week it was 31 years ago that I got married. What a fantastic moment and what a huge beautiful wedding. For a couple of years we got a good time together. Unfortunately, that changed. Despite all kind of guidance and coaching we decided to quit and divorce about nine years later. No, not because there were others involved. The time that we made each other happier or could make each other happier simply was over.
That process went, in spite of the emotions it all caused and certainly also because we were taking care of two at that moment still young children, really quick. Within a week or six, with the help of a joint-friend lawyer, we were about to finish the marriage. Unfortunately, that seemed like that.
On the advice of a good friend of my ex-wife, a second lawyer was called in. Her good right to choose that of course and still… Several lawyers followed and all kind of legal procedures, investigations, calculations and meetings at the court started which took a total of around fourteen and a half years. My experience now is that lawyers can keep each other very busy and there is always something new to come up with.
In addition to a huge amount of unnecessary waste of money this also for years caused enormous frustrations for my ex-wife and me. Not even talking about the negative energy to the children. Frustrations, it’s just my idea, that ultimately degenerates into a feeling of hate. No more communication.
The good news ... two world citizens of children with whom I have a very open contact almost daily, regularly stay with me here in Thailand, and who are doing well.
Please note. Of course, you will not marry with the intention of getting divorced again. I thought it was really a personal downfall, a shame, that this happened to me. Until that moment I had a good example towards my brothers and sisters of how a good marriage is possible for the long-term.
Still, when you look back, we were not actually meant for each other. Two individually good people who are so different from each other that they definitely don't fit. It is great when I hear these kinds of statements from the mouths of our kids who saw, feel and discovered this completely. Not having any intention to harm both their mother or me. Now I think why we actually did not see and feel this together during our time of courtship. Maybe the pink glasses? An idea of a brighter future together?
In my eyes you divorce after you have tried everything to both make a success of your marriage. To make, with the wisdom and experience of that moment, each other happier together. Despite that good intention, it appears that it is no longer possible to go for that higher level of happiness. And yes, if children are involved then the threshold of such a decision to separate may be even higher. After all you still both keep the responsibility to arrange a different but still good and neat way of your child(ren). A way in which the father can fulfill his father's role (not being a kind of Santa Claus) and, conversely, the mother still can fulfill the role of mother. Communication between both ex-partners about raising the children and their education would also be more than welcome in that situation. I know several ex couples who succeed in this in a wonderful way. A big compliment for them for the sake of their children. My ex-wife and I unfortunately did not succeed after all things that happened between us during the process to divorce.
By getting married, you want to go for being happier together than alone. And if that is ultimately no longer the case, then you have to stop. You are not married just to make each other ‘sustainable’ more unhappy for the rest of your life isn’t it?
I don’t think it is strange that on every "birthday" of our wedding day all sorts of things and thoughts come up in my mind. Not a surprise to put it this time on paper. Ultimately ... you learn by doing. And why not share in openness. After all, it is not at all the intention to harm anybody with my story. Maybe it can help other people to think before and only change a little bit in order to go on growing in happiness whatever circumstances appear.
If the intention of your marriage is to be happier with each other more than staying single, then why all that struggle afterwards? A fight that never, really never, has a winner. Only losers. After all, is that money your victory or is it the freedom that you give each other back again and grant your joint victory? Why must that what once was called love so often degenerate into the opposite pole hate?
Going on with transferring lots of money to lawyers is that what you really want? Better make use of it yourself. Consciously or not extending the process. Not willing to let go and or even working on breaking each other down, is that going for continuation of growth in personal happiness? Misusing the children in the process who nevertheless came out of mutual love for the rest of their lives, for 50% from their mother and 50% from their father? Unfortunately, this are the daily ‘games’ happening in many places in the world. For the sake of happiness?
I have often quoted in my blogs texts from OSHO. In one of his stories he tells that when it comes to love everything has a beginning and an end and there is no wound in between. If something is over, think about thanking each other for the time you have had together. Even in a lost relationship, in the period it lasted, often there were much more good and beautiful moments than those that went wrong. Without each other, you would never have had the (life) experiences of today and you ultimately both grew no matter how you look at it.
Although it may sound silly before you get married, also arrange in advance how you would like to see things arranged together if it does not ultimately become what you expect together. Always based on the idea that you can be grateful that you are both willing to succeed in the relationship. And, out of love for each other at that moment, are willing to arrange that so that both of you, if necessary, offer each other freedom again to both become happier single again. It really saves a lot of trouble and it is a great test of both your love to discuss this in advance. If you are afraid to talk about this with your lover think about how your love really is. Of course, your intention is to make your marriage last forever. Freedom in bond and growth in mutual happiness have to be and stay main items. Nothing selfish about it.
Something in which in my experience, also in the undesirable situation that things would turn out wrong, keeping each other long-term hostages in proceedings to divorce does not fit.
And if you may be free again, then head for that happiness. Don't get stuck in all kinds of false speech, hatred and self-pity. Take steps forward and stop toxifying your past situations, your ex-partner, your children and your environment. After all, that is ultimately a poisoning of yourself.
Gangey Gruma (Frans Captijn)
Captijn Insight. Catalyst in developing tranquility & in-sight to get in a sustainable way real connection, purpose, pleasure and flow in life, love, family, business, career and work again.