Friday, July 19, 2019

Show your difference by being your true Self.

Every person in the world is unique. Many times already I wrote about this phenomena. Every person has been born with a unique set of talents and gifts that makes him or her different. The meaning of truly living life is to share this uniqueness. You came to this world for a reason. Sharing your uniqueness is something else than what we call working. It is going with your flow. Something that makes the world and yourself finally the happiest.

For many of us it is hard to show their difference. All the systems we live in do not encourage us to show our difference. In society it looks to be better to be ‘invisible’ organized in booths, cupboards and drawers. Culture, religion, family expectations, education and so on, are some examples of how ‘locked up’ you can feel in making your own choices. They can be restrictive in sharing your true self.  
It is appreciated being part of a group. Following the, sometimes unwritten, rules. Not bothering around too much because that can be disturbing.

Being aware of being unique is an invitation to show and share that uniqueness. To show your difference. The only thing to do is feeling free to be your true Self. Isn’t that in fact your calling since birth?

Growing up every person has to deal with the adolescence period. Being a bit rebellious to find your personal way. Sometimes it is hard to go your own way and follow that calling if it is even possible in the circumstances you were born in.
Still, being an adult, it is a matter of listening to that inner child always available in yourself. Giving response to that inner call and, yes, maybe to be a rebellion again. Not following the patterns made for you to behave. This can be hard, maybe not even a struggle but sometimes a fight.

If you think of it, isn’t it worth to fight for your own identity?

Free yourself, trust yourself. Show your difference by being your true Self.
It makes the world, who is waiting for it, more colorful.

And if people around you start thinking, or even better start telling you, you act a bit differently or even strange... please think you are on the right path. 

Gangey Gruma (Frans Captijn)

Captijn InsightCatalyst in developing tranquility & in-sight to get in a sustainable way real connection, purpose, pleasure and flow in life, love, family, business, career and work again.

Friday, July 12, 2019

Employers should be less concerned about diplomas and certificates

Recently, a couple of times, I have been in contact with people who wanted to make a career move. A combination of contributing to an organization in their change, growth and or development, and at the same time an impulse for their own personal growth and development. A process, or rather a project, that in my opinion should always go hand in hand for the best results.

Why I call it a project is because it is good for people and organizations to say goodbye to each other after a while. That keeps both fresh.
Now that I write this, I remember a conversation with a trainee in communication sciences who once wanted to work for our organization. As a boss I told her at her introduction just before she got her job, that I hoped that she would work somewhere else within five years as a business card for our organization. At first sight she turned to be a bit surprised to hear that from me, and… she followed it. Now I dare to say that both she and the organization had positive effects of it.

Many people fall into the routine of continuing to do things they once liked doing (and not really like anymore because the impulse for wanted growth is over already for a long time). They earn their money with it as an encouragement to continue the work they are doing. No longer getting any satisfaction and challenge out of it any more. That’s unfortunate for two sides. Have the guts to change. Understand that change is growth.

Back to my topic for this week. The people I talked about in the beginning saw it as a problem to serve an organization (and themselves) because they did not have all the required papers and diplomas mentioned in the job description. And that experience this week was the trigger for my blog. The frustration of bureaucracy.

What about required certificates and diplomas? Employers, in many situations, should have the guts and courage to deal with that a little more lightly. Guts? Yes. As a boss you may have to explain something to your Works Council and / or Labor Union. And still ... can’t you do that if you believe in the quality of people, their passion and mission?

Many organizations feel so bound to all kinds of rules (or find it easy that there are) that the flexibility to attract outstanding people without all the required papers and diplomas has gone. Afraid to be addressed or, for good reason, to deviate from the fixed pattern.

In various organizations in which I worked as an end responsible manager I took all those set diploma and certificate requirements sometimes not too literally.

The Polish poet and noble prize winner Wislawa Szymborska (1923-2012) once wrote a surprising poem about writing apparently in bureaucracy in relation to applying for a job: “Writing a Curriculum Vita”.

Be honest. In a new job, isn't it much and much more about the match between the deeper mission of the company and the personal mission of a candidate? About inspiration, talents, connection, affection, personal background, enthusiasm, resilience, life experiences and thus already acquired life wisdom and genuinely desired growth?

Indeed, as Szymborska says so nicely, CVs are requested that are written as if the applicant has never talked to him- or herself and has always looked and stayed far away from him- or herself. Are this the kind of persons you are really looking for?

A good diploma does not say anything about how valuable a (new) employee really is or can be for your organization. You can often get so much more for the same money (or even at the start a little less). And, because of the inner motivation of this type of candidate’s management is less needed. This people are of the type learning by doing and are in the mood of exploring on their own.

As a company or organization, don’t you get much more sustainability and motivation if your diploma requirements were not taken too literally? I have great experiences with it.
After all, as a manager aren’t you responsible for the quality of your staff? If you have the courage and especially feeling and engagement with your business, you dare to deviate. In addition, if you believe in your own qualities, it is also easy to explain your different choice to the outside world.

Gangey Gruma (Frans Captijn)

Captijn InsightCatalyst in developing tranquility & in-sight to get in a sustainable way real connection, purpose, pleasure and flow in life, love, family, business, career and work again.

Friday, July 5, 2019

It is not even possible to unfriend somebody. Ever thought about this?

A few weeks ago, my daughter told me that she just discovered a Dutch lady who is living in my neighborhood here in Thailand "unfriend" her. What even a crazy word if you think about it.

Because I had a small collision with that woman’s female partner, now she has broken the "friendship" with my daughter. How social, "social" media can be that you can do this invisibly.

My daughter was a bit surprised about it. I do not know the phenomenon "unfriend" because I have said goodbye to all those "social" media for years already. So whatever happens there does not bother me anymore. It supports me in keeping peace of mind.

The question occurred to me if it is really possible to unfriend someone. Of course, I know that that is just a matter of easy and without even notifying the other person pushing a button. And yet ... do you really say “Goodbye, you are not my friend anymore” to someone?

I have had more than a thousand "friends" on every individual social media that I was once connected to. A few weeks before I said goodbye to all this social media like Facebook, Twitter and LinkedIn, I posted a few times that I was going to stop with them. Actually, that decision was not easy to fulfill. It seems to me that all this social media likes to see you coming, but I don't like you to go at all.

I didn't get many responses from all my "friends". Indeed, a number but not of the whole large group of so-called friends. Incidentally, that also applies to all kinds of groups and clubs of which I was a part of during my business- and private life. A handful, and I literally mean that, real friends are still left. "Out of sight, out of the heart," my mother sometimes said. And I discovered it is really true. Mind you, this of course has also to do with me.

And from that experience back to that to “unfriend” again in this blog. Were or are those people who "unfriend" you really your friend? What is actually a friend? What is friendship? 

Wikipedia states:
Friendship is a relationship of mutual (generally non-sexual) affection between people. Friendship is a stronger form of interpersonal bond than association.
Although there are many forms of friendship, some of which may vary from place to place, certain characteristics are present in many types of such bonds. Such characteristics include affection; kindness, (love), virtue, sympathy, empathy, honesty, altruism, loyalty, generosity, forgiveness, mutual understanding and compassion, enjoyment of each other’s company, trust and the ability to be oneself, express one's feelings to others, and make mistakes without fear of judgment from the friend. Friendship is an essential aspect of relationship building skills.”

And if you take a moment to look at these beautiful sentences, you can conclude that unfriending is not possible at all. A person who “Unfriend” you after all never had a real friendship with you. It was often only about ‘what can or will be in it for me?’ and/or wanting to belong to something or a group that no longer fits. Unconditional? All these wonderful words mentioned under the meaning of friendship by Wikipedia? Not true! This ‘friendship’ was just a sham, fake. Be happy the person who unfriend you secretly let you know now because he or she looked in his or her mirror. The friendship is not over. There never was any friendship at all.

And if someone’s opinion or attitude to life does not appeal any longer to you, or the other person lives too far away from you… by unfriending you show the other person this friendship from the start actually always had nil value for you.

Suffering about this or this kind of thoughts that will keep you from sleeping? Don’t be stupid. Let it go. And ... well as the passed away French-Dutch singer and actorRamses Shaffy sang so beautifully ... Let me! Let me go my own way. 
Note: Interested to listen to this song? The link to You Tube offers you the song with English subtitles.

I am going my own way for years now. And if "friends" no longer appreciate this om me…? Take the chance to unfriend a friendship to show this friendship for you actually never was really there. It doesn't even have to be in a sneaky way.

My neighbor often talks about her Facebook 'friends'. I sometimes have to laugh a bit about this. In practice it worked out at the time she really needed them, they were not available for her to help...

Be proud and happy with that handful of people that you can really regard as friends.

Gangey Gruma (Frans Captijn)

Captijn InsightCatalyst in developing tranquility & in-sight to get in a sustainable way real connection, purpose, pleasure and flow in life, love, family, business, career and work again.

Friday, June 28, 2019

Take a vacation when you go on a holiday!

In many countries it is holiday time again. Long awaited and often a lot of time spent on finding the place where you want to go and stay this year. Maybe you stay at home because you do not even know that place well enough or you made the choice to just only get away from the routine of everyday life and work stress.

What about the maybe strange title of this week's blog? After all, when you go on a holiday, don't you take vacation? Well ... for me that is becoming less and less certain. The reason to choose that title.

I still remember the often hard discussions with the unions about the fees that, apart from special duty services, had to be paid not only for availability but also for the accessibility of staff members. It was still the time of alarm receivers, walky-talkies and pagers. After all, it wasn't all a totally voluntary choice just to be there for your employer. Not even if, for example, you worked at the fire department or ambulance service.

Whether or not they are still being paid for, it looks like nowadays everyone voluntarily has chosen to be accessible at all times. People can't live without this phenomenon anymore. Last week I even heard of neck complaints that people need to be treated for. Yes, your head still weighs around six kilograms (over thirteen pounds) and having that weight hanging down, pulling the strings, for an average of 16 hours a day is of course quite a challenge for those neck muscles.

And the strange thing is that when people go on vacation, they are no longer even aware of that continuous accessibility. In many cases, work therefore continues as normal (nevertheless check that e-mail every morning). Continue to follow social media, etc ..

Holiday time is there to come home with yourself and to relax. To empty your mind. To switch off from daily energy consuming activities. Getting to know new people and often also exploring the (or a new) environment. Spend time with your partner and/or family and friends. To marvel once again at the world around you that you have actually put on a not or less important place in your live for a long time. Tighten up ties with the people in your life that really matter. To experience what you came for and expected to see and feel.

As strange as it may sound, I think that more than 70% of the tourists I meet here in Chiang Mai and Northern Thailand could have stayed better at home. They do not enjoy all that beauty and beautiful nature surrounding us at all. They are constantly hanging around only on their cell phones and when I come across them on the road in minibuses or so-called Songthaews they are usually sleeping against each other. The beauty and energy of nature, the friendliness of the Thai people and the coziness of the city are hardly experienced.

I sometimes think they could have saved the time and money of their trip if they had really taken the time at home to delve into this environment. Enough YouTube videos that give you even a better feeling and sight than being here in a not connected and aware state.

How to ruin your holidays
Just ask yourself; How long could you live without your smartphone? What is an alcoholic? What? An alcoholic is someone addicted to alcohol. Yeah. Why is he/she addicted to alcohol? Because he cannot stop drinking it. But you can’t put your phone down. And if you do, within a few minutes you pick it up again. Because you are addicted to it. So, are you controlling that bit of technology in your hand? Or is that controlling you? That is controlling you!  Do you want your life controlled by a bit of technology? Do you want the rest of your life, even your holidays now, controlled by it? Or are you now going to: ‘I am putting this down!’. If technology is going to be the servant rather than the governor it has to serve the interest of humanity and humanity does not have to serve it. We are in a situation now where humanity is serving technology. And increasingly it is serving others to bring us into a different (by them) managed world. Step by step prepared by them so you are not even aware you are less and less in charge of your own life (so also holidays).

Time for vacation? That is emptying and recharging. Enjoy each other’s company again. Invest in your relationship (if you have one). Give yourself the gift to once again connect with, if you are honest with yourself, what you have neglected in the past few months. Give your mobile a holiday too (who knows, you might dare to take the challenge to leave it at home) and count on the respect of your friends, colleagues and work, that you now use your time private, for you. Hoping they have the understanding you will be there for them again in a fresh and even better way when you are back. Actually, the reason why you took that holiday isn’t it?

Don’t think the world (and your work) cannot miss you. Unfortunately, you are never and nowhere indispensable. Not even for your work. Yes, once I thought in a different way but I changed that after having this experience.  
And if, being a manager, you think that you should always and everywhere be accessible, because you are responsible aren’t you, then ask yourself what kind of manager you really are that you cannot even manage your own private life.

And back to that head again.
If you, instead of letting it drop to stay connected with your mobile, try to put it in the right position. Ever thought when your head is in balance (nearly looking straight forward) the muscles do not tense up (extension, out of tension) so this not cost you energy (I learned from yoga)?  It is a relaxation of the muscles although for a short while, because you are not used to it anymore it does not feel this way.
The great thing of bringing your head in balance again is that immediately a completely ‘different’ world in which you live will reveal itself to you. Look around, be aware again. This was where you paid for and what you wanted to see and feel.

Now time for yourself and time for each other. Respect to yourself and your love ones.
Time to enjoy the expedition that is called holidays you have been looking forward to.

Enjoy so much more!

Happy Holidays.

Gangey Gruma (Frans Captijn)

Captijn InsightCatalyst in developing tranquility & in-sight to get in a sustainable way real connection, purpose, pleasure and flow in life, love, family, business, career and work again.

Friday, June 21, 2019

Don't worry about your study choice. It does not limit your (uncertain) future.

One evening, a few weeks ago, I had a conversation with a young Chinese woman. She was in tears. She told me she didn't know which study to choose and missed a goal in her life. What about that? All her friends already had and she still did not find answers. Her parents were very concerned about that. They had a study direction for her future (and expectations) in mind that also fit into their family tradition, but she didn't like that at all. Only thinking about that made her feel very unhappy, emotional and even sick.

When I look back at my experiences with many staff members with whom I was allowed to work with in various places, and also at the many people I have met here in Thailand so far, I am always amazed by all those personal stories and wanderings people have made in their life. With regard to their work and occupation, they have in most cases ended up very differently from what they had previously studied and intended to do in the future. Do you call that a study choice mistake? In my eyes this type of mistakes do not exist at all. Don’t worry there are ‘wrong’ choices in this.

I still remember my own school and student time, as well as my children's time in this. It was sometimes pretended by others, even my parents, that your life and future depended on what study you would choose.
In fact at the end of primary school, it starts with maddening parents, and also children, in relation to the results of the testing and the associated school advice for your next steps to make.

Looking back at it, you were taught a kind of stress. Crazy thoughts as if your choice would be ‘wrong’ and if you were to achieve a too low level, well then you were completely doomed to bring it far up the social ladder in your life. Practice shows that this is all nonsense. My personal experience is different and also that of the many people I was allowed to work with and that I received here during life & talent coaching. So many examples of people who found their ultimate (work) happiness totally different from what they studied or were trained for.

After my primary school I received a high middle/high school advice. After a year I was thrown out of that school and I went to low middle school. A shame?  Looking back, it was a fantastic experience, it was the right step to learn how to learn and… it was great fun. Then back to high level college again. After all, 3 years wasted? No, of course not. Yes, in the eyes of those people who want to get straight to their goal. In my eyes now, six years of experience richer. So much, lessons and life experiences learned, fun and the experience of learning with pleasure in connection. This time was the birthplace, or initiator, of my creativity.
I myself once started in the hospitality branch and got my degrees to run a hotel, cafe, restaurant. I worked in it for 4.5 years. I did a training to become a truck and coach driver. Worked only briefly in it and yet again an experience in my backpack. Ski instructor, what fun and bliss. Contractional engineer and architecture. Worked in that profession for a while in Saudi Arabia. Then the academy of fire & rescue service up to and including Master of Crisis and Disaster Management. After that Buddhist philosophy, theatre school, and life & talent coaching and two years ago I finished to call myself Kundalini yoga teacher. And I think there will probably be something more to come on my path.

People sometimes think strangely about my daughter’s study and future. She has such a nice degree from her study Oriental languages ​​(Chinese business and communication) in her pocket. After she got it, she went to Australia. She started with farm work, taking care of horses and cows (for her Visa) and had and has a great experience. Especially with her boss who acks as a kind of second father and appreciates the way she supports in the job. And for a year and a half now she is doing a study in engineering for special vehicles for the mining industry in Australia. A kind of combined car, hydraulic and air conditioning technician. A matter of just doing and following your feeling. Really something else than Chinese. So far she shines.

My son is still faithful to his basic profession as an animal caretaker. He has had some intermediate steps in technology and as a professional soldier. Just tasting to see (because he knows) there is more for him. And he also feels free to make totally different choices when he thinks it will make him happier. He is a different type and takes the time to make steps instead of to just jump.

My girlfriend went to university here in Thailand and got her university degree in food sciences with a specialization in poultry farming industry. She worked fairly briefly in it and found out that the financial world (the banking system and market) so far was more reserved for her. And who knows she is also changing direction. She is open to it.

The nice thing about all four of us is that if you look at our trees of like (personal trees of talents), the things that have come our way fit exactly. It seems like a sort of surrender to what nature had in store for you. And that does not only apply to the four of us, but to everyone with whom I have been able to work with so far.

Last Wednesday evening we welcomed a new member to our photo club. A nice story of how it works in practice. Until he was 21, he absolutely did not know what he wanted to do, he said. At that moment, just for fun, he got a camera in his hand and started working with it. Learning by doing. Someone noticed that he was taking beautiful pictures. He went on and made progress. Also started with making movies what turned out to be an international film director now. He met his wife who is also a photographer and filmmaker. They travel all over the world and make documentaries, photo reports and give courses worldwide, earning lots of money earning a wonderful living with their activities. Reason enough to take a break now and then in Chiang Mai.

My advice is not to worry so much about whether or not you make "the right" study choices, but especially to choose what you think you can enjoy most in your personal development at that moment. Something that stimulates you to develop in a playful way. What does not say (only) go for partying because at the long term this will not offer you the development of all the talents you have in the best possible way. Even skip the earning money issue. It will come. 

Do you really think that your "right" choice offers you security and certainty for your future? One thing is certain about that future, that it is enormously uncertain for you. Then why should you go for a goal? Actually it will give you winkers. Too much focus without even recognizing there is so much more to discover (to learn) in life. Yes, indeed, maybe only that one goal ... to LIVE life.

Wrong study choice? Does that exist? Take a nice walk on the path that is (already) created and waiting for you. Provides you less stress, more fun and gigantic beautiful experiences exploring your life while walking it. And at the end of every day be proud of yourself. Turn around, see what you have learned and know that you have already reached again a destination. There are no errors in it. They are only development moments.

Not only does it make your life much more colorful, it makes you a more colorful and broader-oriented person.

And, knowing your parents really want you to have a good future, don’t you think seeing a sustainable happy son or daughter makes them happy and thankful? And yes, maybe this needs some time.

Good trip insured (not even insurance required). You'll get there! True? Yes, that is why you can regard this form of life as an expedition. Something that most people only temporarily dare to do during their holidays to ... relax, gain experiences, make new contacts, embark on an adventure. Isn't that a bit strange?

Turn your entire life (and study) into an expedition. Worrying about the right study choice or the right entry level isn't worth to be part of it for you. It's all about your happiness.

Gangey Gruma (Frans Captijn)

Captijn InsightCatalyst in developing tranquility & in-sight to get in a sustainable way real connection, purpose, pleasure and flow in life, love, family, business, career and work again.

Friday, June 14, 2019

Disturbed relationships between parents and children. How full can you (still) enjoy your life?

It will be a coincidence again, but in less than a week's time, three different people (couples) told me harrowing stories about the disturbed relationships they got with their children. People from America, Germany and Belgium. So, from the western world. Bitterness had arisen and contact between children and parents was almost gone. In one situation contact was totally lost.

Unfortunately, these experiences are not new. In recent years I have heard stories like this much more often. Both from "the children" side as from "the parents" to name the two groups. And mind you, in some situations such as the sexual abuse of children, I can well understand that hatred has grown to the full and that it is no longer or very difficult to turn to something better.
In most situations, however, if you go into the situations and actually the sources of the present situation a little deeper, it is about almost nothing at all. And yes, it is true, everything you give attention grows. It makes you blind to all the good things there once were and you ruin not only your own life but also (consciously?) the life of the other. It is brilliant to just wave it 'easy' away, but that is just a clean (or rather dirty) appearance.

It is fairly easy to jump into anger and bitterness. Certainly in Western cultures. In most cases, family ties represent less and less because of individualization. Totally different if you compare that with the culture of Thailand, for example, where family value, above everything else, still takes the highest place. By the way, not something that always has to be decisive for me, but indeed a very large and valuable good.

Why it so often happens that a relationship between parents and children is disturbed at some point has in my experience everything to do with generation differences, different thinking, different norms and values, wishes and desires, expectations (expressed afterwards) about upbringing, communication possibilities (and difference in education about this between children and parents), the enormous influence of a partner with whom the children come home, disagreement on something with the other, and certainly also respect.

In all three stories I heard last week, "loosing face" plays a huge role. The parents keep on telling nice stories to the outside world how fantastic things are with them and sometimes even how proud they are of their children. "Nothing wrong”.
What they actually do with this behavior is to continuously poison themselves and make themselves sick. A kind of not true Facebook “happy family” showing selfie while everyone around them knows and feels that it is rattling on all sides and is just "fake."

Just those "small" harassment's as expressions of anger and bitterness. Not giving attention. Trying to avoid seeing and meeting each other. Not responding to emails. No message to your parents on Father's or Mother’s Day. No more visits to birthdays, let alone congratulations. Keeping grandchildren away. Focusing on and enlarging disagreements instead of respecting differences. Introducing very strict black-and-white rules and conditions for when there might be another meeting. Etc., etc .. Entering all kinds of unnatural behavior and puppet show.

Parents often see their children totally changed after their marriage and see sides of their daughter or son they hadn't thought possible. Bitterness ... and for what? What does it serve and solve?

There is a saying: “Bitterness is a poison that YOU drink, hoping to kill the other.” That we cling to anger and resentfulness of how someone has wronged us, how someone has hurt us, or those we love. So we hold on to the bitterness towards the other not realizing the cause and harm it does to us. Failing to see the odorless, colorless, venom we guzzle down. Robing us of fullness of life.

Anger is a natural part of being human. Anger is part of our humanity. The matter of concern is what we do with this anger. It is the anger that becomes a kind of spreading cancer. It is an anger like a fire that a person constantly feeds. Refusing to let die. Even when it is only embers, they stoke it desiring it never to be extinguished. That is not fullness of life.
It is so easy to slip into such a toxic one-sided relationship with those who have hurt us. 

The first step to abundance of life is to let it go. See it as a personal invitation. That’s forgiveness and the meaning of forgiveness is ‘give a new chance’. Something different than give a second chance only under your own conditions. It is changing your heart to draw the poisons of bitterness and anger from your wounds and protects you from regret afterwards.

And this does not mean that you, as a son or daughter, have to accept any kind of submission to your parents. Far from it. After all, it's all about mutual respect. Parents can often be and remain rather stubborn. It is an opening up to each other and sometimes even listening to each other without judging.

When I spoke to my Thai girlfriend about it, it made her sad. It is hard to understand all this from the Eastern culture she lives. A matter of respect. Your parents offered you your life.  You can almost always assume that they have done your upbringing with the best of intentions. Based on their own norms, values, background, possibilities, education and situation they were in at that time. The deeper underlying intention was not based on not giving you any opportunities or destroying you. It was to try the best. And yes, afterwards you can look at it differently with the insights of today.

Even in the so-called Wai, the Thai greeting with hands in the form of a lotus flower bud, the Thai raise their hands in front of them when they greet their parents. The thumbs under the nostrils. Your parents gave you the opportunity to breathe and thus enjoy this life. A form of respect.

I have often heard the story that people on the deathbed of their father or mother still just got that insight to accept differences in opinion. You don't have to hate each other because you disagree. On the other hand you may respect other choices because you have only held up your own mirror and have often been guided by influences of others. Differences in opinion make the world more colorful. After all, your side is only one. True for you but not the whole truths.

Don't be stupid, stop disturbing living the fullness of your life (and that of others). Do not wait any longer. Give up your stubbornness and bitterness. Never regret it.

We are all running out of time…

Gangey Gruma (Frans Captijn)

Captijn InsightCatalyst in developing tranquility & in-sight to get in a sustainable way real connection, purpose, pleasure and flow in life, love, family, business, career and work again.

Friday, June 7, 2019

Your body is 'worthless'. It is all about the soul.

So far, I have seen many lifeless bodies in my life. That certainly has to do with my former career in international aid and disaster management.

You actually see it right away and you feel it immediately. I think a lot of people know this experience. Something has gone from one moment to the next, something has left. I see this something like the spark, the energy supplier, the passion, the drive. I call it, no it is, the soul.

You can see a body. We often do everything we can to continue to be seen or to stay part of the flock, and yet ... without that soul it will become nothing. You can use makeup what you want or get whatever plastic and/or cosmetic surgery, but without a soul it is nothing and it remains nothing. A beautiful, meaningless, dead image that remains.
On the other hand, you can feel the soul.

I have often experienced that when someone enters a room, for example on a birthday or in a meeting, the space is suddenly filled. Attention is attracted to him or her and yes, a beautiful woman can be attractive, yet there is more. It is energy. Rest, calmness or, on the contrary, enthusiasm and / or passion. It is energy that comes from the soul.

Without a soul your body is worthless. Although all or at least most of us pay utmost attention to our body, that outside, that inside is therefore much and much more important. After all, the real energy of attractiveness and beauty comes from within, from the soul and not from makeup.

A few weeks ago on a morning, I visited the funeral of a good friend of mine. I got a nice experience. That coffin with that lifeless body actually didn't tell me anything, no connection anymore, and that wasn't necessary either. I felt the presence of his energy, of his soul. He was still the "host" at his own farewell reception of his body. The temporary passed away temple of his soul was there without any energy, but you could feel him, his soul energy, all around still very much alive.

When I felt that way, I thought it was strange that almost all of us were dressed in black. Why that color associated with sadness and mourning? Because the body could no longer support the growth of his soul? If my time is there to get rid of my temporary temple, I hope that people who come to my ‘reception’ to only say goodbye to my dead body will come in color. Joy because I am free again and can and will continue.

In general, for me it is also strange that people at cremations or funerals often talk to a coffin with a dead body in it. That soul-spirit is just not there in that coffin anymore. My feeling at least that morning. Actually my trust.

My experience with several very dear ones whose temporary temples (bodies) already passed away, is that you can always start a conversation with them. Even ask them for advise. They live around you and in you. And that only temporary body that you once saw, yes you do no longer see. 
You do not have to lose the feeling of the soul connection if you maintain the link. That is a kind of letting go without losing anything of real value.

Gangey Gruma (Frans Captijn)

Captijn InsightCatalyst in developing tranquility & in-sight to get in a sustainable way real connection, purpose, pleasure and flow in life, love, family, business, career and work again.

Friday, May 31, 2019

Marry? Divorce? Do it a little bit differently in order to continue to grow in happiness

Marry? Divorce? Do it differently. Or rather, do it differently than we did.
Last week it was 31 years ago that I got married. What a fantastic moment and what a huge beautiful wedding. For a couple of years we got a good time together. Unfortunately, that changed. Despite all kind of guidance and coaching we decided to quit and divorce about nine years later. No, not because there were others involved. The time that we made each other happier or could make each other happier simply was over.

That process went, in spite of the emotions it all caused and certainly also because we were taking care of two at that moment still young children, really quick. Within a week or six, with the help of a joint-friend lawyer, we were about to finish the marriage. Unfortunately, that seemed like that.
On the advice of a good friend of my ex-wife, a second lawyer was called in. Her good right to choose that of course and still… Several lawyers followed and all kind of legal procedures, investigations, calculations and meetings at the court started which took a total of around fourteen and a half years. My experience now is that lawyers can keep each other very busy and there is always something new to come up with.

In addition to a huge amount of unnecessary waste of money this also for years caused enormous frustrations for my ex-wife and me. Not even talking about the negative energy to the children. Frustrations, it’s just my idea, that ultimately degenerates into a feeling of hate. No more communication.
The good news ... two world citizens of children with whom I have a very open contact almost daily, regularly stay with me here in Thailand, and who are doing well.

Please note. Of course, you will not marry with the intention of getting divorced again. I thought it was really a personal downfall, a shame, that this happened to me. Until that moment I had a good example towards my brothers and sisters of how a good marriage is possible for the long-term.
Still, when you look back, we were not actually meant for each other. Two individually good people who are so different from each other that they definitely don't fit. It is great when I hear these kinds of statements from the mouths of our kids who saw, feel and discovered this completely. Not having any intention to harm both their mother or me. Now I think why we actually did not see and feel this together during our time of courtship. Maybe the pink glasses? An idea of ​​a brighter future together?

In my eyes you divorce after you have tried everything to both make a success of your marriage. To make, with the wisdom and experience of that moment, each other happier together. Despite that good intention, it appears that it is no longer possible to go for that higher level of happiness. And yes, if children are involved then the threshold of such a decision to separate may be even higher. After all you still both keep the responsibility to arrange a different but still good and neat way of your child(ren). A way in which the father can fulfill his father's role (not being a kind of Santa Claus) and, conversely, the mother still can fulfill the role of mother. Communication between both ex-partners about raising the children and their education would also be more than welcome in that situation. I know several ex couples who succeed in this in a wonderful way. A big compliment for them for the sake of their children. My ex-wife and I unfortunately did not succeed after all things that happened between us during the process to divorce.

By getting married, you want to go for being happier together than alone. And if that is ultimately no longer the case, then you have to stop. You are not married just to make each other ‘sustainable’ more unhappy for the rest of your life isn’t it?

I don’t think it is strange that on every "birthday" of our wedding day all sorts of things and thoughts come up in my mind. Not a surprise to put it this time on paper. Ultimately ... you learn by doing. And why not share in openness. After all, it is not at all the intention to harm anybody with my story. Maybe it can help other people to think before and only change a little bit in order to go on growing in happiness whatever circumstances appear.  

If the intention of your marriage is to be happier with each other more than staying single, then why all that struggle afterwards? A fight that never, really never, has a winner. Only losers. After all, is that money your victory or is it the freedom that you give each other back again and grant your joint victory? Why must that what once was called love so often degenerate into the opposite pole hate?

Going on with transferring lots of money to lawyers is that what you really want? Better make use of it yourself. Consciously or not extending the process. Not willing to let go and or even working on breaking each other down, is that going for continuation of growth in personal happiness? Misusing the children in the process who nevertheless came out of mutual love for the rest of their lives, for 50% from their mother and 50% from their father? Unfortunately, this are the daily ‘games’ happening in many places in the world. For the sake of happiness?

I have often quoted in my blogs texts from OSHO. In one of his stories he tells that when it comes to love everything has a beginning and an end and there is no wound in between. If something is over, think about thanking each other for the time you have had together. Even in a lost relationship, in the period it lasted, often there were much more good and beautiful moments than those that went wrong. Without each other, you would never have had the (life) experiences of today and you ultimately both grew no matter how you look at it.

Although it may sound silly before you get married, also arrange in advance how you would like to see things arranged together if it does not ultimately become what you expect together. Always based on the idea that you can be grateful that you are both willing to succeed in the relationship. And, out of love for each other at that moment, are willing to arrange that so that both of you, if necessary, offer each other freedom again to both become happier single again. It really saves a lot of trouble and it is a great test of both your love to discuss this in advance. If you are afraid to talk about this with your lover think about how your love really is. Of course, your intention is to make your marriage last forever. Freedom in bond and growth in mutual happiness have to be and stay main items. Nothing selfish about it.
Something in which in my experience, also in the undesirable situation that things would turn out wrong, keeping each other long-term hostages in proceedings to divorce does not fit.

And if you may be free again, then head for that happiness. Don't get stuck in all kinds of false speech, hatred and self-pity. Take steps forward and stop toxifying your past situations, your ex-partner, your children and your environment. After all, that is ultimately a poisoning of yourself.

Gangey Gruma (Frans Captijn)

Captijn InsightCatalyst in developing tranquility & in-sight to get in a sustainable way real connection, purpose, pleasure and flow in life, love, family, business, career and work again.

Friday, May 24, 2019

More is better? Wake up and create space to live joy!

There are continuous marketing campaigns for the sale of houses and apartments in Chiang Mai, Thailand. More than super-large billboards, showing mostly only the interiors of those houses, shouting for attention.
I think every fourth truck that drives here is pretty much a concrete truck. Chiang Mai is exploding. A huge amount of growth and development. It seems absolutely there is no economic crisis, although many apartments and houses are vacant.
On the way back from a funeral, I again saw large signs of yet another new project. With my background in construction and architecture I continue to find it strange that apparently a beautiful interior on the enormous photos has to sell the houses. You will not find the structure and layout of the houses. They all look like showroom. It seems like you are buying a house for the curtains, the bed or the couch.

This new project showed in bold written words: "More is better" and as you can see in the photo, even a bird did already shit over that 'slogan'. Perhaps that animal understands things better than many people do. After all, life is not about always more, let alone that you find lasting happiness in it. It are only companies and in particular marketers who help us to believe this. After all, money has to be earned.

Better is the exact opposite. Not more, but less. And less creates space to breathe, to enjoy quality and ... to be happy and grateful for what you already have.
Most of our houses are often already some sort of warehouses more than full of stuff. We continue to collect, sometimes we don't even know why we bought anything at all. And more could be added because that is better ???

Last week someone told me a great way to create space in your house again. It actually has to do with two things, he said. What he told me resonated in me:

  1. Just walk through your house. Take room by room and step by step things that are standing, laying or hanging in that room in your hands and ask yourself (be honest with yourself) "Does this still bring me joy, more happiness in my life? Do I still get energy from this? If the answer is 'No', just get rid of it.
  2. After that first action, creating space, you organize the things that remain. This is another way to have more room, get an overview and easier to find those things that make you happy when you need them.

More is better? Do not make me laugh. What is life all about? About the endless process of wanting more and more? Clinging on and guarding and protecting more because it makes you all so much more happy or robs you of space and freedom?

The desire to have more and hold more breeds anxiety. That anxiety makes us act out of fear of loss. When we cling to things, we become slaves of our (always only temporary) possessions. 

In my opinion, the greatest goal in life is LIVING. And for joy, freedom, letting go and space to breathe are the most important factors in that. That is something else than continuing to collect more because it would be better.

Wake up and create space to live joy. 

Gangey Gruma (Frans Captijn)

Captijn InsightCatalyst in developing tranquility & in-sight to get in a sustainable way real connection, purpose, pleasure and flow in life, love, family, business, career and work again.

Monday, May 20, 2019

Frans Captijn seven years in Thailand

Time flies. 
Exactly today I am living in Thailand for seven years. In the mean time I have not been back to my 'home' country. Being in Thailand actually feels much more home. 

My oldest sister asked me if I wanted to go back to The Netherlands and my answer was, if not necessary to go back, I want to stay here. 

This period of seven years a lot of things happend to me and around me. Actually like in every person's life. And is this life better? Many experiences for years already I shared in my weekly blog. 

I always say living here is a different experience, you cannot compare. For me it still feels as having got the gift to live two different lives in one lifetime. It made my world much bigger and smaller. 
Bigger in a way of thinking and awareness. Seeing things that made me sometimes upset in a total different way and order. How small The Netherlands and all that's going on there is in the big, big, world. 
Smaller in being less and less affected by negative energy produced by what all is happening in the world and on (social) media. I do not follow any media anymore. Does it really matter? I am still and happy alive. 
I am very thankful for all that. 

Plans and ideas for the future? The main thing is to try and hope to stay healthy. 
And yes, several ideas. Even of leaving Chiang Mai and start to live at a different location in Thailand. I am open and willing to start to build a small project by myself. Not as a goal to reach but as a path to follow. And there is more. Just a way of going with the flow and enjoying every day I get. 

How all these new ideas will work out? Time will tell. Just follow my blog ;).

Gangey Gruma (Frans Captijn)

Captijn InsightCatalyst in developing tranquility & in-sight to get in a sustainable way real connection, purpose, pleasure and flow in life, love, family, business, career and work again.