Friday, March 17, 2017

Sound extinction. Man is gaining ground.

This morning I walked a long time with my dog through the woods. More and more he knows the way and he goes where he wants to go. I follow. Do I walk with my dog or does my dog walk with me? No matter what, we stay vital together walking several times on a daily base.

On a quiet forest trail he as well as I felt attracted by the sound of a singing beautiful big bird. Actually, we stopped together at the same time to listen quietly to the harmony of all the sounds in that place.
Maybe it's because I'm learning and practicing more and more with sounds the last months that I am even earlier alert of this phenomena. I am more and more aware and sensitive of the wonderful sounds of nature surrounding us.

When you become more and more aware of harmonics as a phenomenon of sound, you entire way of listening becomes altered. You may hear harmonics in the dripping of a tap or overtones in the wind as it rushes past your window.  As you become aware of harmonics, your listening patterns change and, as this occurs, so does your consciousness.

Listening takes about 70% of our sense energy. Listening is one of the great active experiences in which we can easily learn to partake. It is one that we are quite naturally born to do, although unfortunately it is an ability that many of us lose as we grow older. There are other important things to focus on.

Science shows that one of the basic functions of our ears are to provide, through natural sound, both a charging of the cortex of the brain and 90 – 95% of the body’s total charge.

Every morning I start my day in the forest and my first class in one of the Sala’s here at the resort. Carlien, my daughter calls it the ‘bird disco’. It is a fantastic experience to be able to know and "read" the time by the soundscape around you. Being aware of the ongoing changing combination of sense impulses during the day liberated me of using a watch and a clock. A great experience.

On that spot in the forest, actively listening together to the harmonics, in the distance we heard some new sounds arriving. The sound of a motorbike. And.. another one and another one. It appeared to be three motocross motorcycles, like idiots, tearing across the walking trails. Large clouds of dust and a deafening noise. Just in time I could attach my dog on the leash to avoid a collision with the first rider, who was not aware that there was still someone ‘silent’ listening. All three on a wild way passed. I felt left coughing in the dust and with a not amused dog. We both kept silent for a while beaten down to the dust. The sound was different. The silence, the experience of the presence of all, had become "dead". That everything there was ... suddenly was no more. Extinguished, destroyed by the sudden disturbance. One man's pleasure, the other should just swallow dust as a thank you.

It reminded me of a very short movie impression which was sent to me recently about the work of the to the musician and naturalist Bernie Krause. He is one of the world's leading experts in natural sound. Krause has been recording "soundscapes" - the wind in the trees, the chirping of birds, the songs of humpback whales - for over forty years and has amassed the largest archive in the world. In doing so, Krause can chart how wildlife sounds have changed over the course partly because of climate and partly because of habitat changes actually all forced by humans. If you want to listen for yourself click here. The silence speaks volumes. 

It seems like we cannot live without extra noise anymore. The radio or music in the car turned on, music during fitness, sports or running, music at home and during studying. Additional sound everywhere. And with all that extra noise we extinct more and more the natural sounds that were available for us to serve, get a peaceful feeling, to make curious, to heal, or even to stand still (like I did in the forest).

Is there a way to re-open the idea of listening in the world and to connect in a better way? At least better listening would be. By listening better tot the sound of life, rather than shutting it out, we are led to search for a harmonizing force appearing in the hollow din of our situation. That will be a second listening and there are many more layers. They come from silence. There are levels of listening and one leads upward towards the next. Serving you to connect, enjoy and discover (yourself) more.

Man is gaining ground. The world around us calls it growth. Growth is change and we need to connect with change. Nothing wrong with that idea. We want and need ‘more’. It’s all about ‘I’  and ‘me’. And the world around us just only need to accept that behavior. Dust and extra noise or not. I, MY, pleasure. MY deliberately destroying. Climate change and habitat change does not bother us. WE live NOW so what about next generations. They can and will solve the problems we arrange with technical solutions. Let’s ‘trust’ that idea…

I hope my bird disco still holds for a long period although, after seeing and hearing the short movie of Bernie Krause, I am not sure about a long term guarantee. Natural silence, being open and willing to experience the awareness of everything... On a daily base and as long as it still is possible for me here I go on opening up for receiving the healing harmonics of my early morning bird disco. 

Frans Captijn

Host / Catalyst / Talenteer at Captijn Insight

Captijn Insight“Catalyst in your process to new sustainable flow in life and work. Whether you are an individual, couple, team or an organization.”

Friday, March 10, 2017

Service clubs. 100% intention to serve? Or to be proud of yourself about what you achieved?

“A Service Club (or service organization) is a voluntary non-profit organization where members meet regularly to perform charitable works either by direct hands-on efforts or by raising money for other organizations. A service club is defined firstly by its service mission and secondly its membership benefits, such as social occasions, networking, and personal growth opportunities that encourage involvement. Service clubs perform many essential services for their community and other worthy causes.”
(Source Wikipedia, The Free Encyclopedia)

Many years I have been a member of several Service Clubs. As a professional young fire officer I was a member of Junior Chamber International. Becoming a fire-chief and moving to another part of my country I was asked to become a member of Round Table International. Reaching the age of forty I became a member of the 40+ club of Round Table international and Kiwanis International.

I keep lots of good remembrances and friendships as well.

There is still a lot charity in this world to do. What I liked most in the clubs I was able to join was the hands-on activities and the friendship. Talking and discussing about other things than work and cooperation to achieve something together for the benefit of others.

Living here in Thailand now I am no member anymore of this kind of clubs. Several times I still see or hear discussions from clubs spread all over the world and I think the intention is going more and more in the wrong direction.

The intention is and has to be SERVICE to the community. Not only as club but also as individual members. I feel sad to hear several times that a company pays for the membership. Just to get business benefits because of the network and friendships their employee gets.
For me it’s a pollution of the real intention of this kind of clubs and its members. When a member really wants to work on personal development and personal growth… it’s all about a personal thing and not a business related thing. So you pay yourself to keep your intentions clear and clean.

And although a service club is not necessarily exclusive of ideological motives, lots of them identify themselves through their club. And here is the other thing that sometimes makes me feel a bit sad. In my opinion, people who are member of this clubs have or had a certain social status or position and could easily afford being a member (themselves).
But what about the intention? Is the intention there 100% to serve community, friendship and personal development? As I look around on the internet (and in the area I live) the intention is more and more to identify their organization. To show how good they are in charity to society. To get or keep a status.

Showing the world how proud they are to be a member (and yes, I was as well) and what a wonderful things they are and were able to do to ‘serve’. Do not forget ‘WE’ did it…

When you are really up to serve out of your abundance, creativity, network and hands-on mentality that’s more than great and at lots of places and for lots of individuals or groups in society its more than needed. But does that most of the time for you ‘easy job’ need a ‘lifetime label’ you were so good together? To give attention to your visibility?

Sad to see for instance old men, sweating on their old tricycle bicycles, transporting ‘wealthy’ guests through our city with an immense sign of a service club on their back showing they are the sponsor of this sweating… And yes, the man earns some money with it I know. And still…

A basic thing in live, and you do not have to be a Service Club member for that, is to grow by sharing. Isn’t it your (and everybody’s) normal duty to share? It has everything to do with living and fulfilling your mission. You do not have to put a ‘sign’ or ‘label’ on it afterwards because it has everything to do with your calling. And yes again, I catch myself as well sometimes to share ‘my good deeds’ with the world. Being aware of it is again a step closer to just do what you have to do. If other people appreciate it, just accept a be willing to receive their ‘thank you’. That’s more than enough. No statue needed. 

Service clubs, connect with your basic intention. That’s 100% to serve. Not to promote yourself telling the world around how proud you are about your own serving. Isn’t it just your (charitable) work to do? No statue needed.

Frans Captijn

Host / Catalyst / Talenteer at Captijn Insight

Captijn Insight“Catalyst in your process to new sustainable flow in life and work. Whether you are an individual, couple, team or an organization.”

Friday, March 3, 2017

If you know your life-purpose you do not need goals any longer

"Where would you like to be in five years’ time? What position in society you want to have? What will you have achieved? What are your targets and goals? Focus on it! You can achieve it! Believe in yourself!"
This idiocy I have lived for many, many years. I learned it not only in one management training but in lots of courses and trainings in relation to my previous job as a CEO.

Set your goals, focus on your goals and believe in yourself. Yes you can! You can get there. Nothing is impossible. I was running more and more. Focused on the future and had the inner believe this was just my ‘normal’ life. And reaching a goal I did not even celebrate because I was already in the next mood of “Where do I want to be within five years?”. Only running. And now I am so glad I can (still) share this story.

Last week I was working with a couple from Australia. Both very hard-working people in their own super successful business and still ... not connected enough to their real passion and life-purpose/mission. They reached a transition point in their life. How to proceed? Time is running out. What are we going to do  with the next part or second half of our lives (if at least there is a second part)? 7 Days a week of hard work. A large staff of employees in the preparations and execution of their business. Always accessible and available (for the first time ever taken time off now in a timespan of ten years). No more time for themselves and often too tired to continue to invest in each other. And happy to learn still there was a lot to explore and to grow in their relationship and they were excited to do. Great to work together with them for a while.

Today, an entire questionnaire about my personal change in life I made. Someone in the Netherlands is investigating about people who made a huge shift in life and wants to write a book about it. Probably I have an interesting story, we will see. And again it came to the meaning of life, or rather not to live life the fullest, and how to find and follow your mission.

During their program the Australian man discovered something fantastic. His wife totally understood afterwards as well. And this kind of personal discoveries are why I call my work with our guests literally "Street University" (learning by doing). Both the man and the woman, supported by the program, touched their life mission and passion.
The discovery of the man actually was that if you dare to live your mission you do not need goals in your life any longer. Every day in freedom and in energy you reach a destination. You build the bridge or life path walking it. You trust life to appear by living it.

Do not worry. Can worrying add a single moment to your life-span? Do not worry about tomorrow; tomorrow will take care of itself.

If you live your mission you allow the mastery of your uniqueness to appear. Your life is coming in flow. You surrender to what’s waiting for you in life. You achieve so much more and enjoy the journey of life so much more. No goals needed anymore you get (instead of reach) so much more.

And that message I got last Sunday as well again and I could also share it in the author’s interview as my own experience.

I feel more than rich, wealthy, to live this way. And about all that matters in five years? Certainly I should have known that it was madness to live that question. My background and experience in crisis and disaster management showed me very often a lot of human and animal suffering. No tomorrow anymore. Too bad.

If the sun did not rise for me tomorrow I can say that I have lived my mission. What a lucky man I am it (just) was not too late for me to realize that. And what the world thinks and talks about me and my present lifestyle is up to that world. I LIVE life and I wish this experience of life flow to everyone.

Let go of your clinging to all your safe and secure assurances in your life(you are not even capable to hold on them forever). They are only in your mind. Trust yourself and every day take the first step again. Keep it fresh. Life will become a great adventurous journey. 

Frans Captijn

Host / Catalyst / Talenteer at Captijn Insight

Captijn Insight“Catalyst in your process to new sustainable flow in life and work. Whether you are an individual, couple, team or an organization.”

Friday, February 24, 2017

Find and free your sexual energy and live a free/freer and more connected LIFE.

Today, at the place I live in Thailand, a nine-day Tantra retreat / workshop finishes. 53 Guests participated. What apparently first appeared to be a yoga retreat developed more and more (and eventually) in a Tantra program and experience. And an experience it was.

The guests worked - in the full and exciting program - in the morning, afternoon and evening. Lack of energy and commitment of the participants did not appear. It was a huge liberation in connectedness.

How does it work and why most people do not experience this?
To start with the latter. Your inner database or your programming, most of the times formed - out of the best intentions of others - by your upbringing, culture, religion, expectations of others and not to forget personal life experiences (often damages) push you away from deep inner connection, intimacy and warm engaged relationships.

Every single person is desiring and has a hunger for deeper intimacy in life and in all kind of warm friendships and relationships. And we have been taught to be ashamed of the most natural thing to us in relation to deep connecting. Shame is the number one thing keeping us from our evolution to growing into our deepest and best self.
We have shame around our bodies. We have shame around our emotions and being vulnerable. And all the shame is keeping us like living these small lives and black and white. Tantra can teach us to step out of this boxes and to live in technicolor.

And please stop your immediate labelling. Tantra is not just about having (greater) sex. There is a lot of misunderstanding. What tantra really is about is so much deeper and so much bigger than only sex and effects all the areas of our life whether you know it or not.

It helps you to connect on a mind, body and spirit level. All kind of classes or courses teach you to change your mind, to change your thoughts, to change your believes, but they leave your body - and especially our senses - as part of the holistic approach in relation to connecting behind. Tantra brings your body back into the picture and makes your presence stronger. It’s all about awakening through your senses. Discovering the jewels of aliveness (as I call in in our Tantra workshops).

We have this deeper cravings locked into our bodies. Most of us have been taught to disconnect from our bodies to have shame around all these natural things in us in a way that is crippling our lives. Crippling your relationships whether that’s romantic relationships, family relationships, friendships and most of all your relationship to yourself. Do you feel worthy of being loved and creating sacred sexuality and warm engaged relationships?

Tantra ignites and offers the ability to the soul to experience the human body through touch, taste and smell and all of your senses. To be aware of and connected with the energy this sensations bring you. One person alone but especially two people can share together. And Tantra will give you that feeling and deep connection back in reclaiming in how sacred these relationships are. Tantra also teaches you, by releasing your intimacy blocks and shame, how to be present in a more engaged and connected way. When you are always stuck in your head and not in your body you cannot totally be present in connections with others.

If you free your sexual energy in yourselves, you are more energetic, much, much more alert, connected and attractive. Indeed, it is something very natural. By too much rational thinking about it, we limit the positive energy supply to ourselves and our environment. Sexual energy you can experience physically, mentally, emotionally as well as on a spiritual level and of course, from that experience, you can express. Sexual energy offers a base for more enjoyment and pleasure in your daily life.

And the intense enjoyment of these energy you can simply learn at all ages (because you never learned it and it’s not age-dependent).

So how does it work?
Tantra, intimacy and sacred sexuality might be a little bit out of your comfort zone. Possibly it sounds strange at first sight, but the main thing you are doing is discovering yourself. Not an egoistic thing. All kind of creative approaches are offered to support your sense and energy journey. And (at least in our programs) you wear loose cotton clothes (during some classes in the program ‘white robe’).
Like in many of our other programs mindfulness (the energy to be for 100% connected with what you are doing) is an important part. To awaken the senses and creating sensual and sexual energy flow we work with meditation, visualization, imagination, music (songs and mantras), sound (vibration and harmonics by Tibetan singing bowls, Ghantas, Tingshas and gongs), dance, touch, breathing techniques, body work (Kundalini yoga), massage, etc .. All with the intention to first find and grant yourself. Discovering and experiencing what you need from yourself (and/or additional from your relations) and can give as well to allow that inner energy flow. Emotions / blockages are visible and you learn yourself to drop veils of shame and intimacy blocks (till a level that still feels comfortable to you) and accept the energy flow for deep engaged connecting.

Do you know yourself? My / our experience is that people generally do not even know their outside. Only that part of yourself you can see in a mirror. Not even talking about all the uniqueness that is stored and available on the inside. Not even talking for instance about the intense awareness of being touched.

And it is precisely in all hose discoveries to get the higher energy flow and experience. More freedom and a totally different inspiring and engaged connection with yourself and the world around. That’s the biggest gift you will learn yourself.

Great, and not even only in and for the participants themselves, to feel and see a wonderful total energy shift in, and connection between, people in such a week, making you aware of LIVING in connection.

Worth (and looking forward) organizing.

Frans Captijn

Host / Catalyst / Talenteer at Captijn Insight

Captijn Insight“Catalyst in your process to new sustainable flow in life and work. Whether you are an individual, couple, team or an organization.”

Friday, February 17, 2017

Sleeping as meditation? How does it work (and much more). Some insights out of Buddhist philosophy.

Actually quite a nice experience. Starting this year my first early morning class changed in name and now is called 'Buddhist philosophy and meditation’. And from the first moment it carries this name the classes, so far, became busier and busier with guests from all kind of different cultures. The word ‘meditation’ apparently still often scares people a bit. Too woolly and not connected still for several people is the label. On vacation in Thailand (or any other Buddhist country) or as here taking ‘Me-time’ to work on physical or mental health, people feel invited and show interested to learn and understand more about background and culture.

For a period of more than six weeks I hardly hear the quote "I am joining your class alone today. My partner wanted to go on meditating in her/his bed”. Quite often the last weeks there are even more people who, even earlier than the start of the morning yoga, join the Buddhist philosophy and meditation class. Nothing to do with our four great skilled, inspiring and inviting yoga instructors. Even more and more Chinese guests while the Chinese owner of our place first thought Chinese guests would not highly appreciate meditation. They do, and I am very happy about it.

So I miss that phrase more and more. Can you see sleep as meditation? And of course I know that with a big smile on their face it was mend to be a funny quote.

Buddhism knows two types of meditation that actually cannot be seen as separated parts. Samatha and Vipassana. You can see them as the two wings of a bird. With only one wing a bird cannot fly. Thousands of guests visit Thailand every year to attend the so-called Vipassana meditation retreat programs. Not knowing and understanding what it means. And how crazy it may sound, Vipassana is the second step.

It all starts with Samatha, which very roughly stands for focus and relaxation. Samatha, very gently turns into Vipassana what roughly means insight and being aware of breathing.

To stay in your bed to sleep an hour longer could be seen therefore as part of Samatha meditation. Isn’t it your choice for relaxation? And… no, your insight (or General Excuse) is totally wrong.

Often I get the question from guests: "Can you help me to stop thinking and calm down my monkey mind? Stop thinking? No, better not. I am not able to do that and you are not able to do that as well. Better think about stopping if the traffic light is red. We do not have a button to turn off our thinking process. We can learn, and that is not a one-time activity but a lifelong covenant with yourself, to calm the flow of thoughts down. The meaning of meditation is training the mind. You train your personal central computer, your mind. And just like your take care of your physical body everyday – taking a shower or wash it – why not at least give your mind every day one moment of your attention. After all, you want to stay healthy.

And still… we have a button/switch and hardly ever think about it. Buddhist philosophy teaches that we have eight states of consciousness. Five of them, they are conveniently called our salesmen/saleswomen, we turn off every day without even being aware. Those five, driven by looking, tasting, feeling, hearing and smelling, can only connect you with now, with your present moment. You cannot literally look ahead or look backward, not taste what comes tomorrow or hear the sounds of music at the party that is organized next week for you. Those five senses connect you purely just and only with and for the present moment.
And what about that switch? Once you get into your bed and go to sleep then you switch this five off without any problem. Actually, you bring them in deep sleep or deep relaxation state.

The sixth sense in Buddhist philosophy is our mind (our mano-consciousness). And that mind organ has the ability and the capacity to deal with the now, our past and our future. If no "now signals" enter from our five senses than the mind at random and partly uncontrolled connect with past experiences and thoughts about the future. We start dreaming. Be aware, after all, we cannot turn of our mind (better not).

Examining your fears very deeply, you eventually will discover that the base of your fear is you are afraid to die. It gives us our basic strength and will to survive, to continue to connect with the world around us. In my former profession in worldwide crises and disaster management I had to deal a lot with this. Going to bed, we do not feel any fear to fall asleep and most people never realize that they switch off their consciousness and disconnect with the world around with ease. Not even sure you will wake up the next day. Sorry to tell you I have many stories and experiences with this theme/thought that this inner and satisfying believe is not at all the truth. No fear to fall asleep and turn off, fear to die…

During meditation practice all our senses go on working to be fully conscious. Like the butterfly that stays fully conscious (his/her way to survive) on the picture. We only give this group of our five main senses a temporary ‘home’ (often focusing on our nose tip or our breathing). We try to bring our senses back from temptations and focus on ourselves. Fully conscious and being present. And yes, that's really different from sleep.

It makes me happy more and more people are discovering the value to learn more about this philosophy and even take a closer look at all free available offers to LIVE life more consciously, mindfully and a with more peace of mind. 

Frans Captijn

Host / Catalyst / Talenteer at Captijn Insight

Captijn Insight“Catalyst in your process to new sustainable flow in life and work. Whether you are an individual, couple, team or an organization.”

Friday, February 10, 2017

Use your own ‘magic’ personal healing power. Highly recommended.

Yesterday finally, 7 weeks after my accident with my red Yamaha Tricity, I discovered my scooter finally is fixed. It costs me about halve a brand new bike on spare parts and wages. And actually I am happy to pay that because I am still alive. There was a lot of damage, material (my scooter), physical (my body), and also a bit mental (not the ego but for a couple of weeks fright and still driving more careful).

Strange enough it took my body (only) 6 weeks to totally recover. At the emergency room at Lanna Hospital in Chiang Mai the doctor already told me I must have a lot of good Karma because I had lots of wounds and injuries on the total left side of my body, but nothing broken and he was in doubt to use stiches or not. He thought the body was able to heal by itself providing that I took good care of the wounds and healing process. We decided to do it without stiches. I got 5 different medicines (to be honest I only used two for three days).

One of my neighbours helped me with a kind of ultrasound curing for my left arm and shoulder and some ‘personal health responsibility anti-bacterial treatment’. I myself started with personal (Shamanic) healing in relation to positive and stimulating healing energy support by thoughts and intentions. Possibly some people who read this will think this is really a woolly story and I am not at all connected with the earth again. Just think and judge what you want to think or judge but still… My ‘personal repair’ only took 6 weeks without any other treatment.

We think all this wonders and magic stories you can find in books as the bible, vague self-help books, etc.. And yes, most people believe in the past and possibly now as well there are some people who had or have special healing power. My dad for instance is an example. And actually he showed me, it’s only a question of believe because we all have this ‘magic’ energy and healing power. The only thing is, we are not aware, we are not used to use it and think we are not trained and immediately label this things as ‘woolly’. So let’s visit a specialist, a doctor, a therapist to work on it and do not trust yourself.

This time, listening to the voice of my father and having more and more experience working with energy and sound flow and curing, I gave it a try. I invited my body to heal by itself. To show me his inner restorative power.

I started to support my healing process with positive and encouraging attention, thoughts and energy work (Buddhism uses for some of this techniques the word Metta). And with this inner energy you are able to connect with any cell, organ or tissue of your body. Supporting the healing process. Just a matter of making use of the inner available energy in every person to be able to heal not only other beings but yourself as well.

A wonder? Maybe not any longer if you believe it is available in you, for you and to serve the world around. Highly recommended and…it doesn’t hurt to try.

Frans Captijn

Host / Catalyst / Talenteer at Captijn Insight

Captijn Insight“Catalyst in your process to new sustainable flow in life and work. Whether you are an individual, couple, team or an organization.”

Friday, February 3, 2017

Study more easily and achieve better results by using a part of your ‘boring time’ in a different way.

Three weeks ago a Chinese mother and her daughter visited me. The daughter, a student, acted as her mothers translator. She addressed her mother could not find any peace in her mind and actually it was the same for her as well. They had heard about my Mind Manage Training courses I organize here at the resort and wanted to hear and learn more from it. 

The daughter, who really was super interested and engaged with the theme, mainly wanted to know if there was a way to study more easily and also to achieve better results. She immediately added that she had only limited or actually no extra time because she was too busy with everything going on in her life, with her studies and with the things going on around her.

And again, I cannot help it, coincidence. A former fire chief in my region, who now works in the Dutch Rotterdam-Rijnmond area, sends me the same week an article published in the Dutch newspaper ‘Algemeen Dagblad’ (AD) about the Rotterdam Buddha Festival with the headline: "Mobiles off Buddha on". With a big smile he asked me: "Did you start opening new branches / franchises in the Netherlands?"

Two simple answers with some explanation to help you to understand easier or better.

# Yes it is possible (even scientifically proven) to study more easily and thereby to achieve better results.
# No, I am not creating new branches / franchises in the Netherlands or anywhere in the world and will never that.

To start with the last answer. I noticed that the area, the habitat, where you live and work is essential. It offers you the underlying energy (flow/engagement) to share the things you have to bring. I discovered Thailand is my home. This all does not mean that I may not tarry with my activities at other places in the world. Basic requirement for this is that I feel good in that place. To feel enough flow (be and stay in my strength) and participants literally engage with the activities we do at that energetic place. So as the article in the newspaper AD indicates to take some time to take a rest for themselves and disconnect to connect.
And now, my main theme in my program is not, seen by many as woolly - to discover the Buddha. I am from origin still a constructional engineer and a fire chief. So skip that ‘fluffy’ part and do not immediately talk and think in stereotypes.

And about the first question if there is a way to make studying easier and achieve much better results the explanation actually is quite simple. You need to unlearn some things, in a playful way and without even knowing, you learned in your past. You should be more aware and get insight in your behaviour. You have to learn and train right concentration and right effort and build up a new routine being and continuing the master of your mind instead of the slave.

Hardly have time for that? Even for this the answer is simple and the explanation in my opinion easy to understand.
Do not make me laugh. You only give attention to your own created General Excuse.
For the majority life has many, many, many "boring time" and "time to wait". And what do we do if we are or get bored? We start hanging watching television, we play a game on our computer or mobile device, or for hours we chat. Apparently we have more than enough time for that. And people tell themselves they do not have time (or do not want to spend time?) to really invest in themselves?

It's just learning and creating a new life routine. To use 15 minutes, preferably early in the morning, a day to pay attention and to take care of your inner personal computer. Your mind. To calm it and to keep calm and fit. To skip only 15 minutes of your ‘boring time' and turn it into Mind Manage Training practice. Working on a drill with the things I mentioned.
Very quickly you will feel and face the effects. More peace in your mind, better concentration, more connection, better and brighter choices, better sleep, time left, and a desire to use more of your 'boring time' for that where it really all about for you. Why? Because with this practice you open up your mind treasures step by step. You find immeasurable treasures, boundless thinking and peace of mind.  

An investment in your future and better results - guaranteed – not only in relation to your studies.

It has only to do with the firm will to take the first step and the power to continue to practice. Progress will come…

Frans Captijn
Host / Catalyst / Talenteer at Captijn Insight

Captijn Insight“Catalyst in your process to new sustainable flow in life and work. Whether you are an individual, couple, team or an organization.”

Friday, January 27, 2017

A relationship does not make you happier

At first sight this might be a bit a 'blunt' statement. Try to be very, very honest to yourself... If you recognize something in it (or in relation to your neighbors) feel invited to read on. 
Absolutely no recognition? Congratulations! You can be proud to be part of a select group who indeed found that extra luck. So skip this time reading my blog and go on enjoying a happier life being together. 

Like me, you probably recognize sometimes all this kind of coincidences. And you can ask yourself is this coincidence or is there something to learn?
Last week, during my work, I watched again a presentation of Nick Vujicic (The Australian man without arms and legs). This time a keynote speech in relation to achieving goals. Again, I had to laugh loud hearing one of his statements towards his audience.

“My estimation is that most of you have been married at one stage of your life. And you know, you see all this teenagers and college people who are single and they’re like: “Oh, I just can’t wait to get married”. And their goal is to get married. And if they get there it’s not all that they thought. They think: “O my live’s gonna get easier when I get married. Nu-uh! Any married person will go up to them and say, “Honey if you ain’t happy single, you ain’t gona be happy married.” Can you hear an amen? All say “Amen”. And Nick responded: “See those are the married people”.

That same day, during my studies I got an explanation of my teacher on the same subject. And in the evening I picked, at random, a story to prepare a morning session from my workbook - believe it or not – about being or not being more happy in a relationship.

Many single people are looking forward to, or in search for, a partner. That would give a feeling of being ‘complete'. On the other hand, those who are in a relationship and do not like it anymore are on search or looking forward to their freedom or being single and their selves again.
Previously, much more than now, couples stayed together. Nowadays people recognize that if, despite trying many things to get things in their relationship better, for whatever reason or disturbance they –as individuals and as couple - cannot grow anymore, it might be better to decide to take a different and individual new course to flow again.

Based on (2014) statistics from the United Nations (United Nations, Department of Economic and Social Affairs) figures indicate at that time an average global "Divorce - Marriage - Ratio" of 43%. On top that period Belgium with 71% followed by the USA (53%) and Russia (51%).
All couples who decided not to proceed in their marriage. Ultimately it manifested being together in their relationship did not bring them any higher value or higher happiness any more. This figures talk only about married people so only as a part of all kind of relationships in general. Obviously there are also lots of couples not at all really happy anymore with each other and with their relationship that remain together whatsoever reason. They just ‘accept’ (not really accepting) the grown situation for that what it is and carry it as a burden on their back. Financial reasons, responsibilities (some only pretended), fear, and still in charge of the pretended expectations of the outside world. Sometimes I ask myself in relation to this expectations, did you really ask? It’s only something you created in your mind.
And of course, let's face it, fortunately there are also couples who are real sparkling and bright shining being together in their relationship. And maybe this blog is just about them.

Osho writes in his book ‘The Search, Find your inner power, your potential’:
“A very intricate, complex thing that has to be understood: if you are not in love, you are lonely. If you are in love, really in love, you become alone.

Loneliness is sadness; aloneness is not sadness. Loneliness is a feeling of incompleteness. You need someone and the needed one is not available. Loneliness is darkness, with no light in it. A dark house, waiting and waiting for someone to come and kindle the light.

Aloneness is not loneliness. Aloneness means the feeling that you are complete (all-one). Nobody is needed, you are enough. And this happens in love. Lovers become alone – through love you touch your inner completeness. Love makes you complete. Lovers share each other, but that is not their need, that is their overflowing energy.

Two persons who have been feeling lonely can make a contract, can come together. They are not lovers, remember. They remain lonely. Now because of the presence of the other, they don’t feel the loneliness – that’s all. They somehow mislead themselves. Their love is nothing but a trick to mislead oneself: and the world around showing I am not lonely – somebody else is here. When two basically lonely persons are meeting, their loneliness is doubled, or even multiplied. That’s what happens ordinarily.

How can two lonelinesses coming together become completion, totality? Not possible.
By the time the honeymoon is finished, the marriage is also finished. It is very temporary. It is just an illusion.

Real love is not a search to go against loneliness. Real love is to transform loneliness into aloneness. To help the other – if you love the person, you help him to be alone. You don’t fill him or her. You don’t try to complete the other in some way by your presence. You help the other to be alone, to be so full out of her or his own being that you will not be a need.”

My teacher of an International Buddhist University in China, online, told during his lecture that the majority does not feel happier because of their relationship. On the contrary relationships, after a first happy start - and most of the time stimulated by the normal natural and biological impulses if people feel attracted to each other – sooner or later face personal restrictions and suffering. Partners in many relationships step by step and more and more feel lonely. Not understood, discouraged or even hindered in personal development and growth. Afterwards it showed up to them they had different expectations. Lots of times they only create their expectations afterwards. Because they do not feel happy in their relationship anymore they start to think (and feel) about it. At that time they start thinking about (or creating) their expectations. They realize they basically too much adapted and restricted themselves. And again in retrospection, they now feel this happened against their will.

If you adapt yourself – against who you actual are and want or maybe to life your mission need to be – at a certain moment you have to face a kind of inner revenge. Because all this adapting limited both partners in growing and sharing their uniqueness. Not only they caused harm to themselves as an individual but also their partner / family. The relation formed a routine. A downward spiral in personal growth and development of each individual and the relationship.

And he as well noted that the first step to do is to learn to be happy with yourself, you need to feel free and have unconditional love for yourself. You're the one who lives 24 hours with yourself a day. And un-conditional love to yourself means you do not want to depend on or depend on anyone else to have bliss and success. It’s only yourself. If you succeed in that, to get in addition something even more is not needed but can be felt as a nice bonus.

If that unconditional love and the recognition of yourself starts to overflow, and you cannot hide radiating that energy in all directions, you have a free choice in how to share that surplus to and with others. At that moment you are one with yourself and experience yourself as a part and connected with everything and everyone. There is no need for a specific love affair with another person. It’s only an option. Possibly is only disturbs that process in the long run.

Whatever the choice and way, you should always remain alert to yourself not to sag that basic personal level of completeness and unconditional love for yourself first.
Isn’t that a bit selfish? If you would go for less, how can you be there for others in optimal forma?  And perhaps that is what the people who actually experience they make each other real sustainable happier being in a relationship, have. They are and remain, first for themselves, continue to feel free in their relationship, enjoy mutual and collective growth and take steps forward in a natural way together where they both feel 100% connected and satisfied.

A day again with quite a few approaches to gain insights. Maybe by reading this blog not just only for me.

Being all-one. Single or in a relationship? A relationship for sure does not have to make you happier ...
The first step is to be there, to be available for- and happy with - yourself. So you can share from your own abundance, in freedom to the world around, your uniqueness in an optimal way. 
Nothing selfish and perhaps there still is a lot to do.

Frans Captijn
Host / Catalyst / Talenteer at Captijn Insight

Captijn Insight“Catalyst in your process to new sustainable flow in life and work. Whether you are an individual, couple, team or an organization.”