Friday, April 26, 2019

What is being a good father?

In one word it is great to have my son with me here again at the moment. Quality time.
Perhaps it is strange to say, but because of our divorce which started in 1997, not only our children, but I too have become used to seeing each other not too often face-to-face. Although I have an aversion to social media, I embrace perhaps already old-fashioned, Skype. It gives me the opportunity to contact them almost every day. Son Rik in South Limburg, The Netherlands, and daughter Carlien in Perth, Australia. And when we meet in person we really have and take the time for each other. We share all our news, thoughts and feelings with each other and have a wonderful bond.

Children fly out. You raise them. During that process offering them and influence them in what you think in the right way as parents something for their future. You never studied for that. After all that you have to wait.
For me it is 100% certain that my/our children were born out of love and that we, my ex-wife and I, had and still have the best intentions for their future. And who does not have that as parents. I think far the majority of parents does have the same. And whether you are doing the right things as parents and set the good examples? What's right and what is good? Opinions on this may differ. Future will tell.

At the end of March I was reminded again on this being a parent topic. During a meeting the question occurred to me:

What is actually being a good father?

Years ago I read Henri Nouwen (an in 1996 passed away Dutch priest and writer) his book: "Eindelijk Thuis" (Finally home). A beautiful story, actually an explanation, of the painting "The Return of the Prodigal Son" by the Dutch famous painter Rembrandt van Rijn. And in that painting there are a lot of basic aspects that at least should be present for me in answering this question. I leave it to my kids if I meet that minimum profile. In any case, I know that I looked at it differently in the past and learned and changed my opinion during the years so far just by doing.

After all, how do you raise children? Often it consists of giving the new generation what you liked in your own upbringing and giving a different interpretation and approach to what you didn't like in it. Incidentally, in practice, it often turns out that what you wanted to protect them actually at some point is emerging in their behavior, but let’s keep that as food for educators.

For me the painting indicates approachability. Always keep the door open even if your children do things that you, out of your background, culture and / or character, do not stand for. And to maintain that open attitude, creating safety and being non-judgmental (and perhaps even forgiving) are necessary. Opinions may differ. Why not? They make the world more colorful and they definitely don't have to cause removal. And that requires an open mind and heart (true love?).

Do not allow yourself to be influenced by what others, even someone else of your family or your own children, think and say about it. I mentioned it before, it's all about the right intention.

What I learned within that right intention during the upbringing is that I had to be more open in my own idea, no had to make an adjustment, in what I thought was good for my children's future. I was pushing too hard in a direction that I thought was good for them. What is needed is an encouragement in what they want to go for in relation to their future (and happiness). And that not too late made adjustment makes both them and me happy now. It is not about position, status or money or what mom and dad like or want, but it is about happiness and the stimulation and release of their personal uniqueness, their talents.

Being available. Having and taking time to listen without immediately having your own vision ready. If they need your opinion, they can and will ask for it. The great thing about this is that you know what is going on with and in your children and that they are not afraid to share things with you. If that could not be with you (or with their mother) how poor is the bond that you have with your children? Here too safety is the key for me.

Freedom in connection and trusting each other. Perhaps this is the greatest good in relation to good paternity. And although forced by the access arrangements with my children by the court, now I can say it contributed to this. I learned how to deal with not meeting each other face-to-face on a daily basis. Actually I think maybe our bond is even better because of this.

And no, my children absolutely do not have to kneel before me. Rembrandt's painting shows me gratitude rather than humility and status difference.
Certainly here in Thailand I see how specifically that aspect contributes to the family bond.


Buddhist philosophy teaches that there are two basic factors to sustainable raise personal happiness. One is to stop judging. The other to keep the child in the soul alive. Encourage that puppy in your children and set a good example instead of condemning everything around you to adopt an attitude of curiosity. Something that does not mean that you have to accept everything.
It is worth considering to stop unlearning children too much in their upbringing to actually fit them into the system. It could be much more valuable to encourage them to live their authenticity, the fullness and richness of their uniqueness.

I have cited it several times in my blogs. Your children are not your children. They come true you but do not belong to you. They have their own lives and you can be happy that you can be the stimulus in that. How that works out ... you'll see it later.

In any case, I enjoy observing that process.


Gangey Gruma (Frans Captijn)

Captijn InsightCatalyst in developing tranquility & in-sight to get in a sustainable way real connection, purpose, pleasure and flow in life, love, family, business, career and work again.



Friday, April 19, 2019

Doing business with God and why the Buddha has his eyes open.

God would still get a headache I thought a while ago meditating. All those people who knock on his door with their problems, wishes and desires and beg for help and strength because they often no longer see a way out in the problems and the suffering they are facing. All those questions from all over the world and indeed sometimes a thank you. I do not know if there is balance in that. That's why I think of headaches.
The story of a monk during a teaching at the Buddhist University reappeared in my head. Why wouldn’t I share it?

In need you learn to pray is sometimes said. During that lesson it came to the difference in prayer to God and Buddha. The monk shared a nice story with the group that appealed to me very much.

You must know that Buddhism, unlike often said, is not a religion. As a basis there is no God in it. The Buddha is a very distinguished teacher, a former prince, and his father and mother are King and Queen. He was not the first monk at all. He was born 543 years before Christ. There where Christ is also a very important teacher but is seen as the son of God.

It appeared, the group consisted mainly of people who had ever been baptized. The subject, especially because I am also quite active in the church here in Thailand, seemed interesting to me. After all, good to know and respect different perspectives. It makes the world more colorful as far as I am concerned.

He started to ask us if we knew why a Buddha in the temple always has his eyes open. Well then at that moment nobody knew the correct answer.
He continued: "If you go to church and talk to your God there, then you are usually dealing with that God. In the trend of "Help me with this", "Please give me that" and so on. And often there is also a sentence "If you help me with this or that then I will do … in return." It looks like doing a kind of business with your God."

Here in Thailand it is quite normal for students to visit a temple before they do an exam. It seems just like going to church as to pray and in a way this is true. The approach and the way is different, he said.
"If the student would ask the Buddha: Buddha help me to pass my exam by giving the right answers, then the Buddha looks straight at him or her. And that is why he has his eyes open. It shows that he is at peace and in balance, but is well aware of what’s happening in the world around him and therefore also that student on its knees before him.
He stares the boy or the girl in his or her eyes and tries to say penetratingly: What are you doing here? Go home and study! I cannot help you with this. It is in your own hands. "

Indeed, the way of praying in Buddhism seems different to me, a way of worship that appeals to me. It is more of a conversation with the wise teacher to gain insight in peace, to find balance, to get rest and inner wisdom to be able to tackle and resolve the issues as much as possible by yourself. Other than sometimes sharing a lament or nagging for help. Something that by the way absolutely does not have to be the way of praying to a God because, for example, it is often also about getting the power to solve your own difficulties.

Ah, why would God also get a headache? Maybe as God you may not get that at all. Praying as a conversation to gain insight and wisdom from which you yourself can continue. A nice lesson. I think it is easier for the Buddha with less chance of that headache.

Gangey Gruma (Frans Captijn)

Captijn InsightCatalyst in developing tranquility & in-sight to get in a sustainable way real connection, purpose, pleasure and flow in life, love, family, business, career and work again.


Friday, April 12, 2019

Money, servant or master (slave)

Last week I had a chat about the necessity of money. All in relation to the season of Lent before coming Easter.

Although some people showed the world already you can live without I think for most of us it is not a realistic option. On the other hand this same amount of people is not even aware how money has become their master or better to say their slave in life. Wanting more and more and more. A process that never stops because there is never an end or enough.

Living in the country I live, Thailand, especially at the country side you really can find and connect with financial poor people. In another way, living life more aware and in connection because of their different lifestyle, I believe they are much richer. They know and live all the food we eat comes from the earth and for me often it is a miracle how these people can make the most delicious (and healthy) dishes without buying anything. They just share, sow and harvest. Live a community live in face-to-face interaction with each other and are available for each other and know how to be there to take care.  
The internet helps them to believe this richness is not true and right because they need to buy to be happier.

Once I heard a saying: “The economy is there to serve the people and not the other way around.” For me there is a lot of wisdom in this sentence. I invite you to contemplate a moment on this saying and to see what insights it brings to you.

Money in the present world is less and less seen as a servant but more and more as a master. Used in this way money distracts us from what’s really important in life. The most valuable (and for many people also most important) things in life don’t cost any money. For example, air, happiness and/or love.

Money as a master can become our slave in the systems of for instance status, ranking, power, corruption and temporary self-satisfaction. To keep the outside show running many people are trapped in high debts not understanding they do not make their lives more valuable but long term even worse.

In the last seven years, not in my job anymore, learning a different way of (less attached and with less desires) lifestyle I took steps back to money as a servant again.

For me it feels as a relief and freedom to connect more with the most valuable things in my life that really matter for me. More the software than the hardware so to say. Less can be so much more… An enrichment.


Gangey Gruma (Frans Captijn)

Captijn InsightCatalyst in developing tranquility & in-sight to get in a sustainable way real connection, purpose, pleasure and flow in life, love, family, business, career and work again.

Friday, April 5, 2019

Two times a year a six weeks alcohol fast

I have finished it again.

Already about seven years I do two times a year a six weeks alcohol fast.
Many people, even the ‘bartender’ of our Mae Rim weekly local Friday market, already know and respect my periodically break. Several times I get questions about it that’s why I use the opportunity to share my thoughts about it in public in this week’s blog.  

Once, still living at that time in The Netherlands, I was reading in a health magazine an article about the liver. As a funny remark somewhere in the article the author mentioned: “Sometimes it is good to give your liver a holiday.” This sentence resonated with me and I started to practice. Not only as a reason for health, not even to lose weight, but also to regularly check my will power over the attention seekers of my body.

My father used to drink two glasses of red wine on a daily base before going to sleep. He had a whole philosophy to support his, in our family not always appreciated, consumption mostly related to his blood. Truth, he reached the respectable age of ninety-three in good health.

Since youth I consume alcohol, mostly beer. Working in the hospitality branch and even having my own private pub was an invitation to start to drink a bit more but not too much. Starting to work in the south part of The Netherlands and getting more and more involved in all kind of social groups again was an invitation. Having at a certain moment a private driver and all kind of work related events again was offering a lower threshold to consume alcohol. No, never drunk but still.

Now, living here, not all this social groups but a much different (warmer) climate that invites me on a daily base to drink two beers in the evening. I just like it. No other reason. On the other hand I want to keep an eye on it (my will power) not to make any steps to a kind of addiction. And yes, that sentence of that magazine, holiday for the liver.

So no technical reason or real health reason or, some people even think, religious meaning. Nothing to do with Lent or Advent. Just two times a year six weeks totally off.

The first day my body reminds me time for a beer. But if I change by a soda water (yes a big shift) the next day already it is OK.

Sometimes I ask myself after the, thankful still easy six weeks break, why should I start again? Save the money. No I just like it. And I think, like my father showed, actually in this amount it is healthy. So, I go for it and hope to survive his age.


Gangey Gruma (Frans Captijn)

Captijn InsightCatalyst in developing tranquility & in-sight to get in a sustainable way real connection, purpose, pleasure and flow in life, love, family, business, career and work again.