We always keep talking of and about love. It’s hard to
give a definition of love especially if you live it. For all other purposes
it’s much easier.
Wikipedia describes love as "a variety of different emotional and mental states, typically strongly and positively experienced, that ranges from deepest interpersonal affection to simple pleasure.". And with this explanation actually you still do not know at all what love is.
Studying more about love in Buddhism and working with more and more guests in programs and sessions, I discovered many people (maybe even an increasing percentage in this and next generations) do not even understand what true love in live is and/or know how to live it. I want to be open and honest. I gave it several times a try myself and think I am still one of them who is on search for it as well. A one-night stand can be ‘simple pleasure’ as Wikipedia calls it, but is this (true) love…?
Wikipedia describes love as "a variety of different emotional and mental states, typically strongly and positively experienced, that ranges from deepest interpersonal affection to simple pleasure.". And with this explanation actually you still do not know at all what love is.
Studying more about love in Buddhism and working with more and more guests in programs and sessions, I discovered many people (maybe even an increasing percentage in this and next generations) do not even understand what true love in live is and/or know how to live it. I want to be open and honest. I gave it several times a try myself and think I am still one of them who is on search for it as well. A one-night stand can be ‘simple pleasure’ as Wikipedia calls it, but is this (true) love…?
I really think there are people who know and live true
love. People who reach very long and real ‘true love’ companionships or
marriages being (even more) happy together. Their gold, diamond or even
platinum wedding anniversaries (celebrations) sometimes even show up in local newspapers.
I am sure I will never show up with this anymore in
my/this lifetime although it was my intention.
Many people actually only think they know what true
love it is and start to live their interpretation of it and after a longer or
shorter period do not succeed in their relationship(s), like me so far.
Where do we learn love? Nature shows us and we learn
by example. We see and feel (or do not see and feel) the love between our
parents and in our family. Sometimes experiencing the differences of what we
saw and learned of love when we get a relationship and learn more about her or
his family life (and background of love within) a bit.
So we copy what we saw and think what is love in the
for us right way. Much of the way we live our love life, our love behavior, however
has to do with the negative experiences we got, saw and felt and do not want to
bring in our lives any longer. And many times just the opposite thing happens…
Our parents learned from their parents and so on.
Every person just gives love a try to make the best of it. Like rising
children. Where did you learn? Living love has a lot to do with trying not to
make the same ‘mistakes’ you already ever experienced and to reach a state of
love satisfaction we see in the world around us and offered by marketing. And if
we are honest to ourselves we discover and know many things in our behavior and
interpretation of our love life are deeply rooted and connected with our
personal desires. Not wanting to be lonely, need for attention, satisfy
ourselves and in several cultures even to satisfy parents. So a ‘desire driven’
love. And with this approach actually a kind of love already prepared to fail.
Don’t get me wrong. I do not blame my parents at all.
I got and felt more than enough love as well as their right intentions in my
life of them.
And what about loving yourself? I learned this is the
first and basic step in true love. Where do we learn? Lots of time only by
ourselves. Trial & error and ‘The Street University’ learning by doing or
sharing stories with our friends we trust and sometimes following their
‘advises’.
If you love yourself you take care of yourself in the
first place. Loving yourself is the fundamental of your loving relationships
with your life, with others and the World. Not an egoistic thing. Don’t be hard
on yourself, give up negative self-talk. Know just how unique, talented,
fabulous and powerful you are.
How to practice? Maybe the first step is to free
yourself of anything that is not good for your health (in relation to food, addictions,
negative people, things, situations, and everything that drew you down and away
from yourself).
True love…? True love? What’s true love?
Buddhism offers us the five mindfulness trainings. The
five mindfulness trainings represent the Buddhist vision for a global
spirituality and ethic. The third training of them is called true
love. A concrete expression of the Buddha’s teachings on the path of
right understanding and love. Leading to healing, transformation, and happiness
for ourselves and for the world.
It explains sexual desire is not love and sexual
activity motivated by desire always at a certain moment harms ourselves as well
as others. True love is much more than being only in love with your own and somebody else his or her body.
It motivates to durable learn appropriate ways to take
care of personal sexual energy and cultivating loving kindness, compassion, joy
and inclusiveness – which are the four basic elements of true love – for personal
greater happiness and the greater happiness of others. True love is something that help you to suffer
less. And help the other person to suffer less. True love is something that you
make you happy and the other person happy. True love can help you have more
freedom.
Practicing true love, it says, we know that we will
continue beautiful into the future.
So the four basic elements of true love as mentioned
in Buddhist teachings are:
- Cultivating loving kindness (Maitri). Maitri has the power to offer happiness. When you are able to generate a feeling of joy and happiness to you that’s true love. Offer to yourself. And if you can generate a feeling of joy and happiness in helping the other person generate a feeling of joy and happiness, that is loving kindness. So if you are a true lover, you create happiness for you, for him, for her.
- Compassion (Karuna). That is the capacity to make yourself suffer less, and the other person suffer less. It is the ability to understand the emotional states of another person or yourself not putting yourself in the other person’s place (in that case it’s called empathy).
- Joy (Mudita). If love does not generate joy every day it’s not love. If love make the other person cry every day it’s not love. If love make you suffer every day, that’s not true love. So true love is capable of generating joy for yourself and for the other person.
- Inclusiveness (Upeksha). Not excluding anyone is the fourth element of true love. And you begin with yourself and the other person. But if you continue with this practice of true love, your heart will open, grow, and very soon you will include all of us in your love. You do not exclude anyone, anything from your love. Including any living beings. No discrimination about race, citizenship, religion, or anything. And that is that element of non-discrimination, of inclusiveness, that make you feel very free, very happy. Make your love unlimited. And in true love you continue to grow. Your love continues to grow. Until it embraces everyone in the cosmos (connect. be inspired. be nourished.).
About true love there is still a lot to learn, to discover and to bring
into practice. To make progress. And… I know for sure I am not the only one.
Frans Captijn
Host / Catalyst / Talenteer at Captijn Insight
Captijn Insight: “Catalyst in your process to new sustainable flow in life, love, family, business, career and work. Whether you are an individual, couple, team or organization.”
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