Freedom in bond. Don't change yourself

I met my present wife over eight years ago, on-line, both using a dating app. 

Not a shame, in my opinion, to meet other people who are in search for a relationship this way. I am not a 'bar-type' and, knowing myself, I think for me it's not the right place to meet the right one for me here in this country. 

And indeed it's a bit hard to find people that are honest and with the right intentions on these platforms. But, a couple of them are there as well. 

Before I met Phatsamon, I dated with a couple of other ladies. Most short experiences. After three negative experiences for me it was enough and I wanted to give up. My children encouraged me to go on. 

Things you all share with each other in your profile and during chats on paper or during face-time online are nice as a 'starter'. To learn each other better you need to meet each other face-to-face soon after a good feeling on both sides. 

At the age of 61 (and Phatsamon 41) at that time you are not teenagers anymore, so soon after our first online 'distance' experiences we met in Chiang Mai.  

Dating in this culture, soon you discover for many Thai ladies, is all and nearly only about money. Once, very short, I met a lady (my third experience) who wrote me after only a couple of weeks: "Money first, love can grow later". Not my way of being happy to 'invest' in a further or deeper relationship. 

Another big thing here is jealousy. It seems to be totally normal and accepted but I cannot live with it. I got two experiences that ruined to go on learning each other better. Actually great because it brought me to Phatsamon. 

Especially I think at an older age, you cannot change yourself. You even need to ask yourself if it's good to ever do that for or in a relationship or for whatever reason else. Reason to write this blog. 

My insight is: A relationship need to be "Freedom in bond". 

When I express that during a conversation I always get the question to explain what the meaning for me of that sentence is. 

Once I heard that if two lonely a bit 'desperate' individuals find each other to have company to feel better, this never works out well to be more happy. 

You need to feel and be alone (all one) first. Loneliness is something else than being all-one. Ever thought about that? 

And indeed, being and feeling all-one can be lonely or many times but still...

Basically the meaning of all-one is you need to be stable and happy with yourself. You need to know yourself, your body, mind and if possible your mission, and yes you still can learn and discover more. You need to accept (love) yourself and able to take care of yourself in the first place. That's not an egoistic thing. 

Why not? 

Ask yourself, if you do not take care of yourself at the first first place to be healthy and happy, how it is possible to be there for another and share in the best possible way. 

So, if you are stable yourself in these things and you feel the time for you is there, you can start to open up and find another in the same situation. It secures energy draining. You both share and exchange inspiring energy without 'risk' of personal energy disturbance. Let's face it, you did not have the intention to get energy in return to 'heal' or recharge. 

Finding the 'right' one with the same intentions you start sharing  from two sides to each other. Seems to be romantic flow and be sure this does not work out this way at every moment but... in general this needs to be the fact. 

This all comes with trust and, years ago I talked about this already, you cannot trust for 99.9%. You trust or you don't trust. 99.9% trust is NO trust at all.

So, a relationship with jealousy, my opinion and experience, finally does not work. Better not to start with it. 

Many people think in a relationship you need to have the same interests, maybe even hobbies or sports and thoughts for the right match. I think it does not not make a relationship very exciting because you diminish exploring things. 

Having a different opinion about things, with respect to each other, makes the world wider and colorful. 

'Freedom in bond' in a relationship says together you are and trust the safe and stable shared harbor. Knowing that you are and feel still free to live the life you personally prefer although in respect to and being open to the other partner. 

My insight is this way of being and living together helps both partners to grow, explore, enjoy and reach higher levels of happines.

Frans Captijn (Gangey Gruma Báisjá)
Ban Na Sam, Na Bua, Mueang Surin, Surin, Thailand

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