Managing expectations. Do not make a compromise with yourself to please your environment.

For the third time in a period of not even one week I got guests on my path who are suffering about this question; “How to find a compromise with myself to live a life that is in line with the expectations of my parents or my environment?”. Actually this question makes me a little bit sad. So it’s an invitation to share my thoughts about it because for sure many women and men are suffering about the same thing and possibly it will give them some or another insight. Maybe a little bit a longer story than normal but... I hope it's worth reading it.

I am a parent myself, I have parents – and even now they are not physically around me anymore – I want to respect and to honor them for the rest of my life. They offered me life. But does this say I have to make, or my children have to make for themselves, a compromise to make myself happy?

Let’s first trust that parents and your environment out of their best intentions want the best for you. The voices in your head you hear about the thing you are suffering about are actually not your voices. It are the voices of your parents, ancestors, masters in life, friends, relationships, etc.. Voices you only think they express your intuition, your inner wisdom. But they are not. So actually you are having a fight or maybe even a war inside yourself between soul and thought.

You want to live your life and to make the choices in it to explore, to grow, to flourish, in a for you best suitable way. Without even knowing you are trying to find the best way for your soul to fulfill your personal mission. And being already far beyond the time of puberty you face you are still in it. You are rebelling and the child in the soul is giving you the impulses to explore - and actually to be happy - with that and who you really are. But… you do not want to hurt your love ones or people with expectations of you so… When your way does not fit them, you think the best option is to find a compromise.  

Be aware you are always of a different generation than your parents and most of the time also than people in your environment. Be aware culture, pride of family name and maybe even religious background have great impact in the way other generations think about the best way of living life and make it a merit. But life goes on, the world changes and people have to adapt to the ever changing situation called growth (even if you cannot see it as growth yet). There is no way back. Trying to keep everything the same will show to be a lost battle. Actually people who do not want to accept change do not accept growth.

Status and position, I know from my own parents, can be a big deal in the freedom people have to live the life they actually want to live. I think in nearly every culture, I see it around me with children at international schools, for parents it is nice to tell great stories about what their children already reached in life. It’s all of positive stories so the parents can feel proud and show the world around they are proud. And yes, this can be a nice thing. But is does not have to ruin a life to go on with a lot of times a show still called life. Smiling on the picture on social media but actually poor inside.

Status and position have to do with the outside show and do not anymore, if they already did, show real happiness, well-being and living in connection with life and purpose. They are worldly soulless feelings invented by our society and culture to make us productive and controllable. 

A compromise between that what you really want and the expectations of the world around you does not exist. What you do is you are not serving yourself and not serving your parents and/or environment in the best possible way. There is nothing wrong to work on personal well-being and happiness first. It is not an egoistic thing. When you do not take care of yourself in the first place (and this is not in relation to materialistic things) you cannot be there for the world around you for your full 100%.

Parents have to understand that their children are not their children. They come through them but they do not belong to them. They may house their bodies but not their souls (a saying of Khalil Gibran I started to understand and live about six years ago). When you do not start to love yourself in the first place and to make yourself happy, how can you share your energy and how can you ever fulfill that what is the meaning of your life.

Your underlying intention is not to hurt your parents or environment. So making the choice of a compromise does say at the long term you make yourself and your environment sustainable not happy. So you only create more ‘victims’ by not being straight and clear to yourself.

When you are in a transition in life, you are in front of a threshold you have to pass. It’s called; in for a change. Not passing this threshold will hurt you more and more. Sometimes even so much that you become physically sick. Passing this threshold is accepting the change and go with your flow.

You start your personal heroes journey and yes, ‘friends’ and relatives maybe do not understand (yet) your choices. It has to be the respect from them to you to keep the door always open when there is unconditional underlying love. If the door will be closed (for ever or hopefully only for a while) it is a sad decision but still it is their decision and only your choice to live your life. Again, it is not your intention to hurt them.

When people make the choice not to be your friends anymore because of your choices how you want to live life or even do not support you anymore, you can see it as a challenge. First of all try not to hold on for too long time. Accept the emotion but do not start to hurt yourself. Accept it is better to let go because you create space for something new that is already waiting for you (but you just do not see yet).

The second thing, let it be a challenge to proof your way of living life gives not only you but also the world around real happiness out of yourself. Be the example, bring the change, be the change. Share what you have to share because the world is waiting for it (but maybe you are not at the right place yet). At the long run it will make even the people who had other expectations for you in mind happy. Not to please now possibly makes more happy finally.

What is success for you, what is success for the world around you? Happiness.

You are a free living human being with a task to fulfill. Listen to your inner source. Connect with silence. Follow your path. Your life cannot go wrong. There is nothing to manage, nothing to attain, no agenda, only to live. 

Frans Captijn
Host / Catalyst / Talenteer at Captijn Insight

Captijn Insight: “Catalyst in your process to new sustainable flow in life and work. Whether you are an individual, couple, team or an organization.” 

www.captijninsight.com

captijninsight@gmail.com