Trust your life. The insight lesson not to worry about it.

After a period of even more than seven years and three months, end of May this year, I finally sold my house in The Netherlands. An enormous financial loss and also a 'Golden' profit.

After the process to get an accepted promissory sales contract both signed, I shook my fur, got silent for a while and tried to feel what actually had happened. I got emotional and could not explain why I did not feel anything. This feeling was completely wired. A ‘burden’ sometimes conscious, sometimes unconscious, I carried for over seven years on my back. That part of not being able to sell it and to finish one of my history books in life felt dark. 

Not having to carry this ‘load’ any longer, at the beginning absolutely did not feel as an enlightenment.

This moment is already a couple of weeks ago now. What can I learn from it? What is the mirror for me? Why was it I carried this burden for over seven years, disturbing my life with concern and disruption? Why am I only now experiencing this "golden" profit? I did not have to wait for that moment.

I like to share my personal experiences and who knows you recognize something and can learn from it.

The first thing that came up into my mind was that I wondered what made me really insecure in my life. I started blaming everything and everyone. The economic crisis, real estate agent(s), advertising and marketing texts, the condition of the house (which first was furnished, than needed to be empty and redecorated, and afterwards got the advice to redesigning in a different style again), etc. etc .. And I think this first blaming ‘the outside world’ attitude has to do with a lot of things like money, health, work, career, family and love.

You always tell yourself it's because of your outside world that not supports you. Actually this is great nonsense.

If you look deeper into things as 'uncertainty' and 'concern' they have everything to do with emotion. Emotion is always only connected with and is to find within yourself. Other people deal with the same situation(s) often very different. Therefore you have to understand that they are carrying lots of times much less – or not at all a - ‘burden’ on their back in a similar situation than you.

Uncertainty and anxiety therefore is solely available in your head and nowhere else. The inner voice (although not actually your inner voice) tells you all this stories formed in your past. It has all to do with your lifestyle. Buddhism explains lifestyle as the way you, out of your unique programming, respond to situations.

So this then raises the question to discover this programming from the past that is the cause of this emotions.

Without even knowing or being aware I have been taught. But first let me add the statement I do not blame at all my parents and ancestors for it. In my opinion I had a wonderful youth and got a great ‘management support’ from them. Thankful for that. But it is time this has to stop now. Yet in my experience the ‘key’ is there.

I am the youngest of a family of five children. If my parents had a quarrel together it turned out it always was about money. My dad worked very hard earning money to support family life. My mother lived the habit of spending more money than my father could earn raising the children. She was the kind of ‘super hen’ who overwhelmingly took care of her chicks. My father started to work harder (longer) to earn more money as a result, he was less at home. The next item for a quarrel was born and it gave my mother the opportunity to spend even more on... yes their children. Comical if I write it.

And my father, no wonder looking back deeper into his youth, inside himself already had that fear of being in debts. He learned it being a very young child. His father had a painting firm. A family of nine children when my grandpa got an accident and died thereto. There need to be money for my grandma to go on raising the family and the business. So all the family members had to contribute to save the family from let’s say destruction. So you can see how a ‘seed’, an experience of the past, is still working on – growing and spreading - till now in my life (and already the life of my children again). Not a bad thing but bad when it is fulfilling an undesirable role of worrying and causing feelings of cramp.  

Those arguments at home about money have yielded me a kind of fear syndrome in connection with the corresponding subconscious emotions. The voice in my mind is not my own voice but in fact are the voices of my parents and grandparents and maybe their parents again.

After my divorce I had to pay for a period of fourteen and a half years a significant monthly financial contribution. It costs me, not in relation to our children, moreover a lot of difficulties. What did I do? Of course, work harder. Study more. Ascend into the ranks of the fire service because (also) it deserved more. What happened? Back to court because there might be a possibility to pay more alimony. Strange that I only now discover. I tried to fight my fear and uncertainty by seeking solutions in my outer world. Exactly the same pattern I had been taught. The result... eventually I got a very serious burn-out.

And finally, lucky for me and many others, this seemed to be the "gold" that I can and may experience now Thailand. And yes yet the sense of liberation, getting the insight of the "gold" that I am finally free from a piece of history. And as a consequence, in two ways. On the one hand I can close this book and totally can focus on now, my mission. On the other hand, much more valuable gold, the experience that I only did this myself to myself. I was not able to see my programming and was attached and clinging to the past.

How to react / respond in a different way?

In my opinion again nature provides a large portion of in-sight. Nature, animals, flowers, etc., are blessed above humans that they have no concepts in their minds about the future. They have no voices of others or of their culture or religion in their heads. They're absolutely do not worry about what others think of it all. They just simply are and do.

It is much, much easier - instead of trying to change your outside world - to firmly examine your programming and find people who respond totally different (less stressed, anxious, worried) in a same situation as you. You solve your ‘problem’ in your head much easier and faster if you are first of all aware of your programming and after that change a part. I did not have to carry for over seven years that concern. It was my own choice, now is my insight. Ther always was light but I did not see it, I did not trust it. 

How could I have turned the switch, because yes in my opinion it’s really a switch? By trusting myself and the powers that are supporting me even more.  

I am 59 years old now. I worried a lot about work and family in my life (and who does not?). I am still alive and somehow I dealt with all kind of, sometimes even tricky situations, in my life. I can make the choice to worry a lot about what tomorrow, the day after tomorrow, next week, month or year can happen to me or my family. But, so far my (and everybody’s) life lesson is, I actually already know that I can and will deal with whatever will happen to me and comes on my path. And yes this possibly can be very difficult but with my inner resources and support that I have I can and will manage. Worrying about this now makes me mad. Buddhism teaches that also tomorrow there will be trouble but tomorrow now can take care of itself.

If other people with their way of dealing have become happier or will be happier in the future is not to me. It’s only their own choice and accountability.

I only now can respond to things that happen to me now and should be assured after 59 years I can manage it. If I have or should change something now, my experience taught me that I always can rely and get the resources and energy in order to deal with it.

Now I know this worrying was a waste of time, effort, energy and a disturbance of my engagement with fulfilling my mission in life. I worried about the future. I was anxious about it. I was more and more unhappy about it. But that worrying did not help me at all to solve my ‘problem’. It only helped me to reduce the happiness every time I connected with that sad idea. It had all to do with past bad experiences. An attachment to the past. Clinging to the past. Not enough learning from the past and inadequate trusting myself and the forces that use me to go on with what I have to do in life.

I hope I've learned my lesson. I did not need to worry about my life. As for the 'golden' profits? I finally closed a book off the passed (I got the insight I could have closed much earlier). I can and will even be more available to do what I have to do here. Being available to serve as a catalyst in the process to new sustainable flow in life, love, family, career and work. Growing by sharing.

Frans Captijn
Host / Catalyst / Talenteer at Captijn Insight

Captijn Insight: “Catalyst in your process to new sustainable flow in life and work. Whether you are an individual, couple, team or an organization.” 

www.captijninsight.com

captijninsight@gmail.com