As long as you both shall live and/or as long as love stimulates bond and growth? Being happy in your relationship.

I was married in my life once. Proud our two children out of love are born out of that relationship. After nine years of marriage, in spite of trying everything to stay more happily together, we decided to quit our bond. A very unpleasant emotional time and lots of personal and legal issues to solve. For a period of two years I did not dare to touch any woman. The ‘waves’ needed time to heave down to. Now I know you cannot force that process. Happy that period in my life passed.

If I look back on my life so far now, I face a couple of shorter and longer lasting relationships. Many people cannot understand or accept this from me. Certainly not in relation to my religious background and social functions and positions that I ever held in the Netherlands and in the world. Sayings as: “You do not 'do' this kind of things. It’s not right to live this kind of life. You do not make the choices to live life this way. Your parents showed you the other (the right?) way.”

As of my life experiences I dare to say that “this things” that happened in my life have nothing to do with a willing or intention to ‘do’. Believe it or not, it never ever was my intention to divorce the woman I intensely loved and got our two children. My intention at the time of marriage literally was ‘to love and honor each other for as long as we both shall live’ as mentioned in celebration of matrimony.

As last born child in our family of five children, at the time we both as a couple started thinking of the idea of getting married, we both had wonderful examples of how a stable marriage looked like. It seemed my two brothers and two sisters showed and paved the way. After nine years I could not persevere in clinging on my sincere intentions and even promise I made. Not an easy decision and an misery in regard to both our personal emotions, Dutch law as well as my religion/faith. But I found a way to go on living without suffering about our decision any longer. But this blog is not about that.

This blog is about being happy in a relationship with another person (whatever gender). As long as you both shall live or until the time love is not strong enough any longer to connect and/or prevent you in your personal (and joint) development, fulfilling your life mission and your personal and mutual growth. And, of course, immediately the thought can arise that this is a very egoistic and very selfish and self-centred approach.

I invite you to wait with this abrupt labelling and use the inner impulse to do to be curious and with an open mind just to explore more. Not to change your mind or meaning but just to face (and possibly to respect) different possible approaches as a wider truth.

I'm different, from another generation and ‘newer time’ than my older siblings as I recently heard from my eldest brother. And in my eyes that's a valid expression and explanation. In addition, I tried to discover more into the philosophy of deeper meanings and goals of having a relationship. I also live for five years already in a culture that invites me to take the time to be more curious, look wider and deeper. This offers me the opportunity to shine a new light on themes as life mission, personal and mutual growth and development, karma (action), and mainly on the underlying intentions.

More and more I discovered that love primarily is about the relationship you have with yourself. You're the one who live 24 hours a day with yourself together. Do you really know and understand yourself? Do you spend enough time on yourself (not only the outside ‘look’ and your physical body, but also the inside and understanding for instance how your mind works)? Do you know your mission, your purpose? Are you alone (All-one) or feeling lonely? What lifestyle do you really want to live (see lifestyle as the way you respond to things happening in your life)? Are you happy with yourself?

The answers on this questions to myself, the insights and the attention to myself offered me in my opinion enormous growth and development. Mind you, I'm not telling that I could not have had this experience and development in an ongoing relationship with one person. I just do not have that experience and it worked out this way for me.

My relationships after my marriage, although I had imagined never to be ‘different’, worked out not to be like “as long as you both shall live”. They turned into “as long as love stimulates bond and growth”.  I do not see myself in my relationships as a kind of playboy and person that persistently have the intention to make other people unhappy or want to harm somebody. My life and relationships turned out to be just different. A relationship is something you need to give time, attention and air. My last long relationship was even nearly one and a half times longer than the period I was married.

For sure, and again, for many people in my outside world I possibly do not follow the “regular accepted pattern” living my way of loving. I have to accept for instance the direct labelling about possible differences in age between me and my partner other people do. For me it’s a looking deeper than ‘just’ and only difference in age. In my opinion there is so much more like for instance life experiences, connection and understanding level/background, willingness to sustainably understand, to explore and to learn from each other and face-to-face communication (genuine personal connection), balanced life, respect, and having real quality time for each other. This are all items that make it so easy for other people - who are not willing to take some time to only be curious in a different way and understand - to label.

It is not your partner’s responsibility, I learned, to make you happy (and the other way around). It’s always and always will be your own responsibility. And if your own happiness and love for yourself is overflowing you can share that happiness and love with the one you love.

If the closeness in a relationship at any time for a longer period of time is disturbed, and – willing to work on that together - you both do not succeed to bring new flow in it, I see it as responsibility from both to grant each other a new opportunity to get love and development. To me that certainly is not a kind of ‘dump’ or ‘drop as garbage’, knowing however my ‘outside world’ and sometimes even a former partner grasps it like that.

Having a relationship for me is not a kind of 'hop-on hop-off bus’ at all. In reality it is still all about sharing love, respect and happiness (in relation to my understanding of this words). I don’t see a partner as a kind of ‘toy’. Too much and too often I see with my own eyes at the place where I live, hear from my children, and see at social media ‘girls’ (sorry but I do not call them ‘ladies’ in friendship and relations to this item any more) being used (or willing to be used) like that.

Working here with people from all different backgrounds and cultures, I found many people feel trapped or even ‘dead’ in their relationship. Having nothing to say and to share anymore. Are even hiding in their relation or found another ‘outside’ lover showing the world on social media as couple they are still so happy and in love together. No growth, no development, actually no love anymore and yes still staying together. Underlining they are from a different generation with that for me. Not having the guts to make each other happy again by finding a suitable way to let go.

If love, whatever is the understanding of that word by different generations, becomes an outside show without any driving force or spirit within, you can ask yourself if and how you respect your partner. What kind of feeling (so no love anymore) you grant your partner and yourself.

For me, the relationship I have and feel now, out of commitment and both our feeling, may go on for ever. Be aware this is not our goal. Living respecting and enjoying your love by the day without a goal to reach in the future, you reach a destination, the next step, every day.

And if my family, my environment, the world around me will or can accept… It’s just and only their choice and my/our choice to live the life and love, the freedom in bond, we want.

Frans Captijn

Host / Catalyst / Talenteer at Captijn Insight

Captijn Insight: “Catalyst in your process to new sustainable flow in life and work. Whether you are an individual, couple, team or an organization.” 

www.captijninsight.com

captijninsight@gmail.com