Attention, popularity and approval. I feel lonely and in my relationship I am jealous and feel not too happy.

Last week from a former Dutch colleague I got a message about a research into the use of ‘social’ media. For me the article hit the nail on the head. And in the city and the Asian culture where I live now it hit the nail even harder. An invitation to reflect and share some personal thoughts. Maybe some the same, maybe some as addition about this theme.

For me it seems for many people getting lots of ‘likes’ on things they post on the social media give them a kind of satisfaction. They strive to get more and more ‘friends’ feeling they increase their ‘popularity’. In return they ‘like’ everything they see from their contacts. If they really like it or not.

I know people who already have a couple of thousands ‘friends’. Just thinking about that makes me tired and busy in my head. Dealing for instance with, in general, about 10 or more birthdays a day gives a lot of work to do if you want to show a bit ‘personal’ attention and connection. After all you want to stay ‘friends’. You almost need at least two IPhones to handle. And yes, I discovered some people have. At least here.  

On the other hand it hides something very delicate. You never have to be a single evening alone. If your friends live nearby you can visit 10 birthday parties every evening. However, you will almost need a private driver for it but at least you are very busy bringing flash-visits.

And visiting them you immediately can take happy selfies with your friend, post where you are and tell the next ‘birthday candidate friend’ you are on your way to visit him or her. Surprise!

I even ask myself if it’s still possible to connect with your work at all. After all you are so busy. Visiting several public places and several real fantastic shopping malls here in the city, shows me most of the shop assistants are only there (not even aware they are there). They are not at all involved or connected with their tasks (to help/ advise customers, exchange in relation to the customers quest the best possible solutions and to sell). They are only connected with their IPhone. Afraid to connect face-to-face it seems (or possibly really is). Real contact makes the new generation scary.
Even temporary ‘Hot sales’ events, like BMW a couple of month ago in our big Central Airport Plaza shopping center, shows 9 ‘salesman’ / ‘saleswoman’ not at all connected with their task. It seems to be quite ‘normal’ not to connect with possible customers. IPhones were calling... Truly a fantastic (bizarre) ‘Business Card’ for this brand (and this is just one example. There are dozens more of them). Stay at home! And… be happy I’m not your boss. 

More and more people, in an ongoing stream, post sparkling radiant selfies. Living in Chiang Mai, Thailand, and sitting for a while near the Tha Phae Gate of the old city is one of the places day and night you can see this phenomenon. It is really sometimes to laugh. People nearly stumbling with their selfie stick over the pigeons. And couples with their IPhone, selfie stick or whatever else, doing exactly the same. The picture in this blog I really made within one minute being there. And watch the real happiness on the face of the boyfriend.

The most wonderful thing to see there watching this 'Selfie people'? Immediately after they made there number ? selfie the bright smile is gone again showing the real mood. Sitting there for a while is an entertaining experience of unreal life shows.  

Do they want to show how beautiful the are? What's beautiful? Ever tried to describe that word 'beautiful'? And yes, easy to say, it's the opposite of 'ugly'. And how to describe 'ugly'? If you need lots of cosmetics to hide (only) your external real beauty - so to shine for the outside world being a different 'bright shining' you - what about beauty? What about you? You show the world you are not happy and satisfied with the person you are. 
Beautiful? It's just and only in your mind and created by marketing hired by industries who want to earn money on you. Everybody is beautiful. Just a matter of natural taste and personal attraction. And yes, I like just that little touch to attract peoples wonderful eyes, mirrors of the soul.  

Research, there is a lot to find on the internet already, learns that most of the people posting in an ongoing stream selfies feel lonely. Even possibly having thousands of ‘friends’. It’s just an ongoing scream for getting attention.

Couples, especially the ladies of the team, showing their ongoing smiling relationship pictures and moods on the ‘social’ media are not really happy. Very often this has everything to do with jealousy, possessiveness (clinging) and obtain some form of approval from the outside world. The approval that they, as a couple, fit into the "ideal picture". A kind of idealistic thought lots of them have of being ‘complete’ the white picket fence dreamlike, suburban bliss? They/we only created this kind of thoughts in their/our mind that this is the socially accepted value. Trying to follow and strive to be in this pattern as well. And if a sudden break in the relationship appears, all the ‘friends’ react they never ever even imagined this couple should ever give up… They were an example! An example of how fantastic they succeeded (And sad to say, don’t get me wrong, with lots of personal suffering, misery and family damage), in only the show of different appearances on the outside. A show for asking the outside world for approval.

One of the reports I found about this says:

“If people are happy and feel free in a relationship they live in the here and now. Researchers have found that those who don’t use social media are on the whole happier than those who do because they don’t constantly compare themselves with their colleagues and friends — all of whom always only appear to be somehow better or happier on the outside. We too often forget that all that matters are our real lives, our relationships, our experiences, and our feelings — and not the endless search for attention, popularity and approval online.”

Something perhaps to ponder about for a while. For me at least an impulse to avoid and switch off my ‘social’ media more and more. Only twice a day a short check. Still happy not to have an IPhone or tablet. It gives me the opportunity to really connect with my (only a handful of real) friends and the wonderful colleagues I am able to work with. Technology is just a tool. Not the purpose. The purpose is always conversation and change offline, face-to-face in engaged connection. 

Feeling lonely? Maybe turn it into an allowing yourself to be alone first. It’s called being All One. The rest will come on its own time. Just by being willing to reclaim conversation. The essence of society. Meeting each other.

Frans Captijn

Host / Catalyst / Talenteer at Captijn Insight

Captijn Insight: “Catalyst in your process to new sustainable flow in life and work. Whether you are an individual, couple, team or an organization.” 

www.captijninsight.com

captijninsight@gmail.com