Friday, January 27, 2017

A relationship does not make you happier

At first sight this might be a bit a 'blunt' statement. Try to be very, very honest to yourself... If you recognize something in it (or in relation to your neighbors) feel invited to read on. 
Absolutely no recognition? Congratulations! You can be proud to be part of a select group who indeed found that extra luck. So skip this time reading my blog and go on enjoying a happier life being together. 

Like me, you probably recognize sometimes all this kind of coincidences. And you can ask yourself is this coincidence or is there something to learn?
Last week, during my work, I watched again a presentation of Nick Vujicic (The Australian man without arms and legs). This time a keynote speech in relation to achieving goals. Again, I had to laugh loud hearing one of his statements towards his audience.

“My estimation is that most of you have been married at one stage of your life. And you know, you see all this teenagers and college people who are single and they’re like: “Oh, I just can’t wait to get married”. And their goal is to get married. And if they get there it’s not all that they thought. They think: “O my live’s gonna get easier when I get married. Nu-uh! Any married person will go up to them and say, “Honey if you ain’t happy single, you ain’t gona be happy married.” Can you hear an amen? All say “Amen”. And Nick responded: “See those are the married people”.

That same day, during my studies I got an explanation of my teacher on the same subject. And in the evening I picked, at random, a story to prepare a morning session from my workbook - believe it or not – about being or not being more happy in a relationship.

Many single people are looking forward to, or in search for, a partner. That would give a feeling of being ‘complete'. On the other hand, those who are in a relationship and do not like it anymore are on search or looking forward to their freedom or being single and their selves again.
Previously, much more than now, couples stayed together. Nowadays people recognize that if, despite trying many things to get things in their relationship better, for whatever reason or disturbance they –as individuals and as couple - cannot grow anymore, it might be better to decide to take a different and individual new course to flow again.

Based on (2014) statistics from the United Nations (United Nations, Department of Economic and Social Affairs) figures indicate at that time an average global "Divorce - Marriage - Ratio" of 43%. On top that period Belgium with 71% followed by the USA (53%) and Russia (51%).
All couples who decided not to proceed in their marriage. Ultimately it manifested being together in their relationship did not bring them any higher value or higher happiness any more. This figures talk only about married people so only as a part of all kind of relationships in general. Obviously there are also lots of couples not at all really happy anymore with each other and with their relationship that remain together whatsoever reason. They just ‘accept’ (not really accepting) the grown situation for that what it is and carry it as a burden on their back. Financial reasons, responsibilities (some only pretended), fear, and still in charge of the pretended expectations of the outside world. Sometimes I ask myself in relation to this expectations, did you really ask? It’s only something you created in your mind.
And of course, let's face it, fortunately there are also couples who are real sparkling and bright shining being together in their relationship. And maybe this blog is just about them.

Osho writes in his book ‘The Search, Find your inner power, your potential’:
“A very intricate, complex thing that has to be understood: if you are not in love, you are lonely. If you are in love, really in love, you become alone.

Loneliness is sadness; aloneness is not sadness. Loneliness is a feeling of incompleteness. You need someone and the needed one is not available. Loneliness is darkness, with no light in it. A dark house, waiting and waiting for someone to come and kindle the light.

Aloneness is not loneliness. Aloneness means the feeling that you are complete (all-one). Nobody is needed, you are enough. And this happens in love. Lovers become alone – through love you touch your inner completeness. Love makes you complete. Lovers share each other, but that is not their need, that is their overflowing energy.

Two persons who have been feeling lonely can make a contract, can come together. They are not lovers, remember. They remain lonely. Now because of the presence of the other, they don’t feel the loneliness – that’s all. They somehow mislead themselves. Their love is nothing but a trick to mislead oneself: and the world around showing I am not lonely – somebody else is here. When two basically lonely persons are meeting, their loneliness is doubled, or even multiplied. That’s what happens ordinarily.

How can two lonelinesses coming together become completion, totality? Not possible.
By the time the honeymoon is finished, the marriage is also finished. It is very temporary. It is just an illusion.

Real love is not a search to go against loneliness. Real love is to transform loneliness into aloneness. To help the other – if you love the person, you help him to be alone. You don’t fill him or her. You don’t try to complete the other in some way by your presence. You help the other to be alone, to be so full out of her or his own being that you will not be a need.”

My teacher of an International Buddhist University in China, online, told during his lecture that the majority does not feel happier because of their relationship. On the contrary relationships, after a first happy start - and most of the time stimulated by the normal natural and biological impulses if people feel attracted to each other – sooner or later face personal restrictions and suffering. Partners in many relationships step by step and more and more feel lonely. Not understood, discouraged or even hindered in personal development and growth. Afterwards it showed up to them they had different expectations. Lots of times they only create their expectations afterwards. Because they do not feel happy in their relationship anymore they start to think (and feel) about it. At that time they start thinking about (or creating) their expectations. They realize they basically too much adapted and restricted themselves. And again in retrospection, they now feel this happened against their will.

If you adapt yourself – against who you actual are and want or maybe to life your mission need to be – at a certain moment you have to face a kind of inner revenge. Because all this adapting limited both partners in growing and sharing their uniqueness. Not only they caused harm to themselves as an individual but also their partner / family. The relation formed a routine. A downward spiral in personal growth and development of each individual and the relationship.

And he as well noted that the first step to do is to learn to be happy with yourself, you need to feel free and have unconditional love for yourself. You're the one who lives 24 hours with yourself a day. And un-conditional love to yourself means you do not want to depend on or depend on anyone else to have bliss and success. It’s only yourself. If you succeed in that, to get in addition something even more is not needed but can be felt as a nice bonus.

If that unconditional love and the recognition of yourself starts to overflow, and you cannot hide radiating that energy in all directions, you have a free choice in how to share that surplus to and with others. At that moment you are one with yourself and experience yourself as a part and connected with everything and everyone. There is no need for a specific love affair with another person. It’s only an option. Possibly is only disturbs that process in the long run.

Whatever the choice and way, you should always remain alert to yourself not to sag that basic personal level of completeness and unconditional love for yourself first.
Isn’t that a bit selfish? If you would go for less, how can you be there for others in optimal forma?  And perhaps that is what the people who actually experience they make each other real sustainable happier being in a relationship, have. They are and remain, first for themselves, continue to feel free in their relationship, enjoy mutual and collective growth and take steps forward in a natural way together where they both feel 100% connected and satisfied.

A day again with quite a few approaches to gain insights. Maybe by reading this blog not just only for me.

Being all-one. Single or in a relationship? A relationship for sure does not have to make you happier ...
The first step is to be there, to be available for- and happy with - yourself. So you can share from your own abundance, in freedom to the world around, your uniqueness in an optimal way. 
Nothing selfish and perhaps there still is a lot to do.

Frans Captijn
Host / Catalyst / Talenteer at Captijn Insight

Captijn Insight“Catalyst in your process to new sustainable flow in life and work. Whether you are an individual, couple, team or an organization.”

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