Autonomy: Withdraw peoples autonomy and they become depressed. A survey of my life living over five years abroad now.

I help a friend in the Netherlands with developing a course "Sleep better within five weeks". It’s a great experience and opportunity to share things with each other and to go deeper, to discover more, about and into yourself.

In response to a dialogue about the meaning of life he noted:

"Another completion to life purpose is that human beings have two basic needs:

1. Being part of a group

2. Prestige within this group.

Autonomy: withdraws peoples autonomy and they become depressed."

And looking back on living and working here in Thailand for over five years now, I feel connected with and recognize more and more that last sentence. My autonomy…

I am in a process of embracing that autonomy more and more. Doing that I take more and more distance and say goodbye to all kind of “groups”. And it is visible I am doing this. Except LinkedIn no social media ‘friends-connections’ anymore. The uniform I've ever worn has changed a lot, and also if you see what I still keep (need) in my house or what belongs to me (all temporarily too). No more car, no personal driver, no luxury (although maybe in a different way I still have), no closets full of suits, shirts and ties or all kind of different pairs of leather Floris van Bommel (brand) shoes ...

Shorts. Some of them even with holes in it. Slippers. Shirts that I would never really wear in the Netherlands because of my job and because they are sometimes even broken. My thought changed in "It’s still possible to wear". Not to save money but because it not necessary to throw them away yet.

I can and may be myself without any outside show or expectations (to be honest I created in my own mind).

What I like more and more in my life, I yesterday spoke about it with my German neighbor, are the wonderful guests walking in and out of my life. I am open and willing to connect intensively and deeply for the period they stay with us here. To listen to their life story’s, and after their visit to let go. In full inner belief that we did not mixed up ‘for nothing’ but it brought something for all of us including me. Insight, flow and growth. I call it 'Street University of Life'. And yes many new ‘friendships’ and long lasting connections show up. All without any ‘clinging’. I've lost the "clinging". Everybody is responsible for his or her own life. And the first thing to do is to keep peace of mind (happiness) myself so I can be available in the best possible way to fulfill my mission (to others).  

If possible no routine any longer or at least as less as possible. To open up for what’s waiting to show up during a day and what people (connections) bring. And maybe that can be seen as a new routine. However ... unpredictable and free. Intense, innovative, creative, challenging, enough time, rest, growth, respect, deeper holistic connection, playfulness, authenticity, nature and even affection.

More and more freedom from all mind constructs, from all mind games; freedom from all structures, freedom from the other / freedom in connection. No discipline. When there is no discipline, when there is no enforced order, a totally different kind of order arises in you. For me it is an experience of arising of more and more access to insight. It just happens. It is simply creating space for new things to come and fall and flow into place. 

And if I look deeper into this, I do not think it's even possible for me to walk this life-path in good health without that ongoing changing diet for growth etc. Life feels wonderful and more meaningful to me because of short intense contacts and, above all, that autonomy.

That autonomy for me is so powerful that I do not really feel the two mentioned ‘basic needs’ anymore. Or at least do not feel that needs as I experienced before in my life.

I feel less and less the need of any emotional connection in any group. Maybe because it can be an attack on my autonomy I am just discovering more and more. Actually what a strange new experience ...

And of course I know that I still belong to many groups. As still being Dutch, belong to the 'group' Dutch people in Thailand, to the 'group' people who live in Mae Rim, etc .. But to express I feel a real good group member? I don’t think so.

It even plays a role for me in personal relationships and in my family life. It first encloses working on being and staying 'All - one'. And for me, again, that’s not selfish. In a holistic way (body, mind, emotions, spirituality, and energy balance in relation to your environment) in good health and balance to be there for others in the best suitable way. Freedom in connection or freedom in bond, I call it regularly. And it's more than amazing to actually get that back as a mirror from my two children. Freedom in union initiated by a basic respect and trust towards each other. I wrote about it a little while ago in relation to my daughter (http://captijninsightthailand.blogspot.com/2017/08/live-without-aim-accept-your-life-as.html).

That five years so far, this first lustrum, is an experience and invitation to go on living this way and explore even more about Living life. An invitation not to go back to my country of birth.

And when I sent this message to my friend, his send me this response again in return:

Frans, you make me something clear I can understand completely. How important autonomy is to you.

In your description of your personal vision on autonomy and membership to a group, this came up in me. It's not the connection with the group, but the judgmental character and the commitments to the group you made yourself free from. Living your autonomy learned you to connect and let go. The way you describe this, it seems like balance between day and night and the changing of seasons. Living your autonomy more and more this way you experience the rhythm of pure life, in which you are completely who you really are and what was not accepted or appreciated several times by others, the group. The regular judgmental character and the commitments to the group raises resistance in you.

The distance, now, has become so far both figurative and literal, that it seems unbridgeable..

Don’t forget and keep in mind that some people here seek that connection with you without obligations and judgments. Out of pure love to you as the man you are. A personality, authentic Frans, who they have made part in their hearts. Perhaps they form a small group you are part of. A group without a judgmental character and obligations.

And this answer touched me deeply. And this reaction touched me. The nail right on the head. Freedom in connection. Thankful and grateful for the life that I may and can live.

Frans Captijn

Host / Catalyst / Talenteer at Captijn Insight

Captijn Insight: “Catalyst in your process to new sustainable flow in life, love, family, business, career and work. Whether you are an individual, couple, team or organization.” 

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