The effect of our always wrong perceptions. Ask yourself: “Am I sure?” and sleep better.

We act on the basis of wrong perceptions nearly all the time. Our thoughts are related to three things.

1. Things we really see, hear, feel, smell or taste. 
2. Things we only create in our mind, our illusions. 
3. Things in between reality and illusions.

Our response has to do with our life experiences and programming. We respond out of a kind of toolbox of 51 mental factors. You can see as a kind of main 'response emotions'. Only 11 of them are wholesome. 26 unwholesome and 14 neutral. In our lives actually we are used to mainly respond out of the 26 unwholesome emotions.

When we see a person walking in the street, or a new colleague at our work often our first response in our mind is negative. We immediately start with labeling. The man for instance is too fat, his or her clothes are overdone, the lipstick of the woman is too red, too much make-up, etc.. Our response, over all, is more unwholesome, negative than positive, contributing. Without even being aware we are trained to do this.

Things we really see, hear, smell, taste or feel are real for us. Most of the time they are part of a bigger reality we are not aware of yet. So our perceptions are made out of that what we see and often are not totally right or totally complete. When you look at a beautiful sunset, you may be quite sure that you are seeing the sun as it is in that moment. A scientist will tell you that the image of the sun that you see is the image of the sun from eight minutes ago. Sunlight takes eight minutes to reach the earth from such a long distance.

Illusions are not true. Our mind does not know or understand the difference between true or not true information. It starts creating all kind of solutions basically to help us to stay safe and to survive. The same is happening with things in between ‘reality’ and illusion.

An example. A man, still in love with his wife, whose wife for a couple of weeks is at work abroad had a short Skype-call with her at the moment she seemed to be in a restaurant. He discovered she was very happy having a dinner with a stranger, another man. Her husband did not wanted to disturb her dinner so told her he would call her back the next day. During the evening and night he created all kind of stories in his mind. About their relationship, what she was doing the rest of that evening and night, what made her so happy having dinner with that man, etc.. The next day he heard from his wife it was the husband of her female colleague. They were so kind to invite her for dinner at that restaurant and she did not have the time to tell her husband because of his short call. At the moment he called her, her colleague just was paying the bill at the counter of the restaurant.

Our perceptions habitually are wrong. Our responses are unwholesome. Together they even accumulate our feeling of suffering. Consuming lots of energy, make us feel miserable, not trusting ourselves anymore, and even creating insomnia.

We have to be very careful with our perceptions, otherwise we will feel pain. A helpful thing is to make a note and put it on the mirror in the bathroom with: “Are you sure?” and: “Even if you are sure, check again!”

Often we have hurt ourselves, we created a hell for ourselves and our beloved ones because of our perceptions. Are you sure of your perception?

When you are angry, and you feel pain, try to take some distance and inspect (look deeply) in the role of third person, observer, the content, the nature of your perceptions. Your programming, your reflections, your reality (instead of the reality), your response (out of personal hurt, jealousy or whatever else).

If you are capable of removing or changing the wrong perception, peace and happiness will be restored in you, and you will be able to love and connect in a better and right way with other people again.

Frans Captijn

Host / Catalyst / Talenteer at Captijn Insight

Captijn Insight: “Catalyst in your process to new sustainable flow in life and work. Whether you are an individual, couple, team or an organization.” 

www.captijninsight.com

captijninsight@gmail.com

Without mud no existence, let alone growth.

I still like to translate very simple stories that I hear or read here in Thailand into personal insight. With my blog I want to share them.

Last week I read a story about a tree that was sick in a large garden. A specialist was even hired to give advice about, - and to possible heal - , this tree. In the Netherlands we call it a tree-surgeon. The tree got all the attention. And yes, it survived. Many other trees and plants in the garden unfortunately died.

What was, no actually what is, going on? By taking care of the 'patient' the other trees and plants in the garden were given (too) little attention and passed away.

But Frans, what has this to do with mud?

Actually, it's very simple. To give a Lotus flower a chance of existence and growth, mud is needed. It’s a basic need. Mud in Buddhism is the metaphor for the world (our personal world) of suffering and worrying. And first of all you need that mud, that suffering, to become who and what you are.

Where and what are the disturbances in growth? They all have to do with our clinging, not letting go of our thoughts and desires, and with paying too much attention only about how to get out of our mud. We are too much connected with our ‘sick trees’ in our life.

The layman Vimalakirti once said: “Because the world is sick, I am sick. Because people are worrying, I have to worry.”. A lot of times our choice is to have pity with other people or with situations in their lives or in the world. With that we even think we help other people showing our empathy and deeper connection with them. In fact, facing and connecting with their worrying and suffering, we are getting deeper and deeper into our own mud by being busy getting out of that same mud. The ocean of suffering and insecurities is immense. And with being busy with coming out of our own mud we do not help anyone. Showing and feeling pity or sorry does not help anyone. You only make more 'victims'.

Being at work in the ocean of suffering, we forget to turn around and see that the ocean can only exist because there is also land. So to see, or trust, and look forward there is land as well.

All that (unnecessary) suffering, worrying and sometimes even our insomnia, is only an effect. And if there is an effect, there is also a cause. This cause often has to do with the way we have been programmed by others. A programming that created our lifestyle (the way we personally respond to situations in our lives). There is nothing wrong with showing compassion, but showing compassion helps you to stay in balance and to be able to see there is black and white in all things and in all circumstances.

Even if you are carrying a lot of sorrow and sadness, there are countless things around you that really can offer you the opportunity to be more happy. However, you refuse to do so and to pay attention to them. Don’t wait until you have no more suffering before allowing yourself to be happy.

To become a beautiful lotus flower first you need mud. In order to be able to exist and grow into something beautiful, you also need mud in your life. Physical, mental, emotional, spiritual and not to forget environmental (energy takers and energy givers) ‘mud’. If you really take the time to look deeper so far you, wanted or unwanted, needed all of them to make you the person you are now.

If you're not happy with it, it's just and only in your hands to do something about it. Not in the hands of somebody or something else. So stop complaining. It’s a matter of shift and change of attention and NOT to overlook all the healthy trees and plants in your garden, despite the one sick tree. Everything you give attention grows…

Even while you have pain in your heart, you can enjoy the many wonders of life. A beautiful sunrise or sunset, a happy playful child or animal. To suffer is not enough. Don’t be imprisoned by your suffering.

Experienced hunger, you know that having food is a miracle. If you have suffered from the cold you know the preciousness of warmth. When you have suffered, you know how to appreciate the elements of paradise that are present.

Don’t ignore your suffering, but don’t forget to enjoy the wonders of life, for your sake and for the benefit of many other beings, as well.  

Negative experiences at first sight, have the ability to help us to find our path of deliverance and salvation in live. You most of the times only have to turn around.

Other people do not let you suffer, you only do that yourself. Mud in your life, and of course still not at all always attractive at first sight, is needed to live your existence more deeply and to enjoy those things that are also available for you to grow and share as a wonderful Lotus flower.

Frans Captijn

Host / Catalyst / Talenteer at Captijn Insight

Captijn Insight: “Catalyst in your process to new sustainable flow in life and work. Whether you are an individual, couple, team or an organization.” 

www.captijninsight.com

captijninsight@gmail.com

Deepening my life. I say farewell to (social) media. Perhaps I'll find my life back even more.

On request, I would like to give some more explanation and information in relation to a post I posted on social media on May 3^rd about quitting my (social) media.

This May 20^th I will start to further deepen, step by step, my life. One of the first things I will do is to say farewell to (social) media by closing my Facebook and Twitter accounts. Will I become a hermit? I do not think so.

Feel free to still follow my blogs because I will go on with them. The frequency will not be any longer every week. I will only write and post my blog if I have anything to share and I have enough time to write it. If you want to become my ‘blog follower’ just sign up (http://captijninsightthailand.blogspot.com). This can even be anonymous if you want to choose for that. Again, just feel free. New is that I will start May 20th 2017 with a weekly Photoblog. Posting every week a picture of my life and/or experiences. If you want to see or follow please check: http://franspictureoftheweek.blogspot.com.

And can I not be reached at all any longer? For sure I can be reached. Just use my website (www.captijninsight.com) or use the email address (captijninsight@gmail.com). I will still be available like I am on the LinkedIn network. Be aware I generally respond within two days.

Quitting (social) media are part of my movement to create more living time and space. Time to really connect. I have not listened to the radio for about five years now (except sometimes for music (without screaming marketing in between). Newspapers not any longer for me. And, looking back, my television is already at rest for five years as well. Sporadically I switch it on to ‘connect’ with the 'world news'. My attention is drawn to a text bar that shows me how the Dow Jones and AEX indexes are rising or falling. I really was interested in that news and therefore not at all waiting for that very disturbing indexes.

Maybe tomorrow the sun will not rise for me. A "rich" may be poor, a "poor" man rich. I am not willing to get insomnia or even possible a heart attack because of money or economy. I have seen enough of all of this already in my life so far. And not watching television for me has nothing to do with any believe, religion or even Buddhism. It's my free choice.

I want to connect and enjoy even more with what LIFE is for me. Face-to-face contact. Feeling. Engaged connection with guests who cross my path. Connection to nature, mirroring so much about how to live life, go with the flow and how to let go. Further study, growing even more intensely. And I need more time and less disturbance to live this way. Reason that I want less external influences or disturbances. It's just my choice. And yes, I know I'm going to miss some information or things possibly as well. And still I think and feel my choice will offer me more in my further development and personal discovery journey.

We are getting more and more addicted to our digital world connection devices. Social media is getting less and less social. More and more, it is an exhibition of everything that sounds and looks like happiness and regularly with collective lamentation. “Connected” with everyone and everything and feeling and following as a member of the tribe. Sometimes it really plops up in my mind if we can and will survive without internet. In my view, the world at that moment will collapse. People meet each other. How to connect (again). We unlearned that skill.

I want to go back to even more LIVING my life. I am no longer longing for magazines that initially appeal to me. Discovering I first have to turn six pages of advertising to find a first small sometimes interesting article that I actually purchased. Save my time, the effort and the money. I'm looking for and will find it if I want to know more in a direct way without all this marketing “to keep the price of the magazine low…??? Don’t let me laugh about this.).

Everything you give attention grows. We are giving less and less attention to what our lives really are about. That is at least my experience. That wake-up call comes - and often too late - when we grow older or suddenly face an accident or, for example, a serious illness ourselves or of love ones. Then life values often suddenly shift (to what the real meaning of life is). That was true to me too.

I nearly only see people who are ‘prisoners’ of their digital devices. In a 24-hour daily routine, following everything. They simply accept that they can be disturbed 24 hours a day and obviously seem to enjoy it. Even during love making or serious conversations. Running away for themselves, less feeling lonely, help them to survive boredom. In my opinion, a waste of life-time.

It's absolutely not wrong to keep up with what's happening in and around you. But should that be everything that’s going on in the world? Should the information be drenched from marketing? Have you ever thought that emotion is the main and essential drive for 'news value'? Is it all necessary to know? Does it make your life or other people their life’s easier? Better? What do you have to do with it? It makes you restless, anxious and regularly brings you out of balance, creates even insomnia.

And yes, sometimes in a positive way it also helps you to prepare yourself for things that possible could happen to you. And ... do you already know that what will happen to you? Or do you create all kind of stories in your mind creating illusions and preparing yourself to solve the problems you only created by this illusions?

Suffering, worrying, wasting time. It never comes to an end and does not solve any problem. Questioning yourself "why?" for instance. Never a clarification. Or comments like "…but" indicate that you do not really agree. Did it solve anything? Will it bring you further or closer to any solution?

We live more and more in a world in which material values, power, and "I" perform on top. A world full of tricks to make human interconnection seem real. All of our ‘communication support resources’ bring us further away from conversation and real communication. How is it possible, with all our devices, communication in families and at work is still so bad? These support resources confuse you, make you worry, distract and often we do not even know what we should believe or not.

All those (social) media support our judging. Our labelling. Sticking (most of the time unwholesome) labels. To ‘like’, ‘dislike’ or add another emoticon. Something that I actually also do with this blog. It does not stimulate at all to help us to be more curious in other people their meaning (there part of the bigger truth).

We think we are free, being more and more in information and marketing prison cells. Privacy? Gone! Once it was such a ‘valuable’ thing.

If you really want to be free, it has to start in yourself. First step in this is to know yourself better. Perhaps even confronting or facing the war within yourself. Contemplating, learn and study about yourself, your lifestyle (seen as the way you use to respond to situations in your life).Turn off and guard all sorts of distractions. Especially the ones you cannot change at all. And is that selfish? Why would that be selfish? Do not you just have to share your uniqueness with the world around you? Learn and live the uniqueness then first. With that (your) uniqueness, you will make the best contribution to the whole. Everybody else is already taken. Be yourself and first of all know yourself better. Disruptions can be missed on that path. Become and stay the master of your own live.

Start small. In your own close environment. Engagement for and with the whole world is not asked of you. Find the human connection and resume it. Restore conversation. Enjoy more of things that are already waiting for you. You do not see them because you are standing on top of them and looking into the future. Do not look too far ahead (the most insane (my present thought about it) training I ever got to imagine what and where I would like to be in five years’ time ...). Management tricks to help you not to enjoy living life now. What about next week? Isn’t that much smarter and don’t you LIVE much more? After all, you run out of time. So enjoy your time left.

I want to go on that journey. No, not as a hermit but just in full connection. And for this I release other "connections" to give myself more time.

Frans Captijn

Host / Catalyst / Talenteer at Captijn Insight

Captijn Insight: “Catalyst in your process to new sustainable flow in life and work. Whether you are an individual, couple, team or an organization.” 

www.captijninsight.com

captijninsight@gmail.com

Annoyance of love babies? Many kinds of Nanny's solve this problem. Success for the future guaranteed? Don’t be sure.

And again I realize that I'm from another generation. It just appears to me, at the resort where I work, last week in a nearby restaurant, at the international schools nearby, but also - with very happy faces - on social media. The so-called love babies can be sweet ... and yet, they also cause a lot of inconvenience I notice over and over again.

More and more 'nanny ways' appear. Children's kindergartens, pre-school and after-school shelters, digital nanny's like television or just a few days ago on i Phones and tablets on the table in the restaurant I was in (children of not even one year old), and more and more specialized (cheap) ladies from other different cultures that take care of children (human nanny’s). The once-so-very much and out of love wanted children appear to be very often a very disturbing factor for many people in relation to their life style and career path.

Informing cautiously about the background of all this digital or physical 'Nanny's, I got answers as:

"We have such nice and lovely children, but we asked ourselves; “Do they have to disturb our career?". "We also have a life.". "Life (our life) is simply expensive and we want to be honest about it, it's important to get money for the mortgage and our holidays, and that’s taking the responsibility to work both you know?" "We earn together much more so it’s easy to pay our (cheap) nanny." "Sorry, but taking care of growing up children is not really my thing. Never learned.". "After my work, I also want to relax, I also have a social life and twice a week to the fitness center and once a week playing golf for networking and getting rid of stress is not too much." "You know, we're even supporting employment in this poor country." "Isn’t it great to offer your children the opportunity to play with other children at day care or kindergarten?".

And more and more families who come here at the resort I live take their private nanny to take even care of their children during the family holidays. Even on vacation, parents do not really take or have time for real connection with their children. The I Phones, tablets and laptops keep them in control. The connection (and control) on the children has been outsourced. And that has its price but ... you get so much in return (or not so much?). No stress, me-time, rest. Not all that hassle of captivating children around you. And if you go out for dinner, then you will put on a nice cartoon for your children and you can stay connected online as well with the outside world. You must not miss anything. Friends and work are waiting for your necessary (?) response. Do your friends and does your work really respect you? What choices in your life do you make to LIVE life?

Children more and more become a product. Parents take less and less time to share (and teach) sincere and true and unconditional love. Love is 'simply' and 'simple' outsourced. Children can have a lot of input. What ultimately becomes the output is just the question. And commercialization plays a hand in it. Isn’t it scary how much advertising is made especially for children? Attention, lack of true love and so lack of human connection energy plays a big role. To make a distinction between educating by yourself or outsourcing the raising of your children, connect them with the digital nanny like the TV and / or smartphone, is actually a consideration that, taken from my generation, wasn’t even an option. And yes... it's quite easy to step in the trap of getting more time to make money to live a ‘happy’ life. Ever thought (in advance before getting a love baby) how much money and time it cost to raise a child or children? Too often I hear the story; "In a few years finally my children will leave, they can take care of themselves, looking forward to have time again to spend together ..." What do you actually say?

Perhaps for people who do not have children yet, the idea to think through if you as well want to follow the ‘generally accepted standard’ and the (on the outside) happy family life your friends show you. Perhaps you have the guts to deviate. Be aware the world around you often calls this selfish. An easy label.

Having children is much more responsibility than you often think. Most of the time you will only find out if you already have them. It’s not at all 'all happiness' and/or outsourcing responsibilities as if it’s a kind of business relationship. If I ever get the opportunity to live a next life, out of the experience I have now, I want a life without the responsibility of children. (Be aware this is not a shock for my children, they know my thoughts, I am happy they are in my life and we feel, express and share (unconditional) love together). There are already more than enough children around in this world and it’s not at all my intention to keep our name high or the ‘family tree’ growing.

I am so happy, in my live, to have had personal caring parents. Parents that always were available for me. Parents that were so connected with me (and I with them) that not even a single word was needed to feel what was going on in our lives. They were my personal live coaches and managers for a long time. Learning me how to survive, how to deal with living life, with love, with connection, with emotions. Unconditionally  they where there to give me physical, mental, emotional, environmental and even spiritual safety. The door was not always open at all. There was not even a door, even no threshold. And that single babysitter that sometimes came? An adventure!

And when I look back on my life so far ... in my opinion, I have never missed something. I played on the street with children out of my neighborhood. Just like I still see in the village I live now in Thailand.  And if you were all dirty or under mud, nobody worried about getting a bad illness. You just built up resistance. It helped you to stay healthy in a natural way.

What a life in sincere and lasting connection with those people who have ever delivered me out of their love on this world. Success assured? 100% Sure! The current situations ...? Don’t ask yourself ever the question (if it’s too late) why do our children not understand us ??? We gave them so much…

Thank you guys, Mom and Dad, for all the opportunities you gave me your way! I do not think any nanny can ever resist it. Happy you always where there face-to-face, for me.

Frans Captijn

Host / Catalyst / Talenteer at Captijn Insight

Captijn Insight: “Catalyst in your process to new sustainable flow in life and work. Whether you are an individual, couple, team or an organization.” 

www.captijninsight.com

captijninsight@gmail.com

Happiness isn’t very good for the economy. Marketing helps us to worry.

How easy can it be? How sad is this world?

“The world is increasingly designed to depress us. Happiness isn’t very good for the economy. If we were happy with what we had, why would we need more?

How do you sell anti-aging moisturizer? You make someone worry about aging. How do you get people to vote for a political party? You make them worry about immigration. How do you get them to buy insurance? By making them worry about everything. How do you get them to have plastic surgery? By highlighting their physical flaws. How do you get them to watch a TV show? By making them worry about missing out. How do you get them to buy a new smartphone? By making them feel like they are being left behind.

To be calm becomes a kind of revolutionary act. To be happy with your own non-upgraded existence. To be comfortable with our messy, human selves, would not be good for business.”

(From the book: Lessons to stay alive by Matt Haig, page 189))

Wikipedia:

“Marketing is the study and management of exchange relationships. The American Marketing Association has defined marketing as "the activity, set of institutions, and processes for creating, communicating, delivering, and exchanging offerings that have value for customers, clients, partners, and society at large."

Marketing is used to create the customer, to keep the customer and to satisfy the customer. With the customer as the focus of its activities, it can be concluded that Marketing is one of the premier components of Business Management - the other being Innovation."

That marketing is about satisfying customer requirements really resonates with me.

But is it (still) really about this? Marketing may be called a profession, but in my experience in most cases with a totally different approach. It has become an art to create desires to draw attention to things that actually are not needed at all. An economy is developed of creating fear, worries, feelings of not feeling complete, not connecting with the general standards, not beautiful enough, not showing your status, etc. Needed or not needed. The needs and desires are just created.

Once I learned in Dutch Economics class (Professor Heertje) that an organization or business gets the strength to survive and its value if it covers with its products and / or services the real needs of its environment.

Maybe it's weird to say that marketing possibly works the other way around. A need, lack, gap or worry first is created by a company, and then with a big ‘Walhalla’ the same business offers the solution to close the ‘gap’.  Just and only to produce and earn money.

The story of the Furby. You share for free 100 pieces of this electronic robotic “let’s have fun” toys resembling a hamster or owl-like creature to children. Children know the art of ongoing playful ‘nagging’ to get mostly their desires fulfilled and the magic happens. It became a ‘must have’. Was there really a need, a customer requirement…? What an honor and purpose to work for such an organization (other than just and only earning a salary).

New marketing trends?

An article in the Dutch magazine MT from about six months ago mentioned:

"It is increasingly possible to automate a personal (?) approach to your customers, tracking and guiding a purchase. We spotted three trends:

• Customer journey management (using smart technology to follow the 'journey' of customers to proceed with a purchase. To, quite precisely, find out what channels they use on the internet and determine what time defines the purchase decision.
• Customer service bots (automated customer service (Chat robots) that talk with clients to answer questions in a way that customers feel ‘personalized' reflection and are confident feeling real heard and helped. They are seen as a valuable addition to the customer service and play an important role in customer-management journey.).
• App marketing. (Making use of App's and push messages to approach customers and seduce. With an app you can make your customers a 'personalized' proposal. By collecting customer data and to use the sensors of the smartphone, you can persuade customers to visit the website or web shop.

How smart can it be? How more and more sad this world is getting to be?

On me (so sorry for the economy) there is less and less to earn. I have more than enough. No magazines that are for 2/3 part filled with screaming marketing / advertising, no newspapers or free publicity, no more commercial TV ... Maybe a personal happiness indicator?

It makes me more and more happy and an increasing amount of people recognize this energy. 

Frans Captijn

Host / Catalyst / Talenteer at Captijn Insight

Captijn Insight: “Catalyst in your process to new sustainable flow in life and work. Whether you are an individual, couple, team or an organization.” 

www.captijninsight.com

captijninsight@gmail.com

Wanted and unwanted speedbumps in your life. Adjusters of priorities.

In a short time, I have heard several stories of friends / acquaintances that unfortunately they were forced to make huge transitions in life. This for example because they themselves or their partner suddenly were confronted with cancer. You take for granted this always happens to others. Until you have to face these things happen to yourself or to your close love ones as well. Unwanted you run up against a speedbump in your life.

Everything first seemed so perfect. Now this kind of experiences put your life upside down. Perhaps you would like to hide yourself from the outside world. Your life turns into a crisis. You seem surrounded by fear, which brings you face to face with what the values of life really mean to you. Maybe even you entered a process to make a huge shift in life. Actually and most of the times to the direction or flow it always was mend to be for you. So to come back on your personal life-track.

Recently I worked with a guest who runs her life. No matter how young you are, time is running out so you have to focus on living life the fullest. You do everything that’s possible, because you only live once. So you run life. You mirror the happiness appearances of life from others, and run to try to reach at least the same happiness level. Slightly and soft only touching life experiences as a butterfly. No time to explore or live things deeply. Depression and insomnia increased in combination with an almost continuous connection to social media. An overkill of too much impulses simply can (and finally will) make you sick.

Wanted, she took some “me-time”. Time for a time-out. To do a retreat program. Not willing any longer to wait for the time, she would be forced (unwanted) to take a time-out. A time out to contemplate on life themes and things, to make up her life balance, and to face her priorities in life once again. A suicide by one of her friends with a happy family with two young children during her retreat was a stupor of disbelief.

As strange at first sight as it may sound, many experiences show that this type of wanted and unwanted speedbumps of life often contain incredibly valuable lessons. It brings you to the deeper meaning of life, to your core values of life. To connect with the one you really are. Not the one who usually step by step is formed by wishes, desires, environmental judgments, expectations, marketing, etc..

These processes can be seen as steep (but if you look back afterwards often very meaningful) exercise slopes that bring your back to the person you actually always were.

We all have different values based on our perception of satisfaction and happiness. If you believe that people only love you when you are financially wealthy, money is your main value. If your self-esteem is connected to your appearance (something in my opinion in the Thai culture for ladies is number one), your face and figure maybe the top priority.

And if you the physical body is getting and starting to look older…, does your happiness disappear? And if you seemingly cannot compete with the ‘happiness level’ of your friends or acquaintances, will you feel miserable?

Life challenges you to constantly adjust your priorities. For example, the decision to make health one of your priorities can be a reversal. Perhaps a whole new world will open for you. The discovery of a huge reservoir of inner strength and joy. The discovery that the real person hiding in you, finally gets the possibility to make yourself and others truly happy.

If your view of yourself is based on superficialities, perhaps you need to face your priority list over once again and make some major changes.

Recently a speed bump appeared in the small street in front of my house (see photo). It invites guests who come by in their golf cart to slow down and be more aware of the wonders of our magnificent place. Some guests who walk through our street, sometimes painfully, are remembered to focus on the art of balanced walking instead of keeping their focus on their mobile devices.

Invite yourself, before it's too late, for whatever kind of wanted ‘deliberate speedbump’ process to reconnect with your core of life, adjust priorities to connect with real living and staying in a healthy holistic balance. 

Frans Captijn

Host / Catalyst / Talenteer at Captijn Insight

Captijn Insight: “Catalyst in your process to new sustainable flow in life and work. Whether you are an individual, couple, team or an organization.” 

www.captijninsight.com

captijninsight@gmail.com

As long as you both shall live and/or as long as love stimulates bond and growth? Being happy in your relationship.

I was married in my life once. Proud our two children out of love are born out of that relationship. After nine years of marriage, in spite of trying everything to stay more happily together, we decided to quit our bond. A very unpleasant emotional time and lots of personal and legal issues to solve. For a period of two years I did not dare to touch any woman. The ‘waves’ needed time to heave down to. Now I know you cannot force that process. Happy that period in my life passed.

If I look back on my life so far now, I face a couple of shorter and longer lasting relationships. Many people cannot understand or accept this from me. Certainly not in relation to my religious background and social functions and positions that I ever held in the Netherlands and in the world. Sayings as: “You do not 'do' this kind of things. It’s not right to live this kind of life. You do not make the choices to live life this way. Your parents showed you the other (the right?) way.”

As of my life experiences I dare to say that “this things” that happened in my life have nothing to do with a willing or intention to ‘do’. Believe it or not, it never ever was my intention to divorce the woman I intensely loved and got our two children. My intention at the time of marriage literally was ‘to love and honor each other for as long as we both shall live’ as mentioned in celebration of matrimony.

As last born child in our family of five children, at the time we both as a couple started thinking of the idea of getting married, we both had wonderful examples of how a stable marriage looked like. It seemed my two brothers and two sisters showed and paved the way. After nine years I could not persevere in clinging on my sincere intentions and even promise I made. Not an easy decision and an misery in regard to both our personal emotions, Dutch law as well as my religion/faith. But I found a way to go on living without suffering about our decision any longer. But this blog is not about that.

This blog is about being happy in a relationship with another person (whatever gender). As long as you both shall live or until the time love is not strong enough any longer to connect and/or prevent you in your personal (and joint) development, fulfilling your life mission and your personal and mutual growth. And, of course, immediately the thought can arise that this is a very egoistic and very selfish and self-centred approach.

I invite you to wait with this abrupt labelling and use the inner impulse to do to be curious and with an open mind just to explore more. Not to change your mind or meaning but just to face (and possibly to respect) different possible approaches as a wider truth.

I'm different, from another generation and ‘newer time’ than my older siblings as I recently heard from my eldest brother. And in my eyes that's a valid expression and explanation. In addition, I tried to discover more into the philosophy of deeper meanings and goals of having a relationship. I also live for five years already in a culture that invites me to take the time to be more curious, look wider and deeper. This offers me the opportunity to shine a new light on themes as life mission, personal and mutual growth and development, karma (action), and mainly on the underlying intentions.

More and more I discovered that love primarily is about the relationship you have with yourself. You're the one who live 24 hours a day with yourself together. Do you really know and understand yourself? Do you spend enough time on yourself (not only the outside ‘look’ and your physical body, but also the inside and understanding for instance how your mind works)? Do you know your mission, your purpose? Are you alone (All-one) or feeling lonely? What lifestyle do you really want to live (see lifestyle as the way you respond to things happening in your life)? Are you happy with yourself?

The answers on this questions to myself, the insights and the attention to myself offered me in my opinion enormous growth and development. Mind you, I'm not telling that I could not have had this experience and development in an ongoing relationship with one person. I just do not have that experience and it worked out this way for me.

My relationships after my marriage, although I had imagined never to be ‘different’, worked out not to be like “as long as you both shall live”. They turned into “as long as love stimulates bond and growth”.  I do not see myself in my relationships as a kind of playboy and person that persistently have the intention to make other people unhappy or want to harm somebody. My life and relationships turned out to be just different. A relationship is something you need to give time, attention and air. My last long relationship was even nearly one and a half times longer than the period I was married.

For sure, and again, for many people in my outside world I possibly do not follow the “regular accepted pattern” living my way of loving. I have to accept for instance the direct labelling about possible differences in age between me and my partner other people do. For me it’s a looking deeper than ‘just’ and only difference in age. In my opinion there is so much more like for instance life experiences, connection and understanding level/background, willingness to sustainably understand, to explore and to learn from each other and face-to-face communication (genuine personal connection), balanced life, respect, and having real quality time for each other. This are all items that make it so easy for other people - who are not willing to take some time to only be curious in a different way and understand - to label.

It is not your partner’s responsibility, I learned, to make you happy (and the other way around). It’s always and always will be your own responsibility. And if your own happiness and love for yourself is overflowing you can share that happiness and love with the one you love.

If the closeness in a relationship at any time for a longer period of time is disturbed, and – willing to work on that together - you both do not succeed to bring new flow in it, I see it as responsibility from both to grant each other a new opportunity to get love and development. To me that certainly is not a kind of ‘dump’ or ‘drop as garbage’, knowing however my ‘outside world’ and sometimes even a former partner grasps it like that.

Having a relationship for me is not a kind of 'hop-on hop-off bus’ at all. In reality it is still all about sharing love, respect and happiness (in relation to my understanding of this words). I don’t see a partner as a kind of ‘toy’. Too much and too often I see with my own eyes at the place where I live, hear from my children, and see at social media ‘girls’ (sorry but I do not call them ‘ladies’ in friendship and relations to this item any more) being used (or willing to be used) like that.

Working here with people from all different backgrounds and cultures, I found many people feel trapped or even ‘dead’ in their relationship. Having nothing to say and to share anymore. Are even hiding in their relation or found another ‘outside’ lover showing the world on social media as couple they are still so happy and in love together. No growth, no development, actually no love anymore and yes still staying together. Underlining they are from a different generation with that for me. Not having the guts to make each other happy again by finding a suitable way to let go.

If love, whatever is the understanding of that word by different generations, becomes an outside show without any driving force or spirit within, you can ask yourself if and how you respect your partner. What kind of feeling (so no love anymore) you grant your partner and yourself.

For me, the relationship I have and feel now, out of commitment and both our feeling, may go on for ever. Be aware this is not our goal. Living respecting and enjoying your love by the day without a goal to reach in the future, you reach a destination, the next step, every day.

And if my family, my environment, the world around me will or can accept… It’s just and only their choice and my/our choice to live the life and love, the freedom in bond, we want.

Frans Captijn

Host / Catalyst / Talenteer at Captijn Insight

Captijn Insight: “Catalyst in your process to new sustainable flow in life and work. Whether you are an individual, couple, team or an organization.” 

www.captijninsight.com

captijninsight@gmail.com